Tuesday, March 09, 2010
IS SOMEONE TALKING ABOUT ME??
I just watched this via www.unzipped.net(Love Unzipped!!)its an interview with Brent Corrigan.
So Brent was asked about Diesel Washington at 1:36 mark in the Vid.......
I do have to admit, I am outspoken and I tend to be brutally honest(Some like it, some don't) I don't do it to be hateful,mean or wanting to hurt a persons feeling.
I'm a Realist, and I worked hard to be able to come to this point of my life. From the age of 13-28yrs old, I centered myself around "On what People think of Me" kinda of thinking. I went to a Roman Catholic Elementary school from the 3rd grade to 8th grade, I was even an Altar boy for two years, there was Church on Wednesday, and Church on Sunday. So nothing but rules and more rules. Put it this way, We had to wear uniforms!! enuff said!!
I had the option of going to an Upscale High School(based on my grades)and I hated the idea of going to another "structured" typed of school. I wanted to go Public High School badly!!! I wanted to make friends, I was an only child growing up(no brothers or sisters)and I wanted to put myself out there.
In high school, I was a total Geek my Freshman Year. I was way into Computers and Karate(Made it to Brown belt) I still remember my first Commodore 64(Lets see if people remember that? Google it)and I was writing my own programs as well. I could have been very rich, if I stuck with it(Sigh). Any spare time I had left, was spent at the gym, sparring and learning movements. Our teachers taught Us discipline and respect(Yeah more structure), that was my hobby. I would take Karate 4times a week for the next two years of my life.
Sophomore year(Beforehand), I grew 4 inches during the summer and the coaches(Basketball, Football, Track)started to take notice of Me. I started to notice girls(Boys as well never acted upon it though)and then I tried to juggle Karate, Basketball, Track(No time for Football)So I went from a Geek to Jock in my sophomore year. I was scared to death of anybody knowing my secret(that I liked boys and girls)so I kept girlfriends(I was fucking these girls)times were different!
This was the Mid-Eighties(Height of the Aids scare)so being Gay or "Different" was almost like you were the Devil to people. I was not about to face the wrath of what people would think about Me. I played D.L(Downlow)the entire time in High school, to cover my tracks I just focused on hobbies and sports. I even went so far to have this mentality of "Getting as many girls as I can" I didn't want to be Gay or "Different" so I played the role of the Str8 jock(to the Tee)and buried my desires for boys. I was good in sports(esp Basketball)so I was popular, more added stress that I couldn't be myself for fear "What would People think about Me???"
I would hear all the Gay bashing talk in the lockerrooms "Fuck Homos" "Faggots" if you wasn't an Alpha Male(in my mind)people would think you were weak. So it was embedded in my head( from Church, Sports, Karate)that you had to be strong and tough. You had to be a Man!!
I used that method all throughout High school, by doing that I literally shut down my sexuality. Things got worse when I went into the Army(I wanted to be a Man), any signs of weakness was a bad thing. I kept trying to make myself into something I wasn't. I had to be Manly Man, I slept with a ton of women(just to fit in with friends) I was Super Solider!!! I was scoring perfect on Physical Training Tests every and each time!! I was Solider of the Month and Year in my Battalion, two years running. I kept Brainwashing myself into thinking I was totally straight(at the same time getting Anxiety, Panic attacks, Depression)
After the military, I started to hangout with a rough crowd. My friends were selling, robbing people bah bah bah. I was heavy into Hip Hop and that whole lifestyle. I was with a Hardcore crowd, there was no way I was Coming Out during this time. It was sad, I had desires for boys but never acted upon it. I was further confused if I was Gay/"Different" or not because from the few gay people I met, I didn't have the same characteristics as them.
I don't switch when I walk
I had no desire to dress in women's clothes
I didn't talk with a lisp
I enjoy sports
I enjoyed the sex I had with women
I didn't have any feminine mannerisms
It's funny to think about it now, but at the time I had no clue what I was. During this period, I was highly stressed and was having headaches daily because of it. When I had my first experience with a male I was 28years old at the time. This duality caused Me to go Nuts!!! I felt sick and was ridden with guilt, I felt dirty and ashamed of myself. You can have sexual desires and fantasies, but I brainwashed myself into thinking that was okay. As long as I didn't act on that impulse, I would remain sane. When I had that one experience, it was like I came alive(I was curious to see more). But my issues with self guilt and anxiety came to the surface and drove me nuts!!
I was living two lifestyles(Str8/Gay), and I was starting to lose myself as a person. I was lying to friends, lying to family, and the worst part of it. I was lying to myself!!! I did this for a long time....
When I came out to my mother(I was 35), it was like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. From that moment on, I made a decision to become a Realist. The headaches stop, the self guilt disappeared and I vowed to express my opinions honestly when asked.
Some people say they find it "Refreshing for a change" "I rather have a Str8 shooter as opposed to a Yes Man any day"
And some call it "Having a Big mouth" "Having an Ego" whatever!!!
Wouldn't you rather have Me telling you the truth, then lying directly to your face.??? You say one lie, and then have to come up with another lie to support the first lie you told. You don't want to be caught in a lie, because people won't trust you anymore.
Lies just bring trouble!!! I rather have the brutal honesty. I don't want even "White Lies" You don't need to protect my feelings, I'm a big boy!!
Although there is something called Tact!!! If the worst Basketball player in the world asked me directly "Do you think I'm a good player??" I would say something like "Hey buddy, don't quit your Day job your not that good" I wouldn't say " You fucking suck just give it up!!!" two totally different approaches to telling the truth.
Wow this post got long, more later...
Posted by Diesel Washington at 9:38 PM