Sunday, June 17, 2012


Here is the usual vent.... If nobody knows, Eric Rhodes(Falcon porn star)died earlier this week... This really touched Me.... Eric and I were similar in that We both have blogs on which We bare our Soul. We both have talked about the Ups and Downs of relationships/inner demons/Industry thoughts and We are very FRANK about it!! In a weird sense it was like We were living dual lives(if you can say)dealing with Fame/Escorting/Drugs(my Bipolar)which kinda of pulled back the curtain of the so called "Sex Gods".. We exposed that Yes We are Human, and go through the stress of everyday living like everybody else. But what some people don't understand is that We also carry the Stigma of the "Porn Star". Which is an added bonus(+/-). Hard to explain at a job interview that you have done porn in your past. ESP if you were Mega Star(Pics on Mags/DVD covers/Ads/Internet/....Now remember this is during the Golden Era of porn not by the standards of Today. Not to sound cocky or anything.. You have the guys that did a few scenes and cashed out for College or to make a quick buck and moved on. In my opinion, those are the guys that didn't want to create a "Brand" or move up in the Porn world(Nothing wrong with that) It's like the old saying "Now you see Me, and Now you don't" not exactly causing a huge impact on the industry. A cute model that came and went... And then you have the "Idols" these are the guys that caused a huge impact on the Industry. Your image has been beamed all over the World... It's so bad that Str8 woman recognize your picture, it's always "You look so familiar, like I saw you some where before..?" And these are Women!! Yikes. So you made it... Your this larger than life character that you created and the whole World can see you... Where do you go from here? Start a DJ career? Become the Star of a Reality show? Or even better start doing Indie movies..NoNo... Become a Teacher..Become a Policeman.. Actually that sounds like a Large list(In my Head)but... To somebody else, that sounds like your future in the Real World(bad pun) is limited. Where do you go from Selling your image/Body/Dick/Ass?? Somebody told Me this old saying..."I'm not going to do anything Strange..For alittle piece of Change"...... I don't think Porn is strange by any means...that "Alittle Piece of Change"?? Hmmm might be some truth to that one these days..LOL I'm going off subject What do you do?? It's that WHAT YOUR GOING TO DO AFTER PORN?? that is the burning question that caused Me MANY sleepless nights...NOW WHAT?? That question has caused people to go nuts.... Either three things happen to the Mega Star: They move on to doing directing/production/owners/something behind the scenes. Their porn persona dies, and move on to Reality... And this is the hard one, the model Passes on. Nobody can understand what it feels like to be on the other side of the coin. Fans probably see that porn star and think "They are getting laid everyday" "Their Sex life has to be awesome" "Probably making tons of money" "Everybody wants Them" Let Me be honest with you: Relationships tend to suck because of Jealously/Insecurities..but there are some people that can make it work. I hate you FUCKERS!!(I'm jealous) Dating in general is awful for the Porn Star nowadays: Everybody knows your film history Everybody wants your "Porn Persona" in the bedroom, and sometimes you just want to cuddle. Then it gets dark.. Nobody wants to date the Slut/Whore, Fear of STD's, or worse the person your dating wants to be in porn also, Mistrust, Cheating... They want you to quit Money issues Power issues I totally understand Why some people think dating a Porn Star is a bad idea. I get it... Does it hurt to know that fact and understand it very very well?? Sure does!! Now what is the total? Relationships tend to suck...and Having a future outside of porn some what limited.. That is two. Here is the Shocker!! When you are a mega porn star your.... Institutionalized The mega star is locked into a false world of having to look good, smell good, body of a God, dick rock hard, bubble ass, all the glam things. Locked into a "Porn persona"... LOCKED IN A PORN PERSONA??? We have free will, We have the ability to say NO and just walk away!! But.. The mega porn star has worked for years, creating and branding a "Character". It's what pays the bills....PAYS ALL THE BILLS!!Frankly You get used to a certain lifestyle that is fueled by Sex/Drugs/Fantasy. Your a Sex god, you can fly all around the world and everybody knows you. Your hot and sexy and have the finest body around and the Dick is Huge. People are intimidated when you walk into a room..and You like it! You feel the rush of energy and see the responses of the fans and admirers. In the corner of your eye you can see the Haters!! And your dick gets hard, knowing that you have people jealous of you and your fame. The mega star doesn't pay for Clubs/drinks/cabs.. The mega star has been groomed by the Big hotels and limo rides. They fly across the country to make appearances and yet again... They are greeted at the airport in a limo to pick them up and take them to a fine hotel. The mega star goes to the gym to pump those muscles, and of course the gym queens coming running to watch the mega star lift weights, follow to bathroom and then showers..hoping that the mega star goes into the Steam room(I know the game)they want a glance of "This Mega star". Hook ups not a problem....How can it be?? He is the mega star!! The sex god can log onto the Internet and can probably have a guy come to their place in less than 10mins. Wham Slam!! and that person is out the door and the mega star logs onto the Internet again because he has the "Hunger" and brings/goes over to another person and plays out his "Porn persona" role. A hook up is a replacement to Intimacy for a mega star. A Hook up is looked at nothing but a random stranger/number/body that came over and helped waste a few hours of time of the mega star. The mega star invites over another and another just acting out a "Persona" he created because it works!! Don't feel bad for the people that the mega star hooked up with. It was a hook up!! For some, it will be the highlight of their life to say "I slept with a porn star" and cross something off their Bucket list. All the encounters with that the mega star were great. The mega star is charming, smart, witty and of course the sex is great. The rule of hook ups are no strings/attachments...No expectations!! Institutionalized!! Locked in that frame of mind! Now are added the joys of Escorting.... Again We have the choice!! We can walk away... Some mega stars are "Conditioned" and "Trained" so getting their dick hard is not a problem. The mega star is high on the food chain, everybody wants a "Performance" or "Meeting". Escorting is easy to the mega star all he has to do is act out his "Porn persona" yet again....Bring out the smoke and mirrors and let the show begin.. It is an hour of time of the mega star and the client thinks it is well worth it. He gets to worship the mega star AND the mega star is ACTING HIS DICK OFF Mega stars love to be worshipped regardless of what the client looks like. The point is the mega star is being paid to be worshipped, that feeds the ego of the mega star nicely.. More clients and more clients... This "Porn persona" thing is paying off IN FULL!!. What about the person behind the character?? Everybody loves Mega star!! But would they love the person behind the shell?? The skinny and socially awkward guy?? Hook ups love the persona...Porn love the persona....Clients love the persona Institutionalized!! This character has taken over your Life, the mega star has heard his "Persona" name more times than his actual name. Some mega stars can google their porn name and get a million links then turn around and google their actual name and get "Nothing Found". But mega star is living the life....right?? Endless Hook ups leading no where!! Plenty of clients that pay for your acting skills out there. All you have to do is keep playing the "Persona" over and over!! Big money big money.. The only things that can stop the Mega star: Aging process...nothing can stop that, you will grow old. HIV/health issues The Mega Star himself Everybody has inner demons that they act out through various ways Boozing/Sexing/Drugging/Gambling and any of these "Vices" can harm the Mega Star. Mental state, This is scary so I can only speak about my experience: When I came into industry(2005)Exclusive deals were the bomb. The feeling that you had being "Hand carried" to events and treated with respect and spoiled was so overpowering!! VIP everything!! I became spoiled for a period of time, and I wanted to be spoiled forever!! I made a huge career change when I went free agent. I hated the feeling that I would no longer have limos, or the whole Porn Star glam thing. That feeling of uncertainty was scary... I dedicated three years of my life into the "Porn persona"(by 2009) thing, and knowing that my future outside of porn would be "Limited", my love life sucked at that point. What did I have?? A "Porn persona" that can make money.. I became that character off screen and dived into the sex industry FULL TIME!! By 2009 I had to take a break and find myself, I was going crazy living this "Persona" I felt like I was trapped.. Picture making alot of money "Acting", but your love life sucks and your not dating. That is the trade off....Picture your in a relationship that is great but your broke and the real job is not paying all the bills. Lets be real, the recession is forcing alot of people to do porn in the first place... Times are tough as it is and I hate being broke. What to do?? I know what your thinking, Ideally I should date another porn star..Right?? If you haven't read this blog before I will put it like this to you.... "Been there done that...." Or finding someone comfortable and supportive of your business.....Ding Ding Finding one of those.......HARD!! Back to mental state, some times I'm not comfortable/confident with myself but I can not show that to the outside world.(Inside my Head)I have to always keep this image of the Cocky, big mouthed Top guy that people have grown to love. While my world crumbs personally/money wise, all people know of Me is that I'm THAT Mega star that gets naked on camera and fucks all these boys. Sex Sex Sex. My issues with my body/face/height/social skills can drown Me sometimes in a bi polar whirlwind. I tend to keep to myself and avoid going out to clubs or bars unless I'm there doing the "Diesel" thing. At this point of my life the only person that calls Me by my real name is my mother. *Sigh Clearly I have issues with Bi polar... A normal person would seek treatment, take medication and live life to the fullest. The only flaw I see in that.... I did the whole seek treatment thing, and tried the medication.....Guess what happened?? A side effect of the medication...NO HARD ON!! A Porn Star/Escort who can't get his dick hard!! Yeah I know, not good for business at all. And if I can't perform, why would people hire Me in the first place...?? That cycle of being broke returns, no money no hard on, no love life..... Depression big time!! Now I'm depressed because I can't perform in bed, always broke, and never having a relationship that is based on a emotional level or connection. FUCK THAT MEDICATION!! I will self medicate with my weed, THANK YOU! Weed gets Me Hard/Hungry and the cost of weed...not that high(bad pun) I guess what people do not understand, certain insecurities that you have before porn are now tripled in severity due to your popularity. Nut farm!!! Institutionalized!! Anyway.............. Anyway the death of Eric Rhodes has touched me deeply... Rest in peace. Big Man

We had more things in common then I thought........Goodbye


Anonymous said...

i think its time you write your autobiography...a best seller!!!

Anonymous said...

Good to see a man of intellect representing the men of color in the industry. I got out back in 2000 as I went through the whole We dont shoot many big budget black films, ethnic low pay(when you work for the lowballers of the industry), Lack of quality interacial work, and worse of all...the models that look like they should be on your bad nieghborhood crack corner(and 65-70% were). I found out I am Bi-polar, which was hard trying to keep a handle on my pornstar ex-bf who wasn't black and allowed the demons of the industry to screw with his vision of the reason we got into it, not to mention was suffering from acute bipolar, which escalated his stereotypical negative pornstar behavior. Anyway too much here I just identified with some of what you have said in your blogs, And although it wasnt a lot of us, There were some intellegent prideful black pornstars who handled their business in the mid to late 90's, And didn't fall prey to the blue eyed devil types(and sellout high profile men of color) that sold many of us down the river. But as I told a group of complaining performers on a set one day, "WE CAN MAKE A STAND AND WALK." No one did so obviously it was good enough for them at the time. The Bobby Blakes, Vaughn Kinseys can only survive if the actors keep show up on calls. Bareback sex is horrible and it amazes me how many guys will do it for a buck. Crazy man. Anyway its nice to see a classy brother like you doing "the damn thing."

Richard said...

I knew your post about Erik's death would be something powerful and "real", I just did not realize how very thought-provoking it would be. In particular the reference to how your Mother now is the only person to call you by your real name, for some reason, really resonates the most with me.

Anyway, we have never met, and I hope some day to meet you. Therefore while I realize that is not much of an incentive, lol, my true hope is that you keep doing what it takes to keep yourself moving forward in life.

Immanuel said...

Your stream-of-consciousness writing really revealed the real world of gay porn stars.

All that glitters is not gold. I wouldn't trade my more pedestrian life for yours ever.

But what comes through in your writing is a fierce intelligence, sensitivity and passion for life.

You can do anything you want. Take some college courses. Volunteer. Hell, find a professional freelance writer and pen a book -- your story is fascinating.

I know it's hard but I know you have friends who love YOU and not the pornstar personna.

You will find a new niche.

And remember there are folks out here like me and the other commenters who love to hear what's on your mind. And not all of us want to fuck you or get the porn star treatment.

We just want to continue hearing about the real you.

Take care man and be safe

Immanuel at

Anonymous said...

you toughts really touched me. do not worry when this burdens will be too much for you, just leave it. before this have a good management of your money . Above all, you will have in due time someone who loves and affectionates you really for yourself.
Any way thks for making me happy some lonely nights with your videos. I have them all.
Take care.

Anonymous said...

Man, that was real writing and revelation of the spirit, and I too was touched altho I didn't know your friend. I've checked in with you over the years, and believe you'd be a great writer. You've already shown your ability to create a super hero image; what about imagining other characters in words (or film / visual arts) and walking away from Diesel into a private world? Folks love you, including me, not only for how you look and act but what you share of your experience. I would continue to visit your blog even if you hadn't seen Diesel on film recently. I'm glad to see you're getting quite a few responses to this. I see I'm not alone in being interested in the man behind the image.

Adonais said...

Stay strong, Diesel, and yes, consider writing an autobiography.

Keep taking care of yourself mentally and physically, try to set some money aside, work on projects like the new one, and just keep doing your thing. We don't want to end up tragically like Erik Rhodes (RIP), Roman Ragazzi (RIP) or so many others.

Stay strong, brutha, and take care of yourself!