Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
HOOKER STORIES 2 OUT NOW!!(Sorta)
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Monday, February 25, 2013
FATHER ISSUES..CHANGING...!! BEING A MAN
Here goes the Man I hated for 20yrs....
My Father!!
Visit Two
Yeah I wanted to see the look on my Fathers face of not having Me around for years wondering if I was Dead or Alive?
I wanted him to see how tall I grew and all the new muscles...
I wanted him to see Me strong, alive, OUT in the open..
I walked into the Hospital with a steady gate, shoulders back, back straight, and chest forward.....
I will be honest with you....That is the way I felt!!
I looked my Father directly in his eyes
I had this Grudge for 20years against this man, and seeing him right by Peggy, praying, hoping, and showing this human side of himself. Oh shit!! I'm balling in tears but trying to hold it together, I want to hug him, but the anger I'm holding doesn't let Me get too close.
Convo is short, I don't know really what to say? I never had any bad feelings for Peggy. In fact Peggy always encouraged Me to stay in contact with my Father.
Peggy has been battling Cancer for the last three years of her life, and my Father was there the whole time fighting it with her. This was his partner, she made him a better person and she always wanted the best for him. Peggy was dying, and I wanted to pay my respects...
I had a couple of convos with Peggy, and seeing her in the hospital with all these tubes poking around her was alarming. She had the later stages of Cancer, she had an infection that spread throughout her body. Peggy was not there, her body was there...
Peggy was gone, and the hospital was just keeping her alive with the use of machines. My father had the hard decision of wheter to keep her on life support or not. I wouldn't want to place that BURDEN on anybody..
I sat and talked to my Father for hours, I didn't want to talk about the past(I did really)so I gave my Father the chance to Vent. I don't want to EVER feel the pain he was feeling, so much emotion and this was his wife for over 20 years. He didn't want to let her go, it was clear that Peggy was not there she moved on to a better place. I kept looking at my Father, he was talking to Peggy saying things like
"If you are there, Can you give me a sign?"
"Wake Up" "Peggy!!"
He would feel her hand and squeeze it, expecting Peggy to squeeze his hand back letting him know She is still here but she is not. He jumps up if he sees her eye moving, holding on to any sign of hope. My Father breaks down, excuses himself and walks to the hallway. With Peggy now alone, I walk up to her bed, lean forward towards Her and say "Peggy is Tee, I'm here now...Sorry I'm late but I'm here now.."
I break down and cry(alot of it for past week)and I sit bed side with my Father just staring at Peggy looking for any sign...
I see how my Father stares into Peggy's face....
That was his wife, I see the love, feel the love he has for her, everyday he has been pulling up a chair and sleeping in the hospital with his wife, refusing to go home for last 30days. It hurts!! It really hurts just sitting in that hospital and having to see him GO THROUGH IT!!
This was not what I wanted to see!
I had to let go of alot anger because my Father needed Me. This wasn't a Father/Son thing it was showing respect/support to a man that is my Father who is losing his wife at the moment. Let it go!! It was more important to move ahead in OUR relationship more than ever!!
20yrs of holding a grudge!!
You fans often wonder why I go so HAM at times!! Just plain old Father issues. I think letting go of all that anger has made Me a better person!! I do want something of a relationship with my Father. I have missed alot and I think he knows that as well..
We haven't had the BIG talk yet, but for the most part I do want to be apart of his life again. The feelings are too raw and he needs time to mourn. I plan to visit him again this week and help ease the pain a bit.
I learned alot from my Father on the second visit:
The reason no pics of Me in Family Room?? My baby pics, graduation pics, army pics are all on his phone.
My father didn't leave my mother, it was the other way around.
My father never moved away because he wanted to be close to his family(instead of moving down south)
He admitted his mistakes.
So I'm at this point of my life where all my Major issues stemmed from the issues I had with my
Father. And all of the sudden all that anger and pain is gone, I used to have this huge cloud in my head of not knowing what to do with myself. I had failed relationship after relationship and I know it all came from Daddy issues.
So I have been keeping in touch with my Father, and planning another Visit soon.
****
Peggy passed away at 3:30pm on 02/26/2013
RIP
Friday, February 22, 2013
DOWN MEMORY LANE
Jumping in....
So.......
I will say this in a few short sentences, I do not have the best relationship with my father(I have said that before)In a nutshell, the last time I really had any interaction with my father was when I graduated College. I invited him to my graduation, well...
The only reason why I invited my father to my graduation, was just to rub it in his face. "Here you go Pop, said I wouldn't amount to anything" "I got a degree now...Get out of my Life"...
The next time I would see my father was when my Grandmother passed in 2006. See my Background. No issues resolved, it was that time when family needed each other the most. 2010 my Grandfather passes, I come to show my respect and help out. I had no interaction with my father at all, show my respect and I left..
My father contacts Me to tell Me that his wife is dying in the hospital, and if I could stop by and see him. Really??Really?
**side note I lived with my Father from 12-18, it wasn't a father and son relationship. I felt that my father thought of Me as his roommate. My father would carry on with various women, go on trips, vacations, dinners and shows, but We were dirt poor. We had no heat, sometimes no lights, or even food. I often wondered why my father would say We were poor. He had:
Gym membership,
Latest stereo equipment,
Drove a nice car,
Flashy wardrobe.
Big muscles (So He must have been eating)
I guess what he meant was that I WAS POOR!! Seeing that he didn't take Me anywhere, check on my homework, come to my basketball games/track meets/Drama club performances. We basically just lived together, he would come home from work, change clothes and go to gym, then come back, go into his room and shut the door. Or for an added surprise, he would come back with some random woman, have sex with her and then drive her home. My father NEVER hit Me or beat Me or was verbally abusive with Me. NEVER
He just simply ignored Me.....
No father/son relationship, No pep talks, no bonding, no connection, I was simply a "Thing" that was living in his space. That sounds harsh "Thing" well I can't say a Pet or something...
Pets you have to feed/walk and show affection to...
The icing on the cake, He remarried after I left for the Army when I was 18years old. His new wife had two kids from a previous relationship(boy/girl 10years younger than Me)he moved into a new house and started raising her children as his own. So he started a whole new family...
I went to go visit him once, I walked into his new house and there He was having dinner at the table with "His" family. I sat down to the table with my father, his wife and two kids, feeling like I didn't belong here. Because:
When I lived with my father, We didn't eat at the table...He ate somewhere and I starved(started working at 13 to survive)
I see my father asking the kids if they did their homework or not. Never asked if I did mine when I was their age...
I see the affection and looks he gives the new kids...I mean my Step brother/sister. My step sister is at the table saying "I love you Daddy"..Strange that I see how receptive my father is when my step sister said that. I guess I missed that period of learning my father had, now he knew how to return feelings in a Father/Son/Daughter relationship.
Sad I didn't have the opportunity to experience that first hand...
It dawned on Me, I just lived in his space all those years......
He RAISED my new brother/sister, when I was in the military and moved away from him. Yeah I'm jealous and I was sitting at the table hurting bad.
I walk in the family room, and there are the Wedding pictures(I did not go to wedding), Pictures of my step brother/sister.
This next sentence is hard to write.
I walk into the Family room....... no pics of Me.
Fast forward 2013, my father contacts Me to tell Me that his wife is dying in the hospital, and if I could stop by and see him. Really??Really?
I'm on the phone with a Man who I don't know, He had the chance to get to know Me many times as a child but he simply ignored Me. Now he wants to see Me because he is losing his wife and needs to see Me for something...
I feel guilty because I haven't seen the man in years, and I'm getting older. Not sure how much time the Man has. And I have some big issues to settle with this man in order for Me to move on in life. I have alot of questions I want to ask, a lot of emotions to go through for closure.
I agree to come to visit him in the hospital, I go to unit where his wife is. There he is right by her side(Wife)she has cancer(late stages) and is in a coma, non responsive, she is slowly dieing....
I haven't seen my father in years, he was worn out, Old, tired, had the look of Defeat on his face. My father stood in front of Me(shorter than I remembered). At first, I wanted to walk into the room and Hate him from the start but I remained open minded.
I didn't have the best relationship with this man....and things got worse when He found out my sexuality. But this was almost 20years ago, I really need to let this go.
This was not the man I remember 20years ago....
When I left, he was this Big Strong Man who had no emotions. Did I forgot to mention that my father was a Correction Officer in a Prison? So yeah....Big Strong Man no emotions...!
What I saw at the hospital was not the man I wanted to be mad at forever!!!
I saw a Old,Weak,Defeated soul that has had his burden in life...
He looked at Me like he didn't recognize Me, I guess I should have expected It. He didn't raise Me or know Me...The man has no clue what I have done in the last 20years of my life. We had that awkward pause of wheter to Hug or shake hands. We hugged it out!! I started crying for some reason, my father looked at Me not knowing what to do.
He was tired, he hasn't left the hospital in 30 days but to only change clothes and shower and come back.
Considering the situation, I was there to help/support and show my respect, not get into this whole "You didn't show me enough love thing" so I said my piece, gave my hugs and made my farewell.
I have another visit Tomorrow....
So.......
I will say this in a few short sentences, I do not have the best relationship with my father(I have said that before)In a nutshell, the last time I really had any interaction with my father was when I graduated College. I invited him to my graduation, well...
The only reason why I invited my father to my graduation, was just to rub it in his face. "Here you go Pop, said I wouldn't amount to anything" "I got a degree now...Get out of my Life"...
The next time I would see my father was when my Grandmother passed in 2006. See my Background. No issues resolved, it was that time when family needed each other the most. 2010 my Grandfather passes, I come to show my respect and help out. I had no interaction with my father at all, show my respect and I left..
My father contacts Me to tell Me that his wife is dying in the hospital, and if I could stop by and see him. Really??Really?
**side note I lived with my Father from 12-18, it wasn't a father and son relationship. I felt that my father thought of Me as his roommate. My father would carry on with various women, go on trips, vacations, dinners and shows, but We were dirt poor. We had no heat, sometimes no lights, or even food. I often wondered why my father would say We were poor. He had:
Gym membership,
Latest stereo equipment,
Drove a nice car,
Flashy wardrobe.
Big muscles (So He must have been eating)
I guess what he meant was that I WAS POOR!! Seeing that he didn't take Me anywhere, check on my homework, come to my basketball games/track meets/Drama club performances. We basically just lived together, he would come home from work, change clothes and go to gym, then come back, go into his room and shut the door. Or for an added surprise, he would come back with some random woman, have sex with her and then drive her home. My father NEVER hit Me or beat Me or was verbally abusive with Me. NEVER
He just simply ignored Me.....
No father/son relationship, No pep talks, no bonding, no connection, I was simply a "Thing" that was living in his space. That sounds harsh "Thing" well I can't say a Pet or something...
Pets you have to feed/walk and show affection to...
The icing on the cake, He remarried after I left for the Army when I was 18years old. His new wife had two kids from a previous relationship(boy/girl 10years younger than Me)he moved into a new house and started raising her children as his own. So he started a whole new family...
I went to go visit him once, I walked into his new house and there He was having dinner at the table with "His" family. I sat down to the table with my father, his wife and two kids, feeling like I didn't belong here. Because:
When I lived with my father, We didn't eat at the table...He ate somewhere and I starved(started working at 13 to survive)
I see my father asking the kids if they did their homework or not. Never asked if I did mine when I was their age...
I see the affection and looks he gives the new kids...I mean my Step brother/sister. My step sister is at the table saying "I love you Daddy"..Strange that I see how receptive my father is when my step sister said that. I guess I missed that period of learning my father had, now he knew how to return feelings in a Father/Son/Daughter relationship.
Sad I didn't have the opportunity to experience that first hand...
It dawned on Me, I just lived in his space all those years......
He RAISED my new brother/sister, when I was in the military and moved away from him. Yeah I'm jealous and I was sitting at the table hurting bad.
I walk in the family room, and there are the Wedding pictures(I did not go to wedding), Pictures of my step brother/sister.
This next sentence is hard to write.
I walk into the Family room....... no pics of Me.
Fast forward 2013, my father contacts Me to tell Me that his wife is dying in the hospital, and if I could stop by and see him. Really??Really?
I'm on the phone with a Man who I don't know, He had the chance to get to know Me many times as a child but he simply ignored Me. Now he wants to see Me because he is losing his wife and needs to see Me for something...
I feel guilty because I haven't seen the man in years, and I'm getting older. Not sure how much time the Man has. And I have some big issues to settle with this man in order for Me to move on in life. I have alot of questions I want to ask, a lot of emotions to go through for closure.
I agree to come to visit him in the hospital, I go to unit where his wife is. There he is right by her side(Wife)she has cancer(late stages) and is in a coma, non responsive, she is slowly dieing....
I haven't seen my father in years, he was worn out, Old, tired, had the look of Defeat on his face. My father stood in front of Me(shorter than I remembered). At first, I wanted to walk into the room and Hate him from the start but I remained open minded.
I didn't have the best relationship with this man....and things got worse when He found out my sexuality. But this was almost 20years ago, I really need to let this go.
This was not the man I remember 20years ago....
When I left, he was this Big Strong Man who had no emotions. Did I forgot to mention that my father was a Correction Officer in a Prison? So yeah....Big Strong Man no emotions...!
What I saw at the hospital was not the man I wanted to be mad at forever!!!
I saw a Old,Weak,Defeated soul that has had his burden in life...
He looked at Me like he didn't recognize Me, I guess I should have expected It. He didn't raise Me or know Me...The man has no clue what I have done in the last 20years of my life. We had that awkward pause of wheter to Hug or shake hands. We hugged it out!! I started crying for some reason, my father looked at Me not knowing what to do.
He was tired, he hasn't left the hospital in 30 days but to only change clothes and shower and come back.
Considering the situation, I was there to help/support and show my respect, not get into this whole "You didn't show me enough love thing" so I said my piece, gave my hugs and made my farewell.
I have another visit Tomorrow....
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
BODYS PICS IT WAS TIME!!
Just had to post some pics for the fans, I haven't kept my blog updated with pictures lately, I have just been so busy running around and working on different projects left and right.
Saturday, February 09, 2013
ON THE SOAP BOX
Here I am talking about the evils of bareback porn, and this was filmed a few years back and its just making its rounds now. I have my stance on the whole bareback porn IT IS WHAT IT IS....
Again, Not to sound like I'm judging.....
Just not sure why a model wants to portray a Human Cum Dump with random STRANGERS holding a piece of paper saying they tested negative...
That is a risk, I will not take...
I can only put humor in this because when it comes to this subject I get over serious and I want to be light hearted this year. Anyway, I really do not understand how a model can be on set and when fucking, and the director is like "Breed his Ass"...uuummmm Ewww..
First off, you don't know this guy who your working with. Yeah sure you had tests done or took a test about a week ago and present it the day of shooting. I just don't see how a model can not sit back and think...
"I'm a whore/slut and I know I have done my share of dirty things. Now I'm going to that next level of fucking another whore/slut RAW just because he has a piece of paper saying he tested clean last week, or even two days ago....You know how many people you can have sex with in that time?"
I don't want to be on the soap box but it seems like everybody stopped talking about HIV in the Industry and its all about Shock value now. In a turn of events, you have outspoken porn models who are all about Safety and Testing, but wanted to be edgy and filmed with a well known Bareback company but only did Edging/Blow Job scenes. I get it.....
These models wanted to be edgy and wanted to broaden their audience by jumping on the most popular Trend. These "Intellectual Porn Stars" made a mistake(in my opinion) because it kinda of confuses the message. While you wanted to broaden your audience, you just gave the company the star power and shock value it wanted. You didn't think that your scene wouldn't be mixed in the rest of the RAW footage they have for the project. Your "Brand" gave them star power and basically helped sell the DVD.
So you have a stance against bare backing but star in a movie that is about bare backing..???
Let me stop pointing fingers....that was just an Observation is all.
But what do I know?? I'm not an INTELLECTUAL PORN STAR
I just have a pinch of common sense....
Thursday, February 07, 2013
IT IS EASY TO FALL INTO THE DARKNESS
Alot of Deaths in Gay porn....
I got a couple of emails from fans wondering my thoughts about the death of yet another porn star in the businesss. This will probably be one of those gloomy posts, so if your having a good day I would advise not to read this and wait for the fun posts with the pictures and all that good stuff.....
Nobody understands what a Porn Veteran goes:
Is anybody familar with the term Idol Worship? Catechism of the Catholic Church states: "Idolatry not only refers to false pagan worship. Man commits idolatry whenever he honours and reveres a creature in place of God, whether this be gods, or demons (for example satanism), power, pleasure, race, ancestors, the state, money etc."
Scary Vid huh?, But as a culture that is what We do...
What does that mean to porn? You see these larger than life figures on screen playing out "Sexual situations" and We are beating our meat to the figure on the screen, the actors are even saying, "Worship my body" on the screen for your enjoyment. Nothing wrong with that, it's your favorite Porn Star having a good time and your "Choking the Chicken". Gay porn is Entertainment for the viewers, Plain and Simple. Now that Porn Star is placed on a pedestal and worshipped HARD. He is worshipped hard until....
A newer/fresher/younger model arrives on the scene, and then another one and then another and then another...
Soon enough, as in all entertainment one minute your hot and then the next minute your washed up/old news/day old bread. Ever wonder or think about that porn star who was the "IT" boy of his time???, Wonder what ever happened to him after the lights go out?? When the phone stops ringing? No more trips around USA. Do you even care??
That is how the entertainment business works...
To be a porn star, you have to have THICK SKIN, the day you starred in your first porno movie was the day your life will forever be changed. Good or Bad your life will defiantly change. You are now exposing yourself to the world, so expect your Karma to change and basically your way of life. If you were "Damaged goods" to begin with, then expect that Big downward spiral any day. The business can change people but you have to be strong enough not to let yourself get caught in the hype(Drugs, Risky sex, Users)But the game is hard, for some....
Imagine exposing yourself to the world, having the courage to let the world see your vulnerable side/sexual side and then when your SHELF LIFE expires....
YOU ENTER DARKNESS:
Emails from Haters, counting down the days until I do my first bareback scene.
Relationship? What is that?? Alot of people want to sleep with a Porn star but Date one?? Hell no!
Kinda hard to fill in the gaps on your Resume, not sure putting Porn Actor on the application is cool.
Studios/Web sites want only fresh faces.
In order to be "On" I need a bag of weed/coke/tina/G/K or pills...
Plenty of sex......Intimacy and emotional connection with people not so much. Lonely life sometimes
There is a CLASH between the perception of myself, the perception of what people think about Me.
Self worth, Self confidence is at an all time low.
Intimacy is replaced with sexual conquests(Random sex, online hookups, one nighters, booty calls)
I'm not the "Guy you want to get to know.." I'm the "Guy you want to fuck"
I started out as that hot guy, but when it was made known that I do porn, now I'm a Slut!! A disease carrying, slut who has no respect for himself....what a change of events.
As a Porn Star you supplement your income by Dancing/Escorting/Massages/Personal appearances. So a lot of lonely nights in hotel rooms in different states, got to go where the money is.
Feelings of paranoia grow, when you get anonymous emails from people who see you at an event or just walking on street. People/eyes are watching your every movement.
Porn is what you make it, it does come with the Stigma, but you have to know how to use that in your favor. It's 2013, everybody has a naked/shirtless/cock shot/ass pic/sexy underwear picture online so the stigma is not so strong nowadays but some people do find it limiting. But again it takes a strong willed person to do porn ESP when you reached your Shelf Life.
I do feel bad about the "Fallen Soldiers" they had issues and needed help. Porn is not to blame but porn did accelerate the problems of that individual.
I'm Jealous that these models finally get to sleep in peace.
RIP my friends...
.
I got a couple of emails from fans wondering my thoughts about the death of yet another porn star in the businesss. This will probably be one of those gloomy posts, so if your having a good day I would advise not to read this and wait for the fun posts with the pictures and all that good stuff.....
Nobody understands what a Porn Veteran goes:
Is anybody familar with the term Idol Worship? Catechism of the Catholic Church states: "Idolatry not only refers to false pagan worship. Man commits idolatry whenever he honours and reveres a creature in place of God, whether this be gods, or demons (for example satanism), power, pleasure, race, ancestors, the state, money etc."
Scary Vid huh?, But as a culture that is what We do...
What does that mean to porn? You see these larger than life figures on screen playing out "Sexual situations" and We are beating our meat to the figure on the screen, the actors are even saying, "Worship my body" on the screen for your enjoyment. Nothing wrong with that, it's your favorite Porn Star having a good time and your "Choking the Chicken". Gay porn is Entertainment for the viewers, Plain and Simple. Now that Porn Star is placed on a pedestal and worshipped HARD. He is worshipped hard until....
A newer/fresher/younger model arrives on the scene, and then another one and then another and then another...
Soon enough, as in all entertainment one minute your hot and then the next minute your washed up/old news/day old bread. Ever wonder or think about that porn star who was the "IT" boy of his time???, Wonder what ever happened to him after the lights go out?? When the phone stops ringing? No more trips around USA. Do you even care??
That is how the entertainment business works...
To be a porn star, you have to have THICK SKIN, the day you starred in your first porno movie was the day your life will forever be changed. Good or Bad your life will defiantly change. You are now exposing yourself to the world, so expect your Karma to change and basically your way of life. If you were "Damaged goods" to begin with, then expect that Big downward spiral any day. The business can change people but you have to be strong enough not to let yourself get caught in the hype(Drugs, Risky sex, Users)But the game is hard, for some....
Imagine exposing yourself to the world, having the courage to let the world see your vulnerable side/sexual side and then when your SHELF LIFE expires....
YOU ENTER DARKNESS:
Emails from Haters, counting down the days until I do my first bareback scene.
Relationship? What is that?? Alot of people want to sleep with a Porn star but Date one?? Hell no!
Kinda hard to fill in the gaps on your Resume, not sure putting Porn Actor on the application is cool.
Studios/Web sites want only fresh faces.
In order to be "On" I need a bag of weed/coke/tina/G/K or pills...
Plenty of sex......Intimacy and emotional connection with people not so much. Lonely life sometimes
There is a CLASH between the perception of myself, the perception of what people think about Me.
Self worth, Self confidence is at an all time low.
Intimacy is replaced with sexual conquests(Random sex, online hookups, one nighters, booty calls)
I'm not the "Guy you want to get to know.." I'm the "Guy you want to fuck"
I started out as that hot guy, but when it was made known that I do porn, now I'm a Slut!! A disease carrying, slut who has no respect for himself....what a change of events.
As a Porn Star you supplement your income by Dancing/Escorting/Massages/Personal appearances. So a lot of lonely nights in hotel rooms in different states, got to go where the money is.
Feelings of paranoia grow, when you get anonymous emails from people who see you at an event or just walking on street. People/eyes are watching your every movement.
Porn is what you make it, it does come with the Stigma, but you have to know how to use that in your favor. It's 2013, everybody has a naked/shirtless/cock shot/ass pic/sexy underwear picture online so the stigma is not so strong nowadays but some people do find it limiting. But again it takes a strong willed person to do porn ESP when you reached your Shelf Life.
I do feel bad about the "Fallen Soldiers" they had issues and needed help. Porn is not to blame but porn did accelerate the problems of that individual.
I'm Jealous that these models finally get to sleep in peace.
RIP my friends...
.
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