Monday, February 25, 2013
FATHER ISSUES..CHANGING...!! BEING A MAN
Here goes the Man I hated for 20yrs....
Yeah I wanted to see the look on my Fathers face of not having Me around for years wondering if I was Dead or Alive?
I wanted him to see how tall I grew and all the new muscles...
I wanted him to see Me strong, alive, OUT in the open..
I walked into the Hospital with a steady gate, shoulders back, back straight, and chest forward.....
I will be honest with you....That is the way I felt!!
I looked my Father directly in his eyes
I had this Grudge for 20years against this man, and seeing him right by Peggy, praying, hoping, and showing this human side of himself. Oh shit!! I'm balling in tears but trying to hold it together, I want to hug him, but the anger I'm holding doesn't let Me get too close.
Convo is short, I don't know really what to say? I never had any bad feelings for Peggy. In fact Peggy always encouraged Me to stay in contact with my Father.
Peggy has been battling Cancer for the last three years of her life, and my Father was there the whole time fighting it with her. This was his partner, she made him a better person and she always wanted the best for him. Peggy was dying, and I wanted to pay my respects...
I had a couple of convos with Peggy, and seeing her in the hospital with all these tubes poking around her was alarming. She had the later stages of Cancer, she had an infection that spread throughout her body. Peggy was not there, her body was there...
Peggy was gone, and the hospital was just keeping her alive with the use of machines. My father had the hard decision of wheter to keep her on life support or not. I wouldn't want to place that BURDEN on anybody..
I sat and talked to my Father for hours, I didn't want to talk about the past(I did really)so I gave my Father the chance to Vent. I don't want to EVER feel the pain he was feeling, so much emotion and this was his wife for over 20 years. He didn't want to let her go, it was clear that Peggy was not there she moved on to a better place. I kept looking at my Father, he was talking to Peggy saying things like
"If you are there, Can you give me a sign?"
"Wake Up" "Peggy!!"
He would feel her hand and squeeze it, expecting Peggy to squeeze his hand back letting him know She is still here but she is not. He jumps up if he sees her eye moving, holding on to any sign of hope. My Father breaks down, excuses himself and walks to the hallway. With Peggy now alone, I walk up to her bed, lean forward towards Her and say "Peggy is Tee, I'm here now...Sorry I'm late but I'm here now.."
I break down and cry(alot of it for past week)and I sit bed side with my Father just staring at Peggy looking for any sign...
I see how my Father stares into Peggy's face....
That was his wife, I see the love, feel the love he has for her, everyday he has been pulling up a chair and sleeping in the hospital with his wife, refusing to go home for last 30days. It hurts!! It really hurts just sitting in that hospital and having to see him GO THROUGH IT!!
This was not what I wanted to see!
I had to let go of alot anger because my Father needed Me. This wasn't a Father/Son thing it was showing respect/support to a man that is my Father who is losing his wife at the moment. Let it go!! It was more important to move ahead in OUR relationship more than ever!!
20yrs of holding a grudge!!
You fans often wonder why I go so HAM at times!! Just plain old Father issues. I think letting go of all that anger has made Me a better person!! I do want something of a relationship with my Father. I have missed alot and I think he knows that as well..
We haven't had the BIG talk yet, but for the most part I do want to be apart of his life again. The feelings are too raw and he needs time to mourn. I plan to visit him again this week and help ease the pain a bit.
I learned alot from my Father on the second visit:
The reason no pics of Me in Family Room?? My baby pics, graduation pics, army pics are all on his phone.
My father didn't leave my mother, it was the other way around.
My father never moved away because he wanted to be close to his family(instead of moving down south)
He admitted his mistakes.
So I'm at this point of my life where all my Major issues stemmed from the issues I had with my
Father. And all of the sudden all that anger and pain is gone, I used to have this huge cloud in my head of not knowing what to do with myself. I had failed relationship after relationship and I know it all came from Daddy issues.
So I have been keeping in touch with my Father, and planning another Visit soon.
Peggy passed away at 3:30pm on 02/26/2013
Posted by Diesel Washington at 10:42 PM