DOWN MEMORY LANE

Jumping in....


So.......

I will say this in a few short sentences, I do not have the best relationship with my father(I have said that before)In a nutshell, the last time I really had any interaction with my father was when I graduated College. I invited him to my graduation, well...

The only reason why I invited my father to my graduation, was just to rub it in his face. "Here you go Pop, said I wouldn't amount to anything" "I got a degree now...Get out of my Life"...

 The next time I would see my father was when my Grandmother passed in 2006. See my Background.  No issues resolved, it was that time when family needed each other the most. 2010 my Grandfather passes, I come to show my respect and help out. I had no interaction with my father at all, show my respect and I left..

My father contacts Me to tell Me that his wife is dying in the hospital, and if I could stop by and see him.  Really??Really?

**side note I lived with my Father from 12-18, it wasn't a father and son relationship. I felt that my father thought of Me as his roommate. My father would carry on with various women, go on trips, vacations, dinners and shows, but We were dirt poor. We had no heat, sometimes no lights, or even food. I often wondered why my father would say We were poor.  He had:

Gym membership,
Latest stereo equipment,
Drove a nice car,
Flashy wardrobe.
Big muscles (So He must have been eating)

I guess what he meant was that I WAS POOR!! Seeing that he didn't take Me anywhere, check on my homework, come to my basketball games/track meets/Drama club performances. We basically just lived together, he would come home from work, change clothes and go to gym, then come back, go into his room and shut the door. Or for an added surprise, he would come back with some random woman, have sex with her and then drive her home.  My father NEVER hit Me or beat Me or was verbally abusive with Me. NEVER

He just simply ignored Me.....

No father/son relationship, No pep talks, no bonding, no connection, I was simply a "Thing" that was living in his space.  That sounds harsh "Thing" well I can't say a Pet or something...

Pets you have to feed/walk and show affection to...

The icing on the cake, He remarried after I left for the Army when I was 18years old. His new wife had two kids from a previous relationship(boy/girl 10years younger than Me)he moved into a new house and started raising her children as his own.  So he started a whole new family...

I went to go visit him once, I walked into his new house and there He was having dinner at the table with "His" family.  I sat down to the table with my father, his wife and two kids, feeling like I didn't belong here. Because:

When I lived with my father, We didn't eat at the table...He ate somewhere and I starved(started working at 13 to survive)

I see my father asking the kids if they did their homework or not.  Never asked if I did mine when I was their age...

I see the affection and looks he gives the new kids...I mean my Step brother/sister. My step sister is at the table saying "I love you Daddy"..Strange that I see how receptive my father is when my step sister said that. I guess I missed that period of learning my father had, now he knew how to return feelings in a Father/Son/Daughter relationship.

Sad I didn't have the opportunity to experience that first hand...

It dawned on Me, I just lived in his space all those years......

He RAISED my new brother/sister, when I was in the military and moved away from him. Yeah I'm jealous and I was sitting at the table hurting bad.

I walk in the family room, and there are the Wedding pictures(I did not go to wedding), Pictures of my step brother/sister. 

This next sentence is hard to write.

I walk into the Family room....... no pics of Me.

Fast forward 2013, my father contacts Me to tell Me that his wife is dying in the hospital, and if I could stop by and see him. Really??Really?

I'm on the phone with a Man who I don't know,  He had the chance to get to know Me many times as a child but he simply ignored Me.  Now he wants to see Me because he is losing his wife and needs to see Me for something...

I feel guilty because I haven't seen the man in years, and I'm getting older. Not sure how much time the Man has. And I have some big issues to settle with this man in order for Me to move on in life.  I have alot of questions I want to ask, a lot of emotions to go through for closure.

I agree to come to visit him in the hospital, I go to unit where his wife is.  There he is right by her side(Wife)she has cancer(late stages) and is in a coma, non responsive, she is slowly dieing....

I haven't seen my father in years, he was worn out, Old, tired, had the look of Defeat on his face. My father stood in front of Me(shorter than I remembered). At first, I wanted to walk into the room and Hate him from the start but I remained open minded.

I didn't have the best relationship with this man....and things got worse when He found out my sexuality. But this was almost 20years ago, I really need to let this go.

This was not the man I remember 20years ago....

When I left, he was this Big Strong Man who had no emotions. Did I forgot to mention that my father was a Correction Officer in a Prison? So yeah....Big Strong Man no emotions...!

What I saw at the hospital was not the man I wanted to be mad at forever!!!

I saw a Old,Weak,Defeated soul that has had his burden in life...

He looked at Me like he didn't recognize Me, I guess I should have expected It. He didn't raise Me or know Me...The man has no clue what I have done in the last 20years of my life. We had that awkward pause of wheter to Hug or shake hands. We hugged it out!! I started crying for some reason, my father looked at Me not knowing what to do.

He was tired, he hasn't left the hospital in 30 days but to only change clothes and shower and come back.

Considering the situation, I was there to help/support and show my respect, not get into this whole "You didn't show me enough love thing" so I said my piece, gave my hugs and made my farewell.

I have another visit Tomorrow....