Saturday, July 10, 2010
MY REFLECTIONS IN MIRROR
I want to share this email from a fan I received the other day, I read all my email/comments BTW...
I read your Time for Change post on the blog today and thought I'd offer you my perspective on some of the stuff you wrote about. Some of my e-mail will probably zig-zag all over the fucking place. Plus I sort of go back and forth referring to you as Diesel, but then also referring to the character "Diesel Washington". I apologize in advance if it's confusing. FYI: Although I'm a fan, I'm not a sycophant, a stalker or someone with no life. You'll never find me hanging out looking to meet porn stars at awards shows or The Black Party. I'm nearly 50 years old and married to my husband - I don't do award shows and circuit parties. I like to watch porn because it revs my engine up. I do like aspects of the Diesel Washington character and I think you're a great top - macho and sexy. I can see why your videos do well. I will typically catch up on your blog about once a week. It used to be more often, but the venom you mentioned in the "Time for Change" post sort of drives me away. You're always lashing out at people and airing your laundry - but in so doing, you invite more drama. You publicize and energize the very people who fuck with you which invites them to continue to fuck with you. I've never understood why you don't rise above it and take the high road, leaving the "shit" to sink to the bottom of the pool so to speak. I speculated that maybe it was part of the whole Diesel persona and it helped you career-wise or something. Frankly I think you're better than that - a fact that is backed up by the sales of the videos you've been in. The porn business is all about making money Diesel - and you make the studios you work for money!! As far as the Mandingo issue, the Ageism issue and fighting with companies that aren't hiring Men of Color: FUCK THEM. I'll repeat myself: The porn business is all about making money. YOU MAKE THE STUDIOS YOU WORK FOR MONEY!!! You need to OWN THAT. Build and nurture those partnerships and fuck the rest of the people who don't want to work with you. The "Diesel" character is about marketing, right? Figure out your niche and milk the fuck out of it. Appreciate that if you're King of the Hill there will always be people trying to knock you off the top of the mountain so they can take your place. The day they stop trying to do so is the day you have to start worrying. There is a market for big dicked, dominant tops, for twinks for African American performers and for "mature" men. Fact is, you're not "old". It's not like you're going gray and your body parts are sagging. You're a fine-ass man! Partner with studios and producers/directors that are strong in your market niche and "Diesel" will continue to generate profits for you and for them. As for the models looking to break into the business that you've had trouble with: They're twinks Diesel. They're barely out of high school, immature as hell and they've always gotten by on their youth and their looks. They thrive on drama! They don't know anything else. How old were you when you got into adult entertainment? You had been in the military and you were more mature. Maybe you need to look for more people like you were when you started. You might find that they're more disciplined, more motivated and more willing to take direction from someone with a proven track record. It's bound to be better for your blood pressure than the little fuckers you've tried working with up to now. Right?? I don't know. Maybe you'll blast me for having written to you. I hope not, but I hope that something I've said will ring true with you. I visit a few other performers blogs occasionally and they're writing about appearances they've made, places they're traveling to, their workouts, etc. Their posts are positive and convey that their career trajectory is is going in the right direction. Your posts are angry and negative, calling out people and issuing challenges. Diesel, it's bad energy, bad public relations and it makes "Diesel Washington" look erratic and hard to deal with. You don't need to go there! So long as you're making money for them, studios will partner with you over the skinny fucker from XTube or the users and flakes. The awards, the accolades, etc. - that's what you remind the studios of when you're negotiating with them. Success equals money for them and you are successful. Post the awards you've won in a list on your blog so everyone can see it (which you do already) - new fans and old fans alike. Then tell us what you're doing, where you're appearing, etc. Don't get dragged into calling out other performers on their drama and bullshit. When you do, you look as bad as they do. I'll quit now. And I'll hope that I don't get a return e-mail from you that's set on "Blast". Remember, I'm not the enemy, okay? I LIKE your character and want to see you succeed. I ask for nothing from you in return.
One of the reasons to write a blog besides for promotion and appearances bah bah bah...is having a way to chart yourself.
You can read over past posts and go "What the Fuck was I going through that Day???" and I do see the mess that comes out of my mouth. I'm not proud of that whole rant about KILLING someone for using my Mom as a prop for revenge. I lost my Cool and I did play into the hands of that Asshole. He wanted a response, He wanted to provoke Me and I have to admit I played into it. I know people were like, "What the Fuck is Diesel going Hard on this time??"
I figured people would "Tune Me Out" or unfollow Me on Twitter or whatever the Queens do. At that point, I didn't care about my Career I didn't care about much.. I was just angry!!
Fight after Fight and I was letting the door open to people who would try to Use Me because I was blinded to the fact.... I'm the one with control, Control over myself and the path that I choose. I forget that sometimes....
I admit it I make Mistakes!!
I guess I wasn't as honest with Fans as I claim to be....
Sometimes I sit around bored and lonely because I distanced myself from people and being social. I don't date as much anymore, and I find myself pushing friends away that actual cared about Me and not the Porn Star Diesel Washington.....
I used to be that Positive Energy Guy!! You know the guy that hated drama and did not allow it to interfere with his life and goals...
God!! I changed so much, and I really don't like this person that I turned into. Would I call it being Jaded??? I would have to say Yes!! How thrilling another Jaded Porn Star to the business, Who wants to be around that!?!
I don't blame people for not wanting to be around it, Deep down I can't stand Myself sometimes....
Before I go into the whole, "Another Hot guy complaining about How lonely He is bit.." I want to say to the Fans...
You came on this ride almost five years ago, you been there through all the Ups and Downs of this whole character Diesel Washington. I took YOU the Fans for granted, and kept spitting out all the hate and garbage and you kept sending Me emails of encouragement over and over.....
What happened to the Joy and Positive Energy that the Blog had???
I'm proud to say, I will return to that Positive energy for Myself and the Fans. I'm not saying that because I want the Fans to keep buying the Product. I'm just saying when I was more positive on my outlook on life, people wanted to be near Me cause they felt the love.
Sorry to Patrick!! Juicygohoe, Chase, Hayden and to anybody else that felt the venom(regardless if it was provoked or not)saying Sorry to those people, probably does not make sense to you, but it makes sense to Me.
If I don't let go of the pain and stress it will come back to Eat Me! So saying Sorry is that release to Me!! I'm on Top of my game right now!! There are no replacements for Diesel Washington, and I forget that sometimes. I have to stop comparing Myself to other People, let those people Rock On!!! I don't want to be a hater..... So Congrats need to be given...
I will take the advice from Fans and JUST LET IT GO!!!!
As far as that Elder Statesman of Gay Porn, I don't want that title!! Reading over past posts I was so concerned about What the younger performers were doing instead of just Living Out My own Destiny!! While they impact the future of porn, I have to remember that I can keep standing for my own ideals and my own thoughts!! The consumers/buyers of porn can recognize who the Fakes are and What performers constantly bring it each and every time.
I had to write this post because I feel so energized right now!!! Negative energy is never a good thing to hold on to.
I have alot of Bridges to fix, Family, Friends, Business.
Family business is always handled first, I think its time to reach out to My Father. I never had a strong relationship with my Father, and THAT one major flaw has followed Me forever and keeps popping up.
There are some Friends that I need to reconnect with. I just don't understand How you stop talking to People over bullshit??? You have a fight and the next thing you know, U missed the birth of your Best Friends kid. And you guys have been friends for over Twenty years......God that Hurts so Much!!
Business, that is something I'm handling right now!!!I have a Brand that I created and I'm pissing it away by acting like some Kid! I can admit it because I see the mistakes in the Posts, hear it from friends/business partners.
Like I always say in my posts "I'm only Human" and I'm entitled to make mistakes. I see the mistakes and I learned!! I get it, I get it!!
I will keep it real....
BUT NOT TOO REAL!!OR GOING TO THAT NEXT STEP AS SOME WOULD SAY!!
So expect some happy posts, there will be some posts not so happy as well. But lately the Bad has outweighed the Good and that needs to change.
Keep reading Folks, Happy times are coming back.
Posted by Diesel Washington at 4:44 PM