Monday, May 15, 2006


Well its Monday, I have had the hardest week I ever had!!!! Emotionals are running very intense this week. In the matter of a Month, I have distanced myself from everybody I care about. How to put it??? I had a friend of 6yrs who was a cool motherfucker. Lets call him Red Bone, he had his issues like everybody but... I draw the line at letting ur vices fuck up our friendship. Case in point: I hang out with all types and everybody has their vice wheter it be, drugs, sex, booze, pills, women,etcc... And I dont judge, u can put a straw, pipe, cock, pussy or whatever in ur mouth. U could be drunk, stoned, etc and have ur fun... but I draw the line at letting those drugs(vices) RUN(RUIN) our time that we hangout together. If some substance u took is causing ya to act like an asshole, and cause a dent into our friendship. Then Sorry Buddy, u was a cool dude to chill with but now the vices are running ur life and that I cant be around. Sucks!!!FUCKING SUCKS!!! I knew this guy for years and hes always a partying machine. But now the party is over and he still doesnt know when to sleep, rest, get ur act together. Ashame, I really dont have many Gay friends and the ones that I do have, fall into that: Either I fucked them, Or they want me to fuck them. Period. So lately it sucks, I feel like a Cave Man, I usually stay online for hours checking email and writing emails and chatting online with online friends(most of them I have never met in real time)rather then going out and enjoying life. I dont know what it is, its not like Im famous from doing Porn(NOT YET ANYWAY)and I have the need to stay indoors. Sucks having no friends. Im an only child, I have no brothers or sisters. And was raised in a Single Parent household(mom worked 7-3, 3-11) so basically when i woke up in the morning I didnt see my mother and went to bed before she came back home. I basically raised myself. Funny when I look back at my life growing up, even as a child I didnt have very many friends. And felt more comfortable alone, so I did my own thing. Things changed in my late teens. And at this stage of my life, I can finally let Love and Emotions enter into my life. How to explain it? Life didnt revolve around me anymore and I started to let people into my life. Old friends became my tight circle of friends, and distance everybody else got. A couple of years of that and I knew it was going happen, Ur close friends change, and become dark and drama filled. I had to clean shop, clean house and let go of all the negative energy. But alas I didnt expect this: My Best Friend in the World, The guy that knew everything about me, The guy who could finish my sentences, The guy that bailed me out of jail(driving offense). I dont know what else to say?????.
Lets call him Jay, Jay is a funny, smart, well orgainzed guy. How to put it??? We was two totally different people. I tend to be more aggressive, live wire, I wear my emotions on my sleeve and speak my mind all the time. I like to shock people, cause some waves, get a reaction outta them. I step into a room, Im loud, confident, alittle cocky but u can feel me as soon as i come in. Jay is basically the same way, on a funny level though. When we are not together, I hear stories from his camp about his antics and his craziness. And he brings some of that to the table when we hangout but... he tends to be more quiet and let me rock the house or club that we are in.. We talked alot about life and wants and needs things of that nature. But lately he has been busy(Full time student). I wish him only the best things in life I really do. But when i want to hangout and u tell me ur busy all the time with finals, papers, teaching, quizzes, school school school. Im going to get sick and tired of hearing about it. I went to college already, I did the test thing final cramming at the last moment, and frankly im glad its over(for now at least but not future). To make matters worse, when he did have free time to hangout, I was overlooked for other friends. Now keep in mind, I dont have very many friends so the ones I do have I try to stay very close with. I really dont add new people into my circle, cause things happen and some people dont get along with other people so u have to choose wisely. And to be honest, I dont like his friends they are fake, pretentious, and spoiled bastards. I didnt come from money nor did i have alot of it to spend. It doesnt impress me that u have on 200 dollar jeans it really doesnt!! I rather see what u look like outta those jeans really!!! But in any case, we was tight buddies. Im leaving alot out of the story I know but.... geez we was tight friends, it hurts really does. But everything has its course, its own path, and our friendship is over. Do I want to call him and say Yo whats up man!! U want to hangout??? Fuck yes!!! Am i going to??? Nope the biggest problem we had: Sure ur in school and working ur ass off!!! But i repeat, I will not be talked down to like im crawling from under some rock somewhere. I have dreamed of doing Porn all my life and its something that I wanted to try and I did(and found out that IM GREAT AT!!) As he went further into into his schooling, he started to get more and more busy. Maybe im asking for too much???? He is trying to get his Two Masters Degrees,(I know I know). Thats schooling up the ass for ya. But... we were friends and when u put me down cause i didnt achieve that level of schooling, kinda of sucks!! No he didnt say "Hey im better than U" in those words. More like "Im Sorry I dont have have time to hangout like i used to but I have more important things to do" that smug uppity version of it. More importantly, he started to hangout with more people from his classes, so even hanging out with him and his friends was boring to me. Talk of school and classes even when ur in the bar or out to eat is bullshit. His friends are bunch of judging assholes, who spend mommy and daddies money. They have no real life experiences, and they are all a bunch of nerds who dont get laided. Bottomline. U know those guys, so book smart, well versed and preppy but dont know shit!!!. But being super smart has it drawbacks, what u gain in intelligence make u lack in other areas. Put them on the street and they are lost. Put a hot guy or girl in thier face they cant perform. Cant a make decision on the spot, without thinking about every possible outcome(so being spontaneous out the door) basically that means they are doomed to live a boring life. Now dont me wrong, I love nerds!!! I really do. Being the Life of the Party all the time is cool. But im jealous, the super smart have one thing that I long to have, Organizational Skills. Thats about it!!! Im really bad when it comes to schedules, and beng on time(but im getting better). Im yapping too much now, basically its sad that I had to let go of my Best Friend. Oh well, what can i say???? Stay around until we come to blows????(physical fight) or just agree that we have matured and we are taking two different paths now. Yeah right, the fucking guy pisses me off and if i dont stay away from him, im going to kick his ass. So there u have it. IM ALL ALONE AGAIN!!!!! LET THE STRONG SURVIVE!!!!

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