Its been a long time coming, I'm killing my own character that I created!!!! I'm so tired of it. DIESEL was created to be shocking and in Ur face!!!! He did that to the best of his ability, and it worked........alittle too well.
The character has grown out of control, it has killed my sex life, relationships and friendships. I not getting work(Cause other models are not willing to work with me)I cant date cause either people are into the character rather than the person, or just cant deal with me fucking other people on screen.
It has been an eye opening experience for me, these last couple of months. The blog has changed due to "Outside Influences" and its whole energy is different now. I was outspoken and shocking and people wanted to see that. And then I buckled under pressure, on certain stances that I made.
I'm more complex than the average person knows......yet me being unpredictable, and intimidating is starting to work against me. The more appearances I do I realize that people cant tell the difference between the Character Diesel and the person that created him(I'M STARTING TO CONFUSE MYSELF!!!) Gossip hurts and before I paided no attention to it, cause people will think what they want to think. But its creeping into my personal Life, so a change is needed!!!.
Hopefully Folsom Prison will kill my character. I wont go into details but lets say u never seen Diesel like this. Maybe now people will take me serious as a performer cause I pushed my limits like I never did before.
What is he talking about??? This is the "Editor" the man that created Diesel, talking to ya now.
Diesel is hard as nails and doesn't care about shit but fucking and making money!!!!
The "Editor" is a geek and nerd who likes to spend time traveling and watching TV(reality shows and sports). He used to collect comic books and go to comic book conventions. Hes insecure, lonely, and the kind of person that likes to be romantic and caring when hes in love. Hes mushy and the little things mean the most to him, forget about the movies and money. Respect and Consideration are the most important things to the "Editor"
Sexually the "Editor" likes all Types and Races(beauty in all)he likes to be held, kissed and his head rubbed. The "Editor" falls in love quickly, and wants to surround himself and his world around his Lover(I know its bad). The "Editor" cries at the sad part of movies or the emotional scenes of the movie.
The "Editor" snores, rolls over in his sleep, but holds onto his partner while he sleeps so tight that sometimes people say its a Vice Grip!!!.
The "Editor" doesn't like Protein shakes(but drinks them) hates Liars(really hates liars so does Diesel)
The "Editor" likes Steak hates Fish, likes pasta, and salads, hates sushi and Thai food. The "Editor" likes Cranberry juice, doesn't drink soda, likes water, hates coffee.
Most Important PLEASE READ THIS!!!!!!!! The "Editor" likes Vanilla sex(soft and gentle)likes to please his bottoms more than Please himself I REPEAT THE "EDITOR" LIKES SOFT AND GENTLE SEX TO PLEASE HIS BOTTOMS. Diesel is the selfish bastard, who only thinks about himself!!!(ITS MOVIES BRO)
I know I have said these things before but nobody is listening to me!!!! Case in point:
I was at the Parliament House for a performance. I just got off the stage and was heading to room, I spot a very attractive person standing staring at me from the side. I approached them, grabbed by the hand and led that person to my room. We talked briefly and was on the same page. We were attracted to each other and they left to change clothes and then head over to my Room, we were to spend some time talking and just hanging out getting to know each other(sex later if it happened).
After 20Min's of waiting, I left the room for food and drinks and spot the person walking in my direction, We embraced and then it happened, the worst thing possible. It was disclosed to me that they couldn't hangout with me because........
Some of the other models warned them.... that I was only into rough sex and leather and kink, and that I was too much to handle and better rethink if going to hang out with me was the best idea. I looked at them shocked and said "Who told ya that???" and the response was "I heard that from some of the other models" My response "Okay Who told ya that???? I haven't fucked any of these models at this event and none of these people know me personally or for that matter I haven't done a scene with or seen anybody of these people before today except for a Certain two who only has good things to say about me cause I have partied with them before!!!" They shook their head, and I lost the opportunity to make a new friend due to Gossip!!! It sucked even more cause the person in question then asked for number and said we should stay in touch even though I live in New York and they live in the Bible belt of the Country.
This seems to be a happening more and more at personal appearances, shows and just in clubs or bars to meet new people. That's why the "Editor" doesn't go out at all anymore cause People can be mean and fucked up.
So there u have today's Rant......... Models don't want to work with me cause of being Black, or the dick, fucking style, Height, Body Wise, etc etc etc. I cant get laid because of the Diesel Character and most of the time its the "Editor" that goes out looking to meet new people. The character is killing me so I need to Kill the character.
No not retiring or doing a Name change, I thought doing this blog and the myspace thing and Youtube would change my image a bit, its not working.
SO THERE U HAVE IT......... I'm in the state of not being able to Trust anyone!!! Gossip Gossip hurts. And the last couple of months I had some close friends stab me in the back. I recently had to move out of Apartment in New York cause of a "So called Friend"
And when I needed help some of my close friends turned their back on me. Geez I predicted that I would lose friends at the end of this Porn ride. But Fuck I only have done 7 movies in 2years I'm still a rookie. And the people are turning on me Now!!! Wow!!!
Funny part, I love the Fans and all the emails and stuff but come on, everybody is like we support ya and see what Ur trying to do and which is cool. But the next line in the email is we support ya............... to I would let ya bang my ass like u did to that kid in Ur movie bah bah bah.
So are ya my friend the "Editor"??? Or u just like the way Diesel fucks??????
Strange place to be in when everybody wants to have sex with ya, except for the models in the business, and people I want to date or fall in love with!!!!!! HMMMmm????
28 comments:
Diesel,
Okay!!..Now this is the very first time i am actually replying to any of your posts and in this case..its quite necessary..
Buddy..first of all...You really need to chill a bit..This is one of your problems..Try and not overreact dude..I mean..what did you expect with the way your image has been projected to the fans? It can be a bit difficult to seperate the two sides of diesel being that you take it a little too far..There's no such thing as no limits and you have to heed to that..Its great to be adventurous and all edgy but you gotta maintain a apt level of balance or else the public is just gonna have no choice but to accept that exaggerated facade of the diesel character..I am a fan of yours and i am really sorry that you have been betrayed in the past and you feel a little persecuted but it does come with the territory..You put on this intense image and now, its time to step back and restructure how we fans see you and in a way that will satisfy both you and us both.
Also...don't you for one second think its gonna be easy because you can blame us for holding on to all those gossip when the 'said' gossip is almost synonymous with the current image of who Diesel Washington is..Its gonna be a tough road to win that level and sense of satisfaction that you want and you may need to start from the basics and be vulnerable..as u know..seeing is believing..u can actually start by making sensual love to anyone you think you want to as of present and that will be a start..if u pass that test, then you are on ur way bro!..
I usually dont say much to comments, but this was an interesting one.
I can and will overreact, and I will tell ya why. I can understand it being hard to understand the difference between the People. But I shouldnt have to endure people that approach me aggressively in conversation. Meaning.... when I have a conversation with person, a simple convo, turns into a defensive stance, either by people trying to talk over my head(Not knowing I'm educated)or either by saying "Im not a Slut" and have more respect for myself rather than do porn "But Ur Hot when U do it" kinda of Shit. Or have their issues talking me, cause they think Im viewing them as "cattle" or an easy lay. So of course when Im nice(in person)they think Im not being genuine. Confusing to me added other problems!! I cant comfort everybody, and issues are issues. But I try to relate to people, and let down the Diesel wall but people tend to put up a wall when I approach or they approach me. So there is a Clash there!!!! I know the character is rough, so I try to be nice. But at same time, people condition themselves to talk to Diesel. Thinking I will be mean, coarse, and have attitude. So I go openminded in situation, and the other party is in instant defensive mode. People dont remember, U see me on screen and have a notion already in ur head. I never saw ya, talked to ya before so I go openminded when u already have an image in ur head of who I am!!! I will write another blog stating more
ur so sexy
Hey Diesel, you might want to check out Erik Rhodes blog. Seems as though he's having similar issues with both his personal life and porn character existing in the same universe. I guess the problem is probably exacerbated by the public appearances you have to make for your video companies. Whereas mainstream actors promote individual projects as themselves and talk about how they took on the persona of their character for that specific project, the anonymity of porn actor's true identities necessitates creating a character with a new name and the expectation that they always play that role. Since this is the primary role that the public sees, they react to the character not realizing that the person underneath the character may be completely different or that the new identity might be just a part of that person's total personality. Reconciling the two would be hard especially if one starts buying into their character. Imagine how hard it would be for Julia Roberts if she was expected to always be Erin Brockovich and people referred to her as such. The disconnect would be a lot to overcome. Anyway. Check out Erik's blog. http://erikrhodes.blogspot.com/ -D.
At first, I was going to be sarcastic and tell you how sorry I was for a guy who gets paid to eat out Matthew Rush, but I decided to take you seriously instead. I have some friends in the business. They are all creating characters to a greater or lesser extent, if they are successful. Some are black and they have the same complaints about racism that you have. There is no EEOC in the porn business,and "affinity preference" is a bitch, wherever it appears. That said, they cope with their problems in a variety of ways. A few try to separate their porno careers from their personal lives as much as possible; for instance, they don't "escort." As one likes to say, "I'd charge so much,no one could afford me." However, that also makes it possible for them to have more "down" time, when they don't have to worry about projecting the persona they create in their video or stage work. You have chosen a course that pretty well insures that you are going to have conflicts between what you imagine an ideal personal life would be and the reality of making a living with your body. (Professional boxers, wrestlers and body builders I know often have similar complaints.) If it truly makes you unhappy,change course. However, please, be aware that ordinary mortals are also often lonely and unfulfilled, of terribly conflicted, even at moments that,they think, ought to bring them happiness. You are physically strong and apparently intelligent. You will work through this rough patch. Just remember: Editors edit; they make choices.
I've never ever done this before. But, I do see a vulnerable bro who is caught up. You have to realize that the porn business is a business. Its youth oriented so physically focused on sex with multiple partners. To some extent you have to be desensitized to a higher level of sexual expression that true intimacy brings. You want to be intimate and connected to that one person who truly understands you body, spirit and soul. Yet you give your body to porn and soul to porn (not sure who you've given your spirit to)
Of course you have to deal with the celebrity of the character you have created. Believe it or not a lot of people don't envy that position and just view you as a tool or thing to get there pleasure then discard you like a used condom. That is what Diesel is a thing to be used not loved. However, the Editor wants more. Bro what you need is a plan B. The porn business already has your exit strategy (or product lifespan). There will be others to replace you so be smart and safeguard your relationships.
Porn kinda reminds me of the hip hop industry. When have you see hip hop artist older than 40 (aside from reunion shows). Yes there is a daddy/bear cub porn out there but they don't garner any demand.
Also, I see nothing wrong with stopping the role of Diesel. However, how many people by porn to say...wow I loved the script? I think the industry is more into that. Good lighting and some hot fucking is what really counts. Don't fake the orgasms.
Hey, I just happened on this site from N2itAll, looking for pix of beautiful men like yourself. I actually don't care for video porn very much, but the Titan stuff that I've seen is great, because it's all about the fantasy.
Real sex can have a touch of that, or more.
I'm in a small niche of show business, like yourself. And I, too, learned the hard way that how people see you is often something over which you have no control, but which can affect your life deeply. In your case, it's not just your success, but yes, the racial element is there, too, almost paralleling what African Americans have endured: a completely distorted view of who they are to the extent that they really couldn't LIVE, but only endure. And it takes a lot of spiritual strength (I'm not kidding) to deal with the back-stabbing of jealous colleagues. Just look at the big stars that YOU admire, and try to think about all they've had to undergo to stay true to their REAL selves - yeah, the one that is sweet, and loving and tender. I guess I think of a Patti LaBelle, or Dolly Parton. You know that they've got the scars on their backs, but they stay kind, real, big-hearted.
It's obvious from what I've read on just this one posting, that you're a real sensitive guy - which makes it all the more difficult to endure the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" (Hamlet?), and to separate what's real from unreal, what's essential from what doesn't matter.
Every star (and you ARE a star, whether you like it or not) has to find a way to deal with the fact of an image that is a total creation being taken for reality. It's not easy, and can be very destructive to a person's life. There's a sense of their life no longer being in their control. People generally don't think very deeply about such things, but you have been forced to by the circumstances of your life, and to (as Bogart says in Casablanca) "think for the both of us."
I'm not going to tell you to chill - there's an old Chinese proverb that goes: "it's hard to pet the dog while its teeth are in your leg."
The funny thing about people dissing you 'cause you do porn is that they themselves don't have the courage to do it themselves, but are going to enjoy watching it while copping an attitude that they think makes them superior - truly to be pitied.
Hang in there - SOMEONE is going to take a chance on you AS you - the real you, and let you love them real vanilla-like, sweetly, with all the mushy stuff you yearn for! That's the funny thing about sex, at least to me - it all comes down to who the person is on the INSIDE, in the long run. And it seems to me that you"re a big person being tested.
First thing: Be kind to yourself. And find something to be into that no one can touch, or criticize, something that challenges you and makes you feel accomplished.
Whoa - can you tell I wanted to be a preacher at one time? Sorry for going on and on...
OK, sermons over.
But the affection that your fans can feel for you is real - and I am a fan, too.
Peace
Bruh,
I have watched you "come up." I read your blog regularly and look forward to your posts.
This latest posting moved me to respond for the first time. What you are dealing with is what SOME 'celebrities" deal with... they put forth an image of themselves and guess what... people buy into it.
You are playing to people's fantasies. Period. It's a natural consequence that people don't make a distinction between you and 'Diesel' It's not fair to blame them. But I don't think killing off Diesel is the answer. If you truly enjoy doing porn stick with it. We enjoy you doing it.
And it's ok to change your mind and keep Diesel alive. We all change our mind. You've had the balls though to let us into your mind as you continue your journey in the porn biz.
This is the MOST vulnerable posting I have ever read from you. It moved me. So much so that if I "bumped" into you (havent literally done that but I have seen you at least 3 times here and there) I would feel very comfortable approaching you like I might approach anyone else I was interested in. Really.
You aint nothin but a big 'ol teddy bear.... just what i suspected all along. And THAT makes me like you even more!
Keep Diesel alive... and get over this crap. Aiight? (smile)
What ever happen the black pornstar Eric Hunter. It seems that Titan was trying to hype him at one point. He was the versatile, hung beefy black bald head dude. I tell you longevity in the porn business can be fleeting.
Since Obama is opening up the talk about race. What are the real issues with race an gay porn? What major funded studios will have more than a handful of black men on there roster?
Diesel,
One thing that will help is to distinguish friends from associates or work colleagues. I can remember the rude awakening I experienced when I got laid off from a job and the people I thought that were my personal friends from work turned out to cut off communications after I lost my job. I had to learn the difference and not share my soul so much with work associates and have a better vetting process for friends.
I'm a big fan of yours, and the intimidating Diesel style is kind of the hotness in it, I don't live in your head but I guess Diesel is as part of you as the Editor is. You've only let him in the spotlight. Of course a person is more than the others can read and sadly people only like one dimensional personalities like you are "a", but when you act the same with others the go all "I'm abc". You're on a tough situation, I guess you need to show some other aspects from you, specially here in the blog that is the "you" you decide to show.
Originally reading your blog I thought DID or disassociative identity disorder. Personally, I've never seen your work, but reading what you wrote, you sound like a typical multi-faceted human being who is in show business who has to create and craft a persona that you have to inhabit to maintain or further your career. In my opinion I think you should gradually experiment with making the "Diesel" character more like your authentic self, so that there is more transparency there, however some people in the business find it more comforting to have such an extreme away from their authentic selves in order to maintain privacy and a sense of harmony, "Diesel" is a caricature of black male gay masculinity, and the "Editor" is an organic authentic human being, you would think that most adult gay men would be mature enough to know that and not get lost in an image.
As long as you can tell the different motherfuck what others think, I know it's easier said than done, especially when it's people whom you thought were your friends, be thankful that you are finding out about this now, it could of being a lot worse. In closing I don't think you should destroy the this character but rather hone his persona, remember you have the control, this characters base is you.
I think there is always confusion when one creates a persona for one's self ... particularly if it's a persona to fit into a particular "ideal" image that the fans would want to see ... There is a conflict between the Diesel persona and the real persona ...
I'm glad that you are realizing what is best for YOU and not necessarily what you think the fans would want to see ... because at the end of the day ... you got to do what's best for you ...
Sorry to see you go, I had just become aware of your work. Oh well, good luck with your future endeavors.
Wow.
Mainstream/Crossover Black Gay stars have issues.
Diesel Washington,Matthew Rush,Erik Hunter,Jay Black etc.
I only purchase videos from black/latino owned companies out of New York and Atlanta.
Im sure black/latino stars like Supreme,Tiger Tyson,and Breion Diamond dont have to worry about white men accepting them in their personal or work lives.
Diesel - just wondering - if you DID ever leave porn - not saying you ARE, but IF you did... what would you do?
what are your passions? goals?
Kind of like when they ask music stars "what would you be doing right now if you didn't do music" - what kind of job/career/life would you have if you stopped porn?
just interested... u seem like a cool guy
WOW! I'm impress but your openness. I'd understand and felt your pain. I'm happy that you see what's going on 'cause now you can control it to the best of your ability. I am a fan of your work. I do see why someone would think you were rough during sex 'cause I figured Bobby Blake and Flex Deon were the same, but not the case. Your battle has been a reflection of what famous singers/actors have stated before. Their fans expecting this Superhuman but we all are just "human". We can't please everybody, but we can respect everybody.
Dear Editor,
Try hanging out in some different places..outside of the porn establishment and strip clubs so you can be treated as yourself and not as "Diesel.' Honestly, Im having a hard time myself with depression and anxiety and living in what feels like a prison. I somehow happened upon your site today as I was surfing the net. Ive never seen your movies..and you need to meet those type of people. Someone who can judge you for YOU...Im often judged because of my depression and people who dont know me thinking Im rude or aloof etc...when its actually my pain and suffering. Its hard...very hard...but you seem like you have a lot going for you so maybe take a break - and go find yourself...do it for yourself...join a recreation league , find a hobby outside the adult world and meet some people who can get to know you from scratch - & not pre-judge.
Editor,
Which comic books? Favorite artists?
I'm glad to hear there's another side.
Editor,
I normally don't comment on blogs but like everyone else has said this particular section is very interesting. I understand that the facade you portray is Diesel because thats what your fans want to see. I also understand he is just a persona you created for work and that could very well not be you when you are off the "the clock". I just wanted to say stay true to yourself. I am a fan of yours not because of what you do on screen but because of the man i see. I think you are the epitome of a black man. I believe you are a totally different person off screen i wish i could get to meet that man.
Don't you have a policy of not working with other performers
of color yourself??????
I found your videos on http://aebn.com and was amazed at your work! When I came across this blog of yours I went straight to your "The Death of Diesel Washington." I was like, "WHAT?" I just thought you were dead and freaked me out because I was like, "This guy is so hot and talented!" I saw two scenes so far from your work - Folsom Prison and Crossing the Line. And I will continue to watch more. The thing is, I did not know Diesel Washington until I came across these movies. But here's the good thing - I was into YOU and not the character. So leave the Diesel character if you want. Just continue to make more porn - and that is if you want to continue making porn. I know it must be hard being a porn actor and still lead a "normal" life outside of the industry. But you know the saying, "What only knocks us down makes us stronger." So keep your head up, fuck the industry, do your job, then find someone to come home to that loves you for you. That's all I had to say....for now : )
Dear Diesel Washington,
Umm, fuck the rest of the world!!!! The "editor" I met may be a softie at heart but he totally has the brains to realize that the world is full of so much bullshit and the balls not take it from anyone.
Since your in a business that mixes work and play try to separate the two for awhile. Live Diesel on the screen and come home and go to the rest of the world as the "editor." Isn't that the beauty of life? Essentially, we are the same person but depending on the person where with we act in different ways. Enjoy being two different types of people. Also, random note so many actors have identity crises.
And everyone deals with gossip, just remember that clearly they didn't have a parenting to teach them manners.
You did it to yourself. And you cannot say you weren't admonished.
I think you deserve everything you are getting and more. You hurt a lot of innocent people, and now you are angry because it is coming back to you.
You and Erik Rhodes are like Jay-Z.
You hype us up to think you're retiring...then you make new shit.
This is a publicity stunt.
And why you never let people comment.
You don't want yo feelings hurt? Poor baby(sarcasm).
Dear Editor....I agree with the 1st comment and your reply...I guess you are running into the problem of a public versus private persona....Its hard from this side at times to realize they both exist etc..I trust you will keep at it and we can see the real you....BTW the not liking coffee....I was reading along about the real vanilla you likes etc...tick tick tick..doesnt like coffee..crap!!!! I like Mocachinos..LOL....I have heard you guys don't get good coffee made there....Also I trust you are safe and well with the approaching storm...Rgds...Laurie you have my email from previous posts..Take Care!!!!!!
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