MY MIND PLAYING TRICKS ON ME!!

Some people have this fantasy that Porn Stars live this glorious life(Highs/Lows). But....

You see the models and they are fucking in all these glam locations with hot guys.  You read their tweets flying here and flying there, everybody is in the gym(sometimes twice)and some go as far as posting everything they eat/drink/movie/TV/book read or seen. We all understand that Porn is entertainment? Right??..

I started in porn 2005, and back then having a blog was a hit or miss.  A blog gave the porn star an outlet so that he could either Rant/Promote/Preview/Post pics etc.. A valuable tool for the porn star to be able to connect with his/her fans directly.  Who knew that would open the doors for other social networks out there such as Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram...

So came the next step part of the story...

Now more then ever people are using social networks and People are starting to get Personal!!

We all know my Blog wars, I had huge battles with Studios/Sites/models(Headaches) Classic battles played out for the media/bloggers/models everybody.  But now these bloggers/models are hitting harder than ever! Everything is Ups for grabs in the entertainment world, Emails/Footage/Tweets/Status updates/Gossip/Rumors everything is being talked about in some form some how..

Every dirty detail is just layed out there right for you...

When is it going Over the Top?? I mean I have read blog posts where actual bloggers will use a persons real name post their pics, undercover cameras and all(Theft Vid). I mean it wasn't that long ago when people started outing each others HIV status online, its a fucking jungle out there.  By no means am I an angel...I have done my "Dirty Shit" before

 Have I ever threatened to post some Assholes pic on my blog and call him out in a good READ. Oh HELL YES!!

9 times out of 10 I would never do something like that...

Moving on!!

Anyway, What I'm trying to say that Motherfuckers are playing dirty out there.  You can OBSERVE and REPORT all you want! I encourage it, all you are doing is just proving my point that your a DICKRIDER!! I created alot of stars in my days, by battling someone on Twitter or through a Blog, I made other motherfuckers who are not worthy of attention, Get it.  To this day I have this little "Nat" on Me that keeps flying around Me.  They see Me out at a party, and the (Sad part) was I didn't see them because if I did I would have "Talked to him" but now this is where the story gets strange.

This same person has to write a blog about Me at some party, like he is some reporter on a story. If your at a party, "Why are you paying so much attention to Me??" It's a party, go talk mingle around have some drinks, go into the backroom, DO YOU! Yet after reading his post, he spent the entire time at the party watching Me. I don't get it? If you do not like Me then why watch Me? Secretly in love with Me maybe? He is trash not even going to say his name.  Anyway....

This leads Me to my post "My Mind Playing Tricks On Me"  I write alot about being paranoid and always having people watch Me.  You would think I get off on having people watch Me since I am a porn star but I keep telling people..I'm that Socially Awkward type of guy and porn has made Me alittle paranoid.

Besides people following Me to the bathroom or the daily stares on the train, and having guys stalk on you on the street and then email from an anonymous sender "Telling you that they saw you on the street, wearing bah bah, talking to bah bah, eating bah bah and what time of day it is.  Alittle creepy! I'm somewhat used to it....

I have to keep telling my brain that I'm in the public eye(Everywhere I go)I'm a humble dude, I walk with purpose and get to where I need to go.  I don't work a room or try to be flashy, I simply be Me. Even if I get the stare like, "Oh shit!! its..." I give the head nod and keep it moving.

 FYI starting a Convo by saying "I have jerked off to your movies" is not a good look on a crowded RUSH HOUR train.

I had to learn how to prepare myself for this:

I have learned in the past that having drink after drink after drink might make you THINK you seem cool. But your just a Hot Drunk Mess!! My first years in porn I used the booze to calm my nerves at events and that just caused problems for Me. Bottomline  I'm not a drinker and using the booze to loosen up does not work well on Me..feed Me booze and I want to take a nap.  So I stick to Pot these days(No the pot is not making Me paranoid HAHA)!!

More of a Homebody now, if I go out its to get to the place(House party/Club/Bar/Outing) show my face say "Hello" and then leave. However...If there is a goodlooking bunch of people over there, I might stay alittle longer and talk some shit(mingle)with the people. So I don't do the whole Club scene from city to city like some models. When I go to the club, it's either with friends or when I go bymyself its just to hear the music, "Quick Pick Up" and I'm Out!....

You just have to be nice at all times and stay humble, I realize that when you run into someone you recognize from porn you want to run up like seeing an "Old Friend"but do you realize..This model has never met you, doesn't know why you approaching him so aggressively so remember that when you see your favorite model out there. Start with an ole fashioned "Hello my name is..."

It works!

Now the hard part, how to manage your brand through social networking??  Wheter you  Personality/Model/Site/Studio everything you Tweet/Update/Status/Tumblr/Instagram is for the judging eyes of everyone!! How to handle it??

Simple....JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!

If I have a TwitterMelt Down!! Oh well....

Blog War? It happens

If I start trashing commentors on other blogs....So be it!

I will go on the Forums(Old school) and fight for my cause.

Why?? I simply do not give a fly fuck!!

I am not a role model, I do porn and I'm a human being who is flawed and makes mistakes.  At the same time if "Little Wayne" was to say Vote for Mitt Romney, would I listen to him as a "Role model" or something? I can do good deeds but I do not want the pressure of having to be a Role model to anybody. However I like to think I INSPIRED some people....

Getting off topic..

The paranoia sometimes becomes overwhelming, and I need a break to catch my wind.  My paranoia is Justified, literally I am being watched. The paranioa is that people are watching everything I do Outside of porn. When am I allowed to resume a normal life again?? The sad truth is that I can Never go back to having a normal life and knowing that fact is sometimes hard to swallow(no pun intended) When you become a Vet, people expect you to just disappear or to use the phrase "Bow Out gracefully" and go where?? I can retire from performing, but my scenes will last forever!! That was the point of it all, to make a project that will stand the test of time, so there is no turning the hand of time back. I had to learn how to embrace it, that and the increasing paranioa that comes along with it. People are going to watch you regardless, in this field of work, I have to accept that and deal with it.

How to explain the paranoia? Some people seem right at home leaving windows/shades/blinds open for public viewing. I walk around Manhattan and everyday you can see right into an apartment and see people sitting on couch watching TV or in the kitchen making something to eat.

At my house, I keep the blinds/shades down and my windows locked, even though I live in a nice area.  When I go to sleep I shut my bedroom door and lock it for no reason. I always sit facing the entrance of any place that I eat at, and as soon I walk into a place I carefully note where all the fire exits are and or any window leading to the street in case of a quick getaway. Even worse I always size up the people in a place, thinking of the quickest exit and whom I might have to push/tackle/move out of my way to leave.


Anyway a glimpse inside the mind of Bi polar...

To wrap this up, FUCK YOU TO THE BLOGGER

Now there is a reason why I so feel so paranoid cause Dirty Sluts always keep watching Me..