PROGRESS REPORT 1

Yeah so things are shakey...


"Petey" and I are on speaking terms now and even cracked a few jokes with each other. I will take that right about now, I know I fucked up and I'm seeing the future of how to handle myself correctly...

This is just a set back and that is all, I will fight to get back "Petey" so only time will tell.

What have I learned from this??

Like I said before I do not lie, and the first time I decided to lie to the person I loved it cost me big time. Lesson learned!!! When I came into the relationship with my heart on my sleeve it was like magic. I spoke from the heart and kept open communication with "Petey" the minute I slipped and broke my rule of not lieing bad things happened and they happened for a reason because I put out negative energy instead of good energy.

It sounds alittle sappy but I believe in the whole Good and Bad energy thing. If you keep putting out good energy, people will be attracted to you because Good energy is sexy and enticing. Bad energy nobody wants to be around and insightful can pick up on people who bring negative energy into a situation.

So I learned that I control my path and future(I always knew that forget it recently) the ground work I lay down molds my future and the people around Me. I'm a natural leader and people follow my lead all the time. If my head is not right how can I expect people to follow Me if I have no confidence in myself. In order to stay "Real" I have to admit my mistakes, correct them and move on.

This thing with "Petey" is far from over, We both texted each other despite having a falling out. So something is there, I have to be the one that gets his head right and gets back into the fight to reclaim "Petey" back.

As everything goes in life, the harder you work the more rewards you will see in the end. Sure the timing was not right this time around, but who says I have to give up. I told "Petey" that I will never give up trying to fix the situation he laughs and goes "OMG" well see...

That is good enough for Me..

Oddly enough "Petey" gave Me his blessing for this weekend and told Me to have a good time. His exact words???

"Have a safe flight out to chicago and have some good ole diesel fun out there too, I've had u wound up lately, relax"

This relationship was built by two people.....


Did anybody notice I didn't talk about the "Issues" "Petey" had, or that I didnt try to place blame on "Petey"??? Not going to play the Victim this time around. I was the one in charge of this relationship, if I can't set the good example for him to follow, then I do not deserve for anybody to follow Me.

In some ways I played a hypocrite, I should have practiced what I preached(No lieing)the minute I strayed away from setting the example it came back to bite me in the ass.

First step was reconnecting with "Petey" and clearing the air

Second step rebuild friendship

Third step Earn back his trust

Final step start over on the right path, only this time resist the evils of Hot ass, on random strangers..

Which is hard, it was like I was fishing, and the fish jumped in the boat, scaled itself, dipped itself in butter, jumped in frying pan and put a sign on itself saying eat Me.

This time around I will learn to respect myself and live the life I want to lead. Its not hard because I choose my own path and direction I want in life. Nobody controls Me and I'm a big boy who can make decisions for myself.

Back on the right path again...


It took my brother Roy Jones, to enlighten me again about having Knowledge of Self. I'm a smart dude and I know alot of things, I let myself down this time around, but I'm only human. I'm not going to repeat this cycle again, I should have known better.

Now I know and I will march forward again, you can not stop forward motion of a fighter. You can only get out of the way because I'm coming through.

Anyway heading to Chi town and not carrying any negative energy with Me, I'm only putting out Good energy this time around and watch how many people will follow Me knowing that I control my own future...

NAKED TRUTH

This is not about "Diesel Washington" the character/blogger/personality, so if you want to hear about "Diesel" not the post for you. You have been warned!!

GO TO ANOTHER PORN STAR BLOG
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The only way I learned how to express myself without talking to someone(professionally)is by venting on a personal level on the Internet. It's weird but venting openly on my blog makes Me feel slightly better. It's like I'm confessing my Sins, and yes I'm telling the whole world what I'm thinking or feeling. But Who gives a Shit right?? * Sigh

Now I could sit here and feel miserable about What has happened(I have done that already)or I could think "What the fuck is wrong with Me??" Yeah what is wrong with Me????

I longed for a loving relationship, and I got it. It was so fun being with someone and having the long nights of cuddling and talking and watching TV. I really didn't think much of the first weeks with "Petey" We were hanging out. I kept doing what made Me happy, I was hooking up with people for that immediate attention(cause lack of intimacy) while I was sorting out what was going on between Us. I was selfish at first because I really didn't think a relationship would work between Us. Call it low self esteem or whatever, I didn't think I deserved LOVE.

My brain was conditioned to be a Porn Star and a Whore, that is the honest truth. I worked a business where some(Not all) people didn't care about your opinions, they only wanted you to look good in front of the camera and perform to the best of your ability and bust that load or money shot. My brain is conditioned to walk around naked in a crowded room and there is nothing wrong with that. That is the work I do, I'm an Adult Entertainer!!

I'm not playing the Victim, I know that I fucked up this relationship by not keeping my dick in my pants. When the relationship got rocky, I retreated back into that Whore/Slut because that is all I have known for the past six years. Its sad I admit it!! Sex is my weapon of choice, when I'm angry I look for ass to bang hard and a bottom to treat like shit, just for a moment to get out the anger. When I'm lonely I look for a piece of ass to fuck for the night and get that false sense of intimacy. I know that I have my "Issues" with Sex...

I was a dumbass, instead of waiting it out to see the direction of the relationship. I got greedy and was "Doing Me", to my surprise while I kept "Doing Me" my feelings were starting to grow more and more for "Petey". Before long I fell for him, and I had a trail of "Fuck and Chucks" under my belt. Things got real rocky when I went to Palm Springs, long story short We broke up while I was in Palm Springs, then talked and decided We love each other....

OMG!!! The word LOVE came out of my mouth, I was the first one to say it!! There I was vulnerable and completely naked in front of him, all my emotions on the table!! He told Me he loved me back!! WHAT??? The moment I waited for so long....

Someone I love, Loves Me back.....

We get into another fight, words are exchanged!!He tells me to get out of his house and "We are done!!" this is about the 3rd We broke up!! Only this time MEAN words are said by him, and I dont want to get into details but nevertheless I was an emotional wreck. We talked and things were back on track yet again.

But this time around He hurt Me badly, I carried that anger with Me back home. In a childish and immature moment I got online and I fucked some boy just to make myself feel better. "Petey" found my trail online and called Me on the phone, We had huge fight!! And its over!!


I look back to the events in our relationship, and I can see where I went wrong. I wont play the Victim, I fucked up!! To Me it was meaningless sex, I don't even remember the name of the boy I fucked. All I remember is the night before I was in my Lovers arms sleeping soundly and waking up to his face in the morning. I remember "Waking and Baking" with my lover when I get up. I remember sleeping and my Lover was rubbing my head(to help Me to sleep)I remember his smell, touch, the feelings he gave Me when it was "Right" between Us.

I fucked up!! I do love "Petey"

Am I willing to fight for him?? Damn right!! But he is a Capricorn and those under that sign are very very hard to get through. Right now his anger is taking over!! All I get is name calling and cursing Me out(and I deserve it)not sure what I can do at this point...

I have a trip to Grabbys, I don't know if I want to go now. All the plane tickets and hotel arrangements are paid for and now I don't even want to go...

If I go I will probably stay half the time in the room, just replaying the events of my life in the past week over and over. A fake smile on my face, avoiding people to the best of my ability or even worse. I will go and BE THE WHORE/SLUT times ten!!

Being a Porn Star/Whore/Slut is what I know best....

To some I live the High Life!!

I remember "Petey" telling me "If you stay with Me I will make you Miserable" (he was having a moment) I said to him "I'm miserable already, so at least this time I have someone to be miserable with"

Now I don't have even that....

I'm not placing blame on the Industry, and I'm not playing the Victim!! I hate what I became....

But the show goes on!! Nobody wants to hear me Bitch or Whine!!

It's all about the Cock and Body and Sex!!!

It's the only thing I'm Good at!!!



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I didn't write this post for attention, or for people to feel sorry for Me. I'm a big boy that made mistakes. I have nobody to talk to about my feelings, so I get online and write an entry on my blog to help me cope with my feelings. Say what you want...

I could give a shit right now!!

AND JUST LIKE THAT, "PETEY" GONE!!

Long story short.....


I no longer have a BF/Lover/partner...

I fucked up the relationship by lieing and cheating on "Petey". I broke one of my own rules, and now I feel like SHIT!! I don't deserve to be in a relationship with anybody...

I took something that was so special and just shitted it away.....

We bought plane tickets, reserved hotel rooms, and was going to plan out the trip to the Grabbys. Then my past came back to haunt Me and "Petey"(being a detective) signed into my Adam4adam/hotmail and started looking around and Bam! He finds out that I cheated on him numerous times(I'M A DIRTY WHORE).

Its my own fault, I played an immature game and broke my own rules for conducting yourself. No lies and being Str8up!!

What hurts more??

Finding out after the fact, that the person you cheated on was the RIGHT person for you. At first I didn't think "Petey" would be into Me for a relationship. He's 16years younger than Me, wealthy, well educated, good looking, and He has the world by the BALLZ.

I went with the flow, never guessing that We would fall in love with each other down the road. By the time I realized I loved this man, it was too late and the damage was done already. So I lied to cover my tracks(bad idea)I'm a horrible liar...

When he confronted Me with the info, I couldn't lie my way out. I was caught dead to rights and had to face the music...


So back to being single....

*Cue the downward spiral music, its going to get ugly!!


If ur reading this "Petey" I do and still do LOVE YOU!!

I'm sorry for the bullshit!!

BLATINO EROTIC AWARDS

So I'm alittle late with this post about the Blatino Erotic Awards...

First off the bat, I want to give a Huge Shoutout to Joe Hawkins for running such a great event. I had an amazing time and everybody was so friendly and welcoming. Also shout out to Stan(backbone for models)he made sure I was well taken care of and I had a great time.

As all events I have to give you the "Run Down" on all the things that were going on. Well I arrive to Palm Springs and meet Stan(handles the models)and We go over to the hotel and check in.

I also had the chance to network abit and just see what opportunities were available. More on that soon...

When I do events I go in with a game plan:

I talk to my fans

Avoid jealous models

Avoid the drunk/drugged up messes

Hit the Dance Floor with alot of power!!


Before I even left for the trip I was mentally prepared for handling the unknown and know:

KNOWN:

Some people are not going to be happy with Me, they will either consider Me a Sell Out or Unlce Tom and that is without even meeting Me(Part of Job). Some people will say I'm a "White boy Chaser" and that I suffer from self hatred for my own race kinda of bullshit!!...

Young Up and Cummers!! Just sit and watch you and study you, looking for flaws trying to find "Holes in you Armor" I'm wise to that game.

I'm already prejudged to have an attitude, or some bullshit notion that I look down on other models of other genres of gay porn(except bareback porn which I frown upon)which is crazy!!

The bullshit idea that I only work with white models(Getting old)

Just crazy ideas like these I know will come my way, but I was prepared for that. In person I'm friendly, polite, and I answer all questions in front of Me. But be warned if you come at Me with attitude, u shall receive attitude in return. I'm not there to be grilled or put under some spotlight or microscope. I'm a model/entertainer I do adult films, so if you come at Me with all this analyzing bullshit I will simple "Kick Rocks" and go some where the air isn't as cold as that Popsicle stick up your ass!!

And the Unknown:

Just stupid shit that happens when you do events sometimes, you have to be on your game at all times!!


I stayed to myself the entire weekend, I went to every event and danced and mingled with fans. But I didn't interact with many of models when I was out there. I was doing my own thing, most people probably thought I was a loner or quiet.But the reason answer is..... I'm seeing someone(Love ya Petey), so I don't need to go out or room hop(dirty boys)or carry on at the clubs trying to bring someone back to the hotel room.

The event itself was......


Great!!

It started with the White Party, some fine Black men dressed in white taking over the whole hotel(Classic). A couple of speeches and special awards given out. There was a poetry reading, and special congrats to individuals(HIV awareness, trendsetters)and I have to admit I was TOUCHED!!

Then there was the after party at this special location(go go boys, kinky sets)I danced my ass off...

I go to alot of industry/event parties and the music is always So So. At mainstream parties the music is usually, Lady Gaga, Britney, Christina bah bah and some house thrown in...

Blatino Oasis??? That music is pumping!!I was jamming all night long, hit after hit and it was so refreshing to hear some Hip Hop/RB mixed in with Old school house music and some tribal thrown in. Hands down!! I was moving on that dance floor.

Anyway moving on....


It's awards day, and I get a call from "Petey" long story short, We were on the edge of breaking up!! Emotions ran crazy!! We retreated back in our own separate corners(Him in Brooklyn, Me in Palm Springs)at the same time. I had to receive an award at the same time so needless to say I was crushed that day, and had to put on a fake smile the entire day. I was low key at the Blatino Erotic awards, I stayed in VIP and just got my thoughts together.

When my name was called to receive my award, the crowd was a mixed bag of emotions. I saw this and immediately grabbed the mike and said...

"Thanks for inviting Me to this event, by the response some people like Me and some people don't. All I can say is that I'm model like everybody else, I'm an actor in adult movies and I'm paid to pay a role on film. I came into mainstream(Titan, Falcon)just to give mainstream more color, I used to be like everybody else and say "How come there are not more Black guys in Mainstream porn??" Instead of complaining about it, I put in an application and tried to change the problem from within. All I can say... but thanks for inviting Me and Let's have some fun.

I walked to get my award and then walked through the crowd. Reactions were different when I walked in the crowd, alot of people were showing Me love. I wasn't there to back down from any questions, I was there to have a good time and get my award. I took picture after picture with fans, shook hands, networked and flashed that fake smile(even though I was feeling like shit)People probably thought I was a snob because I didn't want to go to the Sex show(I do porn why go?)And I was not in any mood to be around other models playing to the Press!! I don't run around getting pictures of all the models at events. I bring my own camera and take pics and anybody that wants to use pictures I took of them(some models ask Me to take their pictures because they know its going on the blog)I'm more than happy to lend out a helping hand. Back to Blatino Erotic Awards there was a live sex show in the back(in garden)contrary to rumors on Twitter, the only reason why I didn't get on the action was I was not being paid to be an Actor or model. I was at the event to receive an award, so all those bullshit Twitter rumors, are just that RUMORS!! I didn't talk to anybody and I kept to myself(like I do at all events)

I say it on my blog all the time, when I go to events I'm quiet as hell and keep to myself. I'm not that porn star that has to work a room and introduce yourself to everybody.


No offense to other porn stars out there, chances are if you have to introduce yourself as a porn star, your not doing your job well enough....

Anyway.....

After the awards, I set up camp in the lobby of the hotel. I set up my computer and sat in the lobby and answered question after question from curious minds. I have nothing to hide and I'm direct and frank with the fans.

Are you only into White guys???

Diesel: I'm into all races and all types why limit yourself??

You only film with White guys??

Diesel: No I film with all races, on the outside it looks like I only film with white males. But the reality is that I'm given an opportunity to make a pay check and I'm not the casting director. The Studio/Site tells Me who my scene partner is and I decide wheter to take the part or not. Why turn down a pay check?? My sexual preferences do not come into play when filming scenes, I'm willing to work with anybody..


Are you willing to work other black models?

Diesel: Of course, a role is a role. I do draw the line at doing scenes that are "Thug themed" I'm not a Thug!

Why don't fans see you more at "Black" events??

Diesel: Alot of the events that I blog about I'm invited to go, or I'm nominated for something!! If I'm nominated for an award, You better believe I'm going to see if I win or lose. I do personal appearances where I'm paid to be there. And I go to some Pride events(NYC, Philly) because they are local. I can't afford to go to all the events(Flights, Hotel, food)so unless I'm sponsored or paid to be there chances are that I'm not going unless there is an Important reason that I need to be there.

Not being stuck up!! But just being honest....


After all the headaches of the day,I got back to my hotel room and had a long talk with "Petey" on the phone, our relationship was getting to a point of no return. Point of no return meaning that We needed to get to that next stage of our relationship. "Petey" is my BF now....


My BF....

Whoa!! I do love "Petey".....I fell for him on day 1.

To my surprise....

He told Me "I Love you as well...I do" "I love you"

There I was in Palm Springs, after having an emotional break down, walking around with a fake smile on my face, being depressed. I went a whole other direction and wanted to party my ass off after hearing the news..

So I was an emotional mess at Blatino Awards(but people didn't see Me sweat!!)And I now have a BF WOW!!

Again I had an amazing time, and look forward to next year!!

I HAVE TO KEEP YOU GUYS UP TO DATE!!

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HELLO PEOPLE BEEN A LONG TIME!!

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"PETEY" PHOTOGRAPHY PART 2

Another weekend passes..


I was hanging out with "Petey" again this past weekend and it was a busy one!! Alot of stuff happening nowadays and just trying to keep my head above water. Apartment hunting with "Petey" has been heartbreaking...


We went to a great apartment in Bklyn(across the bridge)and it was the Dream apartment for "Petey". Long story short, We didn't get the apartment and it was alittle disappointing to us.

I really felt for "Petey" I think he really wanted the place, but it was cool to see "Petey" obsessed over losing the apartment. In alot of ways I thought We were complete opposites, funny to see that he has the same reaction when it comes to losing something that YOU WANT so bad!!

Anyway, I have to pick up my head sometimes and say "How time flies?" I have been with "Petey" for 8 weeks now!! Now that might not be a long time to normal people, but 8 weeks is like 8 years in a gay porn star timeline.

So things are going well..

Moving on..

The workout is going well, and I'm getting ready for events next week and the week after that. Its going to be a busy month people

Stay tuned!!