Wednesday, May 25, 2011


This is not about "Diesel Washington" the character/blogger/personality, so if you want to hear about "Diesel" not the post for you. You have been warned!!


The only way I learned how to express myself without talking to someone(professionally)is by venting on a personal level on the Internet. It's weird but venting openly on my blog makes Me feel slightly better. It's like I'm confessing my Sins, and yes I'm telling the whole world what I'm thinking or feeling. But Who gives a Shit right?? * Sigh

Now I could sit here and feel miserable about What has happened(I have done that already)or I could think "What the fuck is wrong with Me??" Yeah what is wrong with Me????

I longed for a loving relationship, and I got it. It was so fun being with someone and having the long nights of cuddling and talking and watching TV. I really didn't think much of the first weeks with "Petey" We were hanging out. I kept doing what made Me happy, I was hooking up with people for that immediate attention(cause lack of intimacy) while I was sorting out what was going on between Us. I was selfish at first because I really didn't think a relationship would work between Us. Call it low self esteem or whatever, I didn't think I deserved LOVE.

My brain was conditioned to be a Porn Star and a Whore, that is the honest truth. I worked a business where some(Not all) people didn't care about your opinions, they only wanted you to look good in front of the camera and perform to the best of your ability and bust that load or money shot. My brain is conditioned to walk around naked in a crowded room and there is nothing wrong with that. That is the work I do, I'm an Adult Entertainer!!

I'm not playing the Victim, I know that I fucked up this relationship by not keeping my dick in my pants. When the relationship got rocky, I retreated back into that Whore/Slut because that is all I have known for the past six years. Its sad I admit it!! Sex is my weapon of choice, when I'm angry I look for ass to bang hard and a bottom to treat like shit, just for a moment to get out the anger. When I'm lonely I look for a piece of ass to fuck for the night and get that false sense of intimacy. I know that I have my "Issues" with Sex...

I was a dumbass, instead of waiting it out to see the direction of the relationship. I got greedy and was "Doing Me", to my surprise while I kept "Doing Me" my feelings were starting to grow more and more for "Petey". Before long I fell for him, and I had a trail of "Fuck and Chucks" under my belt. Things got real rocky when I went to Palm Springs, long story short We broke up while I was in Palm Springs, then talked and decided We love each other....

OMG!!! The word LOVE came out of my mouth, I was the first one to say it!! There I was vulnerable and completely naked in front of him, all my emotions on the table!! He told Me he loved me back!! WHAT??? The moment I waited for so long....

Someone I love, Loves Me back.....

We get into another fight, words are exchanged!!He tells me to get out of his house and "We are done!!" this is about the 3rd We broke up!! Only this time MEAN words are said by him, and I dont want to get into details but nevertheless I was an emotional wreck. We talked and things were back on track yet again.

But this time around He hurt Me badly, I carried that anger with Me back home. In a childish and immature moment I got online and I fucked some boy just to make myself feel better. "Petey" found my trail online and called Me on the phone, We had huge fight!! And its over!!

I look back to the events in our relationship, and I can see where I went wrong. I wont play the Victim, I fucked up!! To Me it was meaningless sex, I don't even remember the name of the boy I fucked. All I remember is the night before I was in my Lovers arms sleeping soundly and waking up to his face in the morning. I remember "Waking and Baking" with my lover when I get up. I remember sleeping and my Lover was rubbing my head(to help Me to sleep)I remember his smell, touch, the feelings he gave Me when it was "Right" between Us.

I fucked up!! I do love "Petey"

Am I willing to fight for him?? Damn right!! But he is a Capricorn and those under that sign are very very hard to get through. Right now his anger is taking over!! All I get is name calling and cursing Me out(and I deserve it)not sure what I can do at this point...

I have a trip to Grabbys, I don't know if I want to go now. All the plane tickets and hotel arrangements are paid for and now I don't even want to go...

If I go I will probably stay half the time in the room, just replaying the events of my life in the past week over and over. A fake smile on my face, avoiding people to the best of my ability or even worse. I will go and BE THE WHORE/SLUT times ten!!

Being a Porn Star/Whore/Slut is what I know best....

To some I live the High Life!!

I remember "Petey" telling me "If you stay with Me I will make you Miserable" (he was having a moment) I said to him "I'm miserable already, so at least this time I have someone to be miserable with"

Now I don't have even that....

I'm not placing blame on the Industry, and I'm not playing the Victim!! I hate what I became....

But the show goes on!! Nobody wants to hear me Bitch or Whine!!

It's all about the Cock and Body and Sex!!!

It's the only thing I'm Good at!!!


I didn't write this post for attention, or for people to feel sorry for Me. I'm a big boy that made mistakes. I have nobody to talk to about my feelings, so I get online and write an entry on my blog to help me cope with my feelings. Say what you want...

I could give a shit right now!!


Anonymous said...

don't feel so bad about being single ...lovers come and go ...get a few good friends, a pet and enjoy your life .be happy with yourself..thats all that matters

Anonymous said...

It takes a big person to say he or she is wrong I respect that and I know a few Aries who have a problem with saying the truth (my father) I enjoy reading you blog Your blog fan VLG

Anonymous said...

It takes a big person to say he or she is wrong I respect that and I know a few Aries who have a problem with saying the truth (my father) I enjoy reading you blog Your blog fan VLG

Anonymous said...

Ps I hope things work out

Anonymous said...

Dear Diesel, first, I very much regret the time you're going through, but in a relationship is not one fault, the fault of both and each of you has some of the blame for the situation that has arrived.
Dude, all human beings are complicated one way or another, either by our upbringing, our acquired habits, our phobias or our whims.
Question: you fucked up the relationship?
Perhaps, but as I said before, a couple is composed of two people and guilt, not only relies on one of the two members, the blame is shared.
I'm not going to lecture you, I'm not the one to do that, I'm not going to tell you to do, since you're old enough to know what is right and what not. But I can tell you this: you're going to do to fix this?
And I do not mean the relationship with Petey, I mean how you gonna fix what you consider failures. You learned something from this? or just take it as is normal for you.
Please friend, I consider you an intelligent person, a person who has gotten where it is and I do not mean your career, but how you as a person who has fallen and been rebuilt, your blog has turned many times as you've put the chest to the bullets and you have always come forward. You're going to say that this trip will be your downfall?
So ... you the fucked up .... and you're not going to do anything to remedy this?
You talk about your sign, Aries, a fire sign, momentum, strong, powerful, and now you're going to fall .... no sir, no way.
Dude, any problems in the life of a human being has a possible solution, obviously some solutions have their conditions, but nothing is impossible to solve, except ... death.
The answer to your problems are inside you and not only you can fix this, and only you can do if you take the bull by the horns, this means, if you can conquer yourself.
My grandmother used to say to me: "I do not give advice, because the intelligent, not need, and the jerks do not accept."
You are an intelligent person, you know inside you their attitudes must change and that solutions must be applied.
You're going to solve this problem, it will not be solved in the overnight and will not be easy, but will be fixed, maybe not the way you want, but the way to be solved.
I send a big hug and the distance you send my best wishes for them to put everything right and fast.

Adrian from Buenos Aires.

Ray Avito said...

I understand you were venting here and sometimes that leads us to entertain the fringe elements of our mind telling us bad things, but hearing you say that you are just cock, body, and sex was painful. I fully trust that you can't believe that and it was heat of the moment.

Brad said...

I really understood where you are coming from with this post. I don't really read your blog that often and have seen a couple of your movies, but I understand the mindset that most of the fans of yours have: that you get to have all the sex you want and live this "amazing" life, when all you really want is love as well. I completely understand how difficult that must be for you. I hope all things work out with you and "Petey" and that things start to improve for you. And I hope everything else goes well in your life as well. Hope these words helped you in some way and hope to hear back from you soon!