Okay I get back to the house...
Now I will be honest I'm back at the House in the Hot Tub with Jason Crew and another model(Cuddle Buddy)there are burning bushes all round(LOL)so after hanging out, Jason gets ready to leave(Love you Jason Crew)Let Me say this!! I will be honest, I had a crush on Jason Crew a long long time ago....He has those eyes that look right through you!! And let's not talk about his dick(Whoa!!)I wanted to fuck him right there and then but.........
For one thing, Jason has work tomorrow and I know myself, that guy would be worn out and used hard making "Working" almost next to impossible, so this was not the place or time. Secondly, I was with my "Cuddle Buddy" and I really wanted to spend the night with My "Cuddle Buddy"
"Cuddle Buddy"????Speaking from the heart.....I really liked this model. I met them before in Fort Lauderdale and they were having a hard time and Life seemed to suck for them(at the time)and I cared about them, Nobody can predict when someone comes into their life and they have a profound Impact on you, this person had that effect on Me. Since my last visit to Fort Lauderdale, I often think about this person daily, wondering if they are okay??? Getting their Act together??? How is life treating them???
So being able to see this person was a great time for Me, they were healthy, busy with work and getting their life back in order. What more could I ask for????
Well things started to go downhill the next morning. What do you do when someone U like, isn't in the mental state of having a Healthy relationship(The both of Us)?? On top of that, What do you do when they have had sex with mutual friends(onscreen and Off)I can be a jealous motherfucker some times. What do you do when U live in different states???
While I was in NYC thinking about them(Safety and Health), they were looking for an excuse to leave reality(Drugs, being a slut)!! BUT THAT HAS CHANGED(I hope)!!!But they still have so much work to do. Back to the story..
I woke up in the morning feeling so connected with this person, but at the same time disconnected, Where can this thing lead to?? I prepared myself for "just enjoying the time" that I was able to spend with "Cuddle Buddy", but I caught myself looking into their eyes. Evil!!Evil!!! I must be getting soft nowadays(good thing). It's like U want to help that little bird with the broken wings, U know??? take care of it and fix their wings so they can fly sort of thing. I know sounds mushy!! Moving on...
Why vent about this???? Now I know how to play it cool(sometimes LOL).....so the entire time out in Fort Lauderdale, I could see the look on people's faces when I was around my "Cuddle Buddy". The Look of "What do you see in that person, that I don't???" I know I know, He is Mental, Nuts, a slut, He makes no sense at times, self destructive, alittle off centered!!!! BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I????? so I can relate to being a Mess!!!
But I can see deeper into his head, and He has such a passion for his dream(I won't say)!! I find that so attractive!! It's all about Passion!! Lock on to your dream and go full steam!!! Being a Porn star was my dream(One of them)and I'm going stronger than ever. We have the love of the crowd, performing and being in that spotlight, We give up Our bodies and sometimes We get banged up!! Scarred and Beat down!! But We keep getting up everytime, ready for more!!!
Besides having a strong physical attraction to him, We have alot of similar interests. Hard to find people that like M.A.S.H(favorite TV show), even harder finding a person that is crazy like urself, alittle mentally unstable bah bah. I told myself not to get too comfortable around them, my interest in him would go to far. I would leave the room when I had that feeling of a connection growing, leaving Him to sit and wonder what is wrong??? I had to protect myself, which sounds selfish yet again, but I do. I have been hurt over and over and over...
I am Bi polar, and he suffers from ADHD(Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder)so the attraction goes even deeper..... On my side of things, His short attention span, restlessness and running around like a wild man, does make sense to Me. But on the other side of the coin, I can see the quiet side of him that is lost in thought, daydreaming and it might seem like We are disconnected(I can totally relate)We both become lost in the head, so many thoughts running around. If ur not Bi polar, its hard to describe what is going through Our heads at the time. It's all processed Information, jumping between memories, goals, wishs, people u have seen or met, just alot of ideas running through your head, all awhile 15mins have passed and Ur still sitting there. He hasn't learned to channel yet..
I learned how to channel my thoughts and energy to make it work for Me finally(at 35)....Depression comes and goes still...but I have learned how to ride that wave. We have the same problem, so there is comfort in knowing that someone else has the same problems I have. He started drinking and drugging to help that mental issue but that is not the solution and He realizes this.
Can two damaged people hangout more than a sex thing???
I see myself as that person who is looking for Love, afraid to put his heart out to people, and the biggest problem.......Caring for People too much, and when it's not being supplied back in the same amount, I become depressed and feel unwanted. I didn't want to put myself in this situation, so I didn't.
This time around, I see that U have alot of people rooting for you to become successful. Ur surrounded by people who have Ur best interest at heart, and I'm happy for you!!
Myself...??? I come back to NYC happy that U are safe!!and surrounded by healthy people. But Who thinks about my safety???? Who worries about Me??? Sigh!!
Yeah sure...... I'm this Big Muscle guy who on the outside, it seems nothing can touch or hurt Me. But when the cameras are away and I'm all by myself..
I will cut this short........Evil Boy!!, Ur special to Me!!!! Continued Success to you!!!
So for the rest of the morning I was mean and nasty to Andrew!! Just because I liked him so much and I was not about to get hurt. Things were said!!! I regret that now!!
Life is never easy....
I have a hard time leaving people I care about...... so when I know I have to leave instead of the tears, Oh Damn!!! that I have to go. I got nasty with you so I don't have to feel the pain of sadness when I leave. So I purposely caused a fight so instead of feeling sadness all I would feel is anger. It's childish behavior I know but I have to think about myself(Selfish thinking Yes but being honest)...... for one time in my life, instead of worrying about someone else.
I'm sure people will tell you about my post, so there U have the truth!!
Yikes this was a deep post!!