Friday, March 04, 2011


I haven't had an attack in a long time......

Not the type of attack that your thinking, but I'm having a bad episode. It started this week and its turning into a nightmare.

My last episode was last year in Dec and it was a very slight case of depression. I have learned to stay away from triggers and I was making great progress. By Feb 2011I was running high and handling business and I didn't notice that I was having too much fun(Mania)

I was not looking for warning signs, I was fearless and full of energy and was the life of the party. I know my highs and lows and I was going through my HIGH stage full force.

Only problem with that is when you go through your Highs, you have to prepare yourself for the extreme Low that lays ahead. That extreme low is what I'm facing right now...

There will be no posts for the weekend........

I just lashed out on Twitter and went through a very nasty Twitter meltdown rant. As soon as I started reading some of my tweets I noticed the anger in them. So I'm staying far away from the blogging/Twitter/Facebook thing for now until I ride through this Low.

I pray that this "Low" will only last for a few days and I can recover before working next week. I like to share what a "Low" is to Me:

I have the strange combination of crying and being angry at the same time.

Confused and scattered brained

Being sleepy and tired but when I lay on the bed the worst case of insomnia occurs.

Lashing out at people that I care about

Low sex drive

Distant and withdrawn

I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who understand what I go through and never take things I say to them personally because I'm going through my "Low" stage. Little things bother Me so I tend to stay locked up in house after work and gym so I'm not around people.

Nobody likes a Diesel Downer so for that reason I stay away from everybody until its over!! Not sure why I'm posting this?? If anybody else suffers from this disorder I want you to know your not alone.

Even Mister Sexy guy has his own set of problems out there!! I function in life and as long as I see the signs of an upcoming attack, I can prepare for it and make sure that I do not cause problems for others.


Crazy people are the best, We don't give a shit what people think about us. Just don't get in my way and I won't get in your way!! Never fuck with a crazy person cause they will COME HARD there is no off switch!!

We are never boring or dull and We let it all hang out people!!

P.S. I had to share this comment some sent me

Dear Diesel,
I read whet you wrote in your blog about struggling with mania and depression and all I thank you for talking about the struggle. I deal with similar feelings and know it is not easy for people to understand or have any sense of compassion. That being said, those of us who live with the reality of our lives and do well, work to find ways to cope and to celebrate our individuality have good, if unconventional, lives and we are not alone. For what it is worth, your frank willingness to speak out made me feel better and less isolated. Your unique sexuality maybe be your obvious gift, after reading your words it is now your courage that I find more compelling. This part of you will only get better with age and more wise.


Some people are locked into thinking they have to be something they are not to fit in. I never said I was perfect people, I have problems like everybody else out there. So this post was for the people that are alittle off, get anxiety attacks, panic attacks, OCD, ADD, ADHD, Personality disorders, Dissociative Disorders whatever.....

We can still work and live productive lives people.....

Just give us a chance..


I used to took Meds like ten years ago and they did more damage then the disorder. The meds just made Me numb and killed any personality that I had, and the worst part of taking Meds I was finding the lack of a sex drive, and I was losing erections. Being that I'm a very sexual person, knowing that I wasn't getting turned on, or achieving erections just made Me more depressed at the situtaion.

I rather be alittle crazy and slightly off and be able to fuck someone's brain out. Then a brain dead zombie, that is slow to react and can't get hard!!


Anonymous said...

Diesel dear, I do not suffer the problem you have, but I understand the symptoms you describe.
I just hope you recover soon and hopefully at some point to provide better medical and treatment expectations as annoying problem.
I know my words may seem empty but I know what it is suffering from a disease that accompanies you all day.
Diesel, I wish you well and a speedy recovery, from Buenos Aires I'm sending you a big hug.

Your biggest fan, Adrian .-

Anonymous said...

I've been through something similar, and it's tough. Took me years, but I finally learned how to ride it out, before it rides me.

Be kind to yourself, lean into it, and know that you will come out the other side. I find that doing small but meaningful things for myself makes a huge different; making myself a meal, no-matter simple, and really taking the time to do it properly, or just taking a long bath.

You're right, we're a complex, creative and amazing bunch of people. That realisation will see you through to the other side :-)

Ian (London)

Cali-P said...

Diesel - Do you take meds at all for this or do they fuck you up more than the highs/lows do?

Anonymous said...

Diesel I do suffer from the same problem and I too am surrounded by understanding and loving people. The highs are awesome and everything seems wonderful, but when the lows come it's so hard to get out of bed. Every little snag is too the extreme and my mouth just let's loose. I feel for you handsome. All the best to you. My name is Craig and I follow you on twitter and really enjoy following you. My twitted name is lizard67c.
Be true to yourself and when the lows hit always remember "It always gets better"

Anonymous said...

It takes any medication time to build in your system. Anti-depressants geneally take 6 weeks then you should be back to normal.