HAD TO BRING BACK BISHOP

Okay I had to bring back Bishop(can only wear it once a year, so why not?)and I got out the camera and took some quick pics for you.

I BETTER BE ON THOSE LIST OF PORN STARS IN THEIR HALLOWEEN OUTFITS THINGY LOL


So it will be a great weekend in the city, def going to the Halloween parade on Sunday in the NYC so it will be good.

Post again soon
Peace

ERNIE AND BERT FINALLY EXPOSED!!

The Vid starts off slow, but keep watching!!!You will get a big kick out of it!! Sesame Street will never be the same again!! HAHAHA

So funny!!! Ernie and Bert finally get exposed!!! I had to steal this from Queerclick, I love it!!!

Enjoy!!!

BONER MATERIAL FOR GAY TEENS IN THE 80'S

1. "Last American Virgin" there is a scene in the Movie, where Victor(nerd character keeps boasting about his large penis)proves his size, there is a contest in locker called "The Man with the biggest tool is the one who wins the pool" Start of scene starts at :24secs. then again at :46secs(comparing sizes) then the finish is at :58secs(Hard to find boner scenes on youtube) This scene strange enough gave me "Wood" for years to come!!!


2. "Animal House" There is a scene where there is a passed out girl at the "Animal House" where one of the characters opens her shirt and plays with her breast. Later on in the scene, the character is a gentlemen and drops her off home via a shopping cart. Some how I popped a boner in theater. Who knew??



3. Porky's shower scene when one of the characters has his "Tally wacker" pulled by female coach. Basically every single Porky movie was Homo erotic. With characters named "Meat" and "PeeWee" what gay male could refuse that?? LOL


4. "Weird Science" I mean come on.......enough said look at the package and bubble butt!!!yummy



5. "Commando" Anything that had Arnold in it was a gold mine, I mean "Look at that Body" Boner!!! Hence it started a saying "I'm going Commando(No underwear)" I joke I joke....


6. Silvester Stallone from the Rocky movies, Rambo movies, Cobra bah bah in his prime he had one of the best bodies in Hollywood. Total boner material


7. "BloodSport" Van Damme hot body, doing full splits and high kicks, umm okay??? Boner here!!!



8. "Outsiders" great movie and come on look at the cast, every teenage heartthrob in the 80's: Cast
Matt Dillon: Dallas Winston
Ralph Macchio: Johnny Cade
C. Thomas Howell: Ponyboy Curtis
Patrick Swayze: Darrel Curtis
Rob Lowe: Sodapop Curtis
Emilio Estevez: Two-Bit Matthews
Tom Cruise: Steve Randle
Glenn Withrow: Tim Shephard
Diane Lane: Cherry Valance
Leif Garrett: Bob Sheldon
Darren Dalton: Randy Anderson

Who can forget Sodapop Curtis coming out of the shower!!! Nice ...Boner!!!
Any movie that has a character named "Ponyboy", well.........You do the Math!! Boner!!!


9. "My Bodyguard" Just something about Matt Dillon being the bully(he was hot) also Chris Makepeace(kid who got bullied)he just had these pretty eyes....OMG Total Boner!!!


10. "Loverboy" During this period of the 80's, Patrick Dempsey was the "It" boy "Cant Buy Me Love" "Meatballs" bah bah he was basically in the 80's the Michael Cera of Now!! He played every geeky/nerd role looking for love and getting into trouble at the same time. You know I like my Geeky types, Boner!!!


11. "Less than Zero" Great movie and it was a shock in the movie to find out that Robert Downey Jr, was a Escort and the jaw dropping scene where he is giving a blowjob to a trick for some cock and to pay off a debt owed to his pimp!! Very deep movie...... but I have to say when I saw RDJ on his knees......Boner!!! Sorry but its true!!LOL


12. "Once Bitten" Jim Carrey in the shower, and his dim witted friends checking to see if he has fang marks on his inner thigh. Something about these "Shower" scenes when I was a teen kept Me having raging hardons. In other words, Boners!!!


13. "TopGun" all the scenes where Tom was shirtless, and this scene where he is in his underwear..... Big time Boner!!! Plus "Risky Business" the scene on the train hot hot hot!! Boner!!





14. "Police Academy" couldn't find it on youtube but its of the Commandant getting a blow job under the podium, while doing a slide show. But I was able to get the Classic "Blue Oyster" scene...nothing like Leather Daddies in a bar, funny yet gave me a Hard on!! Boner



15. "9 1/2 Weeks" Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger enough said......Boner!!



16. "BeastMaster" I don't know what to tell you, the Beastmaster had a hot body!!! And one of the first movies that I saw that had some Hot leather gear in it!!Boner!!



17. "The Last Dragon" The Star Taimak just had the hottest body, cute face all around a hot fucking "Redbone" Boner city with this one


18. "Zapped" with Scott Baio, this is right after Happy Days and he was a teen idol. Alot of the movie Scott would be running around in shorts have his shirt off and that was Gay Boner material


So there u have it, there were probably other movies that I could have added but this post took a long time to write. Growing up in the 80's as a teenager was alot different than it is today. There are so many gay characters on TV and in movies so the teenagers today, Pick and Choose want they wanted to watch.

When I was growing up, We didn't have many Gay/Bi characters to watch. So you had to use your imagination and look for the things in the movies that attracted you.

Not knowing my sexuality and having to struggle with the peer pressure of fitting in was kind of hard for alot of us(Gay/Bi). Added to that fact was the AIDS panic that was going on in the 80's, it was not a good time to be Gay/Bi. I always knew I was different but I wasn't ready to take that step and come out of any closet. This was the 80's it wasn't like I could jump on the computer and download all the content I wanted for jerking off.


So I had to use what entertainment was available to Me at the time to bust that nut!!! Just wanted to share what movies were boner material to Me in the 80's.


To those that grew up during the 80's WHAT WAS YOUR BONER MATERIAL?????

Leave Me your comments and lets have an 80's flashback....

SOFTER SIDE OF DIESEL

Okay I know people get tired of Me always attacking the Haters!!

I come at the Haters so hard because I'm growing tired of always having to justify myself or my actions...

Sometimes I wish people would just read the blog for entertainment purposes and just that!! It suppose to give you some insight into my life and be hard hitting yet show a human side that I choose to share.

I never get credit for balancing the Hard and Heavy character of Diesel Washington onscreen, with the sensitive side of the "Editor" when I write an in depth post about my life in porn or the Ups and downs of my life.

Terms like "Mandingo" "Black Sex Savage" always seem to come up, but if people really looked into the character and read the posts(On my Blog), you would see there is a big difference between the two.

That is the very reason Why I think I remain popular in this business. I am apart of this business, so I can look at the business from a Human level. I poke fun at the Hypocrites and Bullshit artists because I live in reality.

The fantasy is the Movie part, sure I get in front of the camera and try to turn people on, give them a good show so they get their money worth. At the end of the day, I have to live my life, pay my bills and keep my head raised high because life throws curl balls at you sometimes.

I just make sure I carry a Huge Bat!!! To hit another home run out of the park!!

Well enough talk.....

I just wanted to show a softer side, I always use Hip Hop, Rock....

I wanted to slow things down for you.

Enjoy

BLOG BATTLES!! MY TONGUE IS A SWORD

Polls results are in when asked "What is more important??

The comfort level of the models or protecting the HIV status of a model..

Out of 130 people

The Comfort Level of the model won by a landslide!!!!

Thank God for that!!To those in the industry who read my blog, look at the result!! Take it in and really understand what that means.

The comfort level of the models.......is the more important!!

Moving on...

I killed that steretotype that people once had of Me as this "Mandingo Fucker" What do the Haters do??? They come up with a new term, now the haters are saying "Black Sex Savage" now LOL. It never ends.......

Such simple minds, anyway...

You remember JuicyGoHoe?? No??This is for him:


I codenamed a model "JuicyGoHoe". A nasty bare back performer who stars in these movies as a "Black Sex Savage" who fucks and shoot raw loads in these trashy Meth out models. Star of such movies as "Stupid Cumdumpster" "Hypocrite Cum Dildo" bah bah..

Here is another nail for that coffin he is making for himself(I just happen to have a hammer for you):

Your a bare back performer, who looks for attention!! You use your Twitter for attention by doing reality checks of the industry(without any facts)Your messages would have more merit.

If you were not a Bare back performer.


Your rants about having more Men of Color in mainstream porn would have more merit.


If you were not a bare back performer.


You go after Industry people on twitter, trying to call them out using harsh reality. You can not point out hypocrites when you are one yourself. On one hand you want to call people out about the HIV issues causing panic right now. But aren't you a performer that films mostly bareback content?? Not sure you understand the message that you are sending out to people.

Well maybe you do understand the message?? and that is even more fucked up!!

I don't really understand when someone who does bare back porn, would twitter attack a porn producer who put out a PSA's telling people to protect themselves??

Who cares if they use models who have done prior bare back work. I think THAT is the most important fact of the PSA, taking models who have done bare back in the past, and helping them to understand that is not the type of message as models we should be sending out. Makes perfect sense to Me.

Anybody that has a problem with a PSA promoting safe sex must be ignorant in some kind of way. Why do you feel the need to criticize a positive message, that makes no sense.

Unless.....

They are a Militant/Conversion bare backer(JuicyGoHoe you are one)types out there.

A "Militant/Converting Barebacker"???

They are low, they use damaged reasoning to push an agenda. They are the people that are into the bare backing lifestyle hardcore!!! Bare backers have become very militant nowadays. They are fighting to keep their culture alive, by any means necessary. More here:

The horrors of "Conversion" parties, which feature a neg bottom that accepts the loads of Poz members. Giving someone HIV is considered "Giving them the Gift" "Showing them how to live a stress free life" a cute way of saying...

I'm HIV positive and I want to infect another human, like its some kind of sport. I know reality and that bullshit doesn't fly with Me.

Right now!! The militant barebacker,(sport Bio hazard tattoos, colored laces on their boots etc etc)Sounds like I"m wrongly judging, but at this point of time. I don't give a shit!!

I can respect an opinion(Based on logic/knowledge), but when they mask a hidden agenda to infect people knowingly!! I have to speak up and be vocal. There are hundreds of Predators that are HIV+, and they seek out to infect people. The madness of destroying or altering someone elses life for some kind of twisted benefit is wrong.

The distortion of ones reality, and not knowing Right and Wrong is disturbing to Me.!!It's almost having the mindset of a Sociopath. In my opinion, this goes on in the brain of the Militant/Conversion barebacker:


"Well everybody is going to get infected soon, so might as well bite the bullet now and accept your fate."

"I got the "Gift" to take away all your fear and stress and worrying about becoming infected"

"I figured if I'm affected by a certain strain of the virus, might as well go out there(bareback)and receive new strains of the virus so that the virus becomes a "Super Virus" and eats itself. There by you become Negative again..."

"Now I can go out and have all the loads I want because I have the virus already.."

"Well if he asks my status, I will lie to him because he should have known better to have unprotected sex"

"Well I have a bio hazard tattoo, if he doesn't know what that means its not my fault"

"I poke holes in the rubbers, hoping that they break, because most tops even though the condom broke, will keep going and pump in that load"

"I waited for him to get drunk, and then I climb on top of him and shoved my dick into him because he was so asking for it..."

"I'm not that bad of a guy, if someone asks if I'm Neg or Pos, I will tell them " I'm not sure, I haven't been tested in a long time" and let them make the decision to wear a condom or not. Of course that decision is made easier if they have been partying...LOL"

THIS IS THE BRAIN PATTERN

I'm a blogger, and alot of people know my stances when it comes to the whole bare back porn issue. I'm constantly approached by people stating their militant opinions(of course via internet)so I'm constantly listening to people's (Distorted)opinions when it comes to barebacking in porn.

What consenting adults do in their bedroom is one thing......

Pushing a barebacking agenda and being a bareback performer. I'm going to challenge you each time you open your mouth to push your agenda. You try to push it in public forums like Twitter/Facebook/Blogs/Websites....

When that happens, I have the right to go after you in public forums as well, because I don't agree with your opinions and your outlook on life.



JuicyGoHoe your the worst of the Gutterbunnies!!

You call out Scapegoats to distract attention from the Biggest problem your causing yourself. Your are a bareback performer who is having unprotected sex on film giving the stereotype that African American males are nothing but Black Rods full of cum looking to breed and load up hungry holes. In a day an age when HIV is running rampant through "Our Community".

You relish in the fact that you have so called renting #1 titles under your belt? You say your "Real" because you display the way people really want to have sex, and that other people are just too scared and pussy to do it on film. You call out hypocrites who say your wrong for doing bareback porn because they bareback in their private lives, and at least your honest about it. You get on a soapbox preaching that condoms are not 100% safe, but your bareback porn is safer than condom porn because your partners are tested and sero sorted!! You try to call out Me saying I play a stereotype of the Muscle, dark skinned sex savage and that is the wrong message to send out to people.

That is the mentality of a Sociopath.

Okay I will be that Black Sex Savage(who films with condoms, gets tested once a month, sends out the message I can get freaky but still remain safe)I will take that title over.....

Militant/Conversion bareback top that is a Sociopath....

Anyday.....

GEEK PRE-CUM!!

I'm a Marvel guy, but this is pretty cool from DC

I thought I was going to have a Geek Orgasm watching this....


Thanks Chiles for reminding Me about this, I was watching this like 10 times at the Comic Con...



This is the introduction of the Avengers at Comic Con!!! I'm just shooting Jizz right now!!!

I can't wait!!

Important post coming your way

NERD RAP!!TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!

This is one of the best Hip Hop songs I ever heard!!! Nerd rap!! They capture the entire experience of growing up a nerd and watching your childhood memories being turned into SHIT!!

TV & Movie Spoofs Channel
Tags: Atom.com,Atom Originals,Atom Blog,Upload Videos

OMG I would fuck the hell out of both lead rappers in this song!! Mark my words I will get this song to cross over.....

Simply genius!!!!

I fucking hated the Red Hulk as well.....

Get yourself right Marvel!!

This makes Me proud to be a Geek/Nerd!!!!

Geeks rule!!

****Update*****************

I had to upload a clear embed, I really have to give these credit!! SIDECAR you guys rock!!

FUCK BTTMSMOOTHBOI

CALLING OUT THE BULLSHIT AND LIES!!

Right to It...


I'm tired of the double talk:

"All American Males" are Black, White, Asian, Latin, Indian bah bah bah. So trying to say that you like the All American types. Well there you have it, if you were born in the United States then YOU ARE All AMERICAN!!

Using All American as code for only being into Whites only!!!That is a bunch of bullshit!!! Rather hear you say your not into Men of Color, then hear a bunch of bullshit code!! Use the preference card(more bullshit)or something alittle more Creative....

Oh and using into Light Hair and Eyes...more bullshit!!. It's not PC and insults my intelligence, its more drawn out talk about being into "White only". Dumb fucks!!

Twinks are White, Black, Asian, Latin bah bah bah. Just like there is Black Bodybuilders, Black Jocks, Black Muscle Daddies...I rather it be a bodybuilder who happens to be black etc etc. Just like We don't have a Black President, We have a President who is Black.

Non Men of Color, I do not take offense to being called BLACK, you don't have to keep calling Black Men "African Americans" Yes I know its the PC thing to say without causing waves. But Black is fine as well......

I don't care where you were raised, the term "Colored" I do take offense to, unless your like eighty years old LOL. The older generations used the term Negro(PC back then) or "Colored" which was more of a Southern thing, but like forth years ago. If a twenty something calls Me "Colored" then We are going to have a long talk.....

Women stop this bullshit of wearing deep V necks shirts showing off your Tits, but have the nerve to get upset when a guy stares at your chest!! I mean SHIT your displaying your rack for the world to see, so of course your going to get some stares.

Gay Porn Stars stop all the Tweets saying your in the gym, Working out(when your not)!! When I was on Twitter, it was the common Tweet "Working Out in the Gym" "Time to hit the Gym" "Hitting the Gym Hard" funny part is...

When I go to these events, and see these same Porn Stars.......

Nothing has changed!! They haven't gain any Size, Definition, or have lost weight!! Alot of people walking around that have lost Muscle(I'm kidding)or gain some Fat though LOL.

Lets get it together people!! Stop lying on Twitter!!

Flamboyant gay males who make fun of other flamboyant gay males for being too cunty or girly. It's funny hearing a Gay male say "He's not my type because he's too girly" I'm like "Your wearing more make up than him LOL" "Just because he's girly does that mean He is a bottom??" I know alot of Fem Tops running around, they do the whole "Drag thing" but they got big dicks and know how to use them so watch out!!


Plus I know alot of Trannies and Drag queens that pick up alot of these so called masculine males, just to bring them home to find out their legs go up in the air in an nanosecond. That is real talk!!

I'm tired of assholes that say "I can get a body like yours if I did Steroids too" Excuse Me?? I touched the stuff once, and it was a horrible experience for Me(Moody, cycling down was a bitch, Post cycle horrors) Ever since I have been busting my ass in the gym, dieting, doing Cardio, working on my stomach Steroid free....

I'm the one making it to the gym four to five times a week(Rain, Snow, Sleet)killing myself on the treadmill, to get the results that I want. And all that hard work is shitted on by some asshole saying it was all about the Roids with Me. I take that very personal because I worked hard for it!! Speaking of which...

As a personal trainer, I hear these guys that just started the gym say "I don't want to get too big" My friend, it took Me ten years to get a body like this, so don't worry. If he wasn't a Client I would have said "Are you Fucking Crazy man? You weigh 150lbs your not going to turn into Superman after two months of the Gym" But I got to make a living right??LOL

On the flip side, if your start weight was 160lbs and in two short months u gained 30lbs of muscle. Don't bullshit Me and say "You changed your diet, or doing a different workout" At least say you taking a new kind of Supplement... Fucking Juice head...LOL

This is for the new people that come to NYC, if you stop on the sidewalk to check your phone, converse with friends, smoke a cig, whatever.. Make sure you pull over to the far right or far left of the sidewalk, DO NOT STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF SIDEWALK!! I can't tell you how annoying it is to walk through a crowd of people and have some of them stand in the middle of the sidewalk blocking the passing lanes(Rush hour) I don't care that your on the phone, or texting or Twittering. Move out of my way, and this is Walking...I guess I have Sidewalk rage.

To the people that say "My body is a Temple", okay you eat right and work out. But your body is a Temple?? If that is the case then your Temple must be made of Coke, E, Tina, GHB or whatever. You use this Temple crap, but your a drug user and abuser!! So Temple my ass, you watch what you eat not what you snort. Real Talk!!

No offense to anybody with this next one but.......

If you write a blog about Porn Stars(and don't get paid for it), if most of the people on your Twitter page are either Porn Stars or Porn Industry people, if all your friends on facebook are Porn Stars or Industry. If you are constantly chatting/texting/tweeting with only Porn stars.

And you never filmed a porn, or worked on a set(agent, photographer, billing, editor, makeup artist,set design, scripts, an extra in a non sex scene or work for a producer)then.....

You are a Porn Star groupie!! Just admit it!!

I know so many people who don't do porn(get money from it in some way) but live their life around the Porn Industry(they want to be around the models, they want to party with them bah bah)you guys are Porn Star groupies...

There is nothing wrong with that!! I like Porn Star Groupies(some of them)The only reason why I say Porn Star groupies is because......

Lets be real, everybody wants to have sex with a Porn Star, party with a Porn Star, be seen with a Porn Star...

But nobody wants to carry the Stigma that doing porn brings, and that is being honest. I hear people say "I'm so interested in the Lifestyle, but I don't have the balls to do porn, what if I want to do something else with my life?" "I don't want the Stigma" Fine then don't do porn, but don't call Me Cocky or I think I'm all of that. I had the balls to put myself out there and expose my sexuality. So I have to carry myself with extra confidence because I do carry the Stigma. I distance myself from some people because they are hypocrites. They go to all the parties and when they get mistaken for a porn star, I have heard "Hell no I don't do porn!!I have a real job I would never disrespect myself like that" or "Umm no sorry, I don't lay on my back for a living, I have more respect for myself" yet...

They are on Twitter, chatting with all the stars like they are one big family. They go to all the events, rub up next to all the stars, try to get fucked by the stars. They scramble to get all the porn giveaways, try to take pictures of all the stars(facebook, myspace, twitter)They Suck up to you!!Kiss your ass!! Just to be apart of the energy. Fuck that fake fucks!! Your just like everybody else you just want to leach on the fame and live in the lights!! So watch out fellow stars, they love the way you look, love your big dick, tight ass, all of that, but don't respect you as human being, your just a scapegoat for them to live out their sexual lust. As soon as a newer face comes along, they will start hitting up that model on Twitter, trying to get friendly with them. Just like little boys, they had a favorite toy until the next one comes along, and soon you will be the toy box forgotten. Same thing happens when you Age, Gain weight, or fall from grace.

Okay.....

You want to party with Us, and have all the fun of being a Porn Star. But don't want the Stigma. Well you can't have it both ways(at least in my opinion)I still see you as Fans/Groupies/Supporters. You get to go back to your own world, after all the partying and sex parties is over. In the real world, you don't have to worry about getting jobs or someone exposing your porn past when you become a celebrity doing something else with your life. I have to carry that Stigma that most of you don't want. So excuse Me if I distance myself from the Groupies that seem to hang all over Us at parties.

I have love for the Fans because you guys support Us, that is the most important message. I have love for the Groupies as well but sometimes they turn into Stalkers!!

Some of these people on Twitter that "STALK" the porn stars, YOU ARE NOT A PORN STAR!! I don't care how many people you have on your facebook/twitter page, you don't do porn, or work in the Porn Industry!! Stalking just makes Me feel paranoid because you follow our careers closer than the Fans, they follow all the movements of the stars, go to all the parties, hoping to become a part of the lifestyle. Just be Fans and enjoy the work!! Stop stalking the stars hoping that one day, they will either fall in love with you or they will become your best friends.

When I was on Twitter I would get tweets from angry Stalkers saying "How come you don't follow Me??" "How come you don't answer my tweets??" When they didn't get the answer they wanted, they started bad mouthing, or spreading rumors on Twitter about Me. I'm like Really??? Wow once your Fans and when they don't hear something they like, they turn on you and become bitter and angry.

Wow!! that is why I am cautious when it comes to riding that line between Fans, Groupies, Supporters and Stalkers. I write a very depth blog, sharing alot of my experiences in life. It has been my past experience that often I'm stalked because people feel a connection with Me/blog/performer. People need to remember you have some insights about my "Life" I have no knowledge about your "Life" so alot of people come at Me hard because they feel connected in some way.

I'm glad I could be entertaining for you, at the same time I don't know my Fans personally. So when you "Come at Me" with so much emotion because you followed my blog and it touched you I sometimes get nervous because.....

I have never met you!! You know alot about Me but I know nothing about you!! Think of it this way:

Its like a complete stranger comes walking up to you, and starts talking about your family and your past experiences like they walked in your shoes!! It takes Me a minute to recognize that you guys are Fans. When a situation like this happens.....

Truth be told, I run for the hills!!

Almost five years later, I still think of this blog as my baby!! A private journal(yeah right) where I keep my thoughts/rants/opinions about my journey in porn. I can't "Take" the observations that some people have about "My Life" like they are reading chapters from a book. I'm the "Editor" of the blog so the only way you can really get inside of my head is by going directly to the source. This blog is only pieces...

Sucks that I don't let people get that close to find out for themselves!! I have been hurt.. Cue the AWWWWWWWWWW

This is real life, its not a soap opera its not fiction its real experiences complete with Highs, Lows. I had convos with people that were reading passages out of my life like it was a novel that they read. Its sort of surreal to talk about my blog(where I expose myself) like its an unfinished hardcover that someone picked up and started reading..

Wow deep!! moving on...

If your sucking dick, or taking a dick up the ass in a porn...

You are not str8! Use Bi or "Sexual" something that sounds cute, do not say your Str8that is a bunch of bullshit. No Str8 male is going to let their image of being fucked or sucking on a fat cock be beamed across the Internet for sale for a couple of bucks without being somewhat Bi curious(at the least) Tired of Str8 guys who are taking 10 inch dicks up their ass(which is loose before the scene)say after everything is done at the end of the day, I'm str8!

Str8 males don't get hard while sucking dick, Str8 males don't get rock hard when getting fucked!! And as I said before, no Str8 male is going to do Gay porn like Hello I'm str8 but I'm about to take this fat cock in my ass for a few hundred dollars. Real str8 males will sell drugs, might even sell their bodies but they would never commit to doing film so people can see them performing homosexual acts!! Real Talk!!

If your 5'7 and you have a 8 inch dick, stop saying you have a 10 inch dick. Your dick looks big because you have a little body(height wise, skinny)so its an illusion!! When I first watched porn I saw all these guys with huge dicks, I was like I can't compare to these guys. The reality of the situation was that these guys were all short with big dicks so of course the dick looks 10inch huge but its only an 8 incher. Real Talk!!

Now this is a confusing one....

People stop assuming all Porn Stars are HIV+, that is a bunch of bullshit!!!

Models stop assuming other models are HIV-, that is a bunch of bullshit!!

Okay I had enough fun, another post coming your way!!

OLD SCHOOL HIP HOP!!

GRANDMASTER CAZ



Now alot of you might not recognize this man, even people who are Die hard Hip Hop fans might not know this person.

This is Grandmaster Caz and this is Bio:


After seeing Kool Herc play at a party in the Bronx in 1974, Fisher decided to become a DJ, and purchase the necessary equipment the next day. As "Grandmaster Caz", he teamed up with his best friend, DJ Disco Wiz (Luis Cedeno). He later would team up with JDL (Jerry Dee Lewis) and form The Notorious Two. Caz began incorporating rhymes with his DJing and become known as the first DJ to do so. In 1978 he formed a group called the Mighty Force with Whipper Whip (James Whipper) and Dot-A-Rock (Darryl Mason). In 1979 DJ Charlie Chase (Carlos Mandes) from The Cold Crush Brothers asked Caz to help audition MCs for his group which was really a way for Charlie Chase to trick Caz into joining the Cold Crush Brothers. JDL, Whipper Whip, and Dot-A-Rock were also part of The Cold Crush Brothers before Whipper Whip and Dot-A-Rock left to join The Fantastic Five.

The Cold Crush Brothers began building a reputation in the burgeoning hip hop scene in New York, mostly for Caz's routines and lyrical ability. Around this time, record mogul Joe Robinson, husband of Sylvia Robinson, and, along with his wife, co-founder of Sugar Hill Records, happened to hear part-time club bouncer and manager of the Cold Crush Brothers, Big Bank Hank (Henry Jackson) rapping to a tape of Grandmaster Caz while working at a pizzeria. She asked him be the third member of a group that she was putting together called the Sugar Hill Gang. Hank accepted and, since he wasn't an MC himself, he borrowed a book of rhymes from Grandmaster Caz.[1] Caz figured that if Hank was picked up by a record label, then he would help Caz and the Cold Crush get a contract in turn.

Hank would use Caz's lyrics in the song "Rapper's Delight" which would become a huge hit in 1979 and is the first hip hop single to land on the top 40 charts. This was also the first time the term rapper was used to describe a person who is rhyming to music on the mic, such people had been known only as MC on the hip hop scene at the time. Caz would never receive any credit or compensation for the rhymes that he contributed.[2]

In 1982, The Cold Crush Brothers were featured in the movie Wild Style and would also be on the soundtrack with Grandmaster Caz doing the movie theme song "South Bronx Subway Rap". Caz released some records as a solo artist in the late 1980s.

I have been a Hip Hop fan all my life, and I go back to the roots of Hip Hop. Before it was IN to like Hip Hop I was there with the movement from birth.

When I was younger I was a Break dancer(old term I know)when other people were into R&B, Hard Rock, Folk or soul. I was Pop locking and doing footwork on the streets and at parties.

One of the biggest albums of all time, Rappers Delight was spinning on the turntable and I was apart of a culture that some people did not understand. I was in the theater rocking to Beat Street!! Wild Style, Breaking/Breaking 2, and who could forget KrushGroove???

This is way before the Acts of today....

Rappers didn't go Platinum back then(a Gold Album was huge)and it was all about the Streets, if you represented your block or neighborhood that was the highest respect!!

Fast forward to the big tours and huge pay rolls the Hip Hop acts have now!!!

Before all of that, there people like Grandmaster Caz who helped start this Music. I pay the highest respect to people like him.

Str8/Gay/Bisexual it doesn't matter what your sexuality is, Good Music has to start some where.

So to all the Newcummers to Hip Hop

There would be no Drakes, TI's, Jay Z's, Little Wayne's bah bah!!

Without people like GrandMaster Caz

Moving on...

I took a poll in the post before this and its very important. At the end of the week, I will collect the Data and present a Insightful post at the end of the week!

Stay tuned!!

I feel better it was a long weekend last week and it took a toll on Me!! I just needed some time to sort out things and finally I'm starting to feel like myself. I will be going on "Tour" soon and will have the details(its about that time again)and I have alot of networking to do.

Its back to business, I have let something slip and its time to bring the pain again

Look out world!!

TIME IS TICKING!!!! VOTE!!!!

I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS!!!


There I said it, I don't understand myself sometimes!! Looking at myself I see a confused man as to what he wants in a relationship..

Ever meet someone and you have that animal attraction(physical, mental)but either they are into you way too much(whatever that means)which turns you off, or your way into them(whatever that means) and they are turned off...

It seems the key is to be with someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

But I heard a rumor, that in most relationships there is always one person that is into the another one more. Does that make sense?? One person loving the other person more...? Ages Old question.

In any case, I have found out that I'm starved for affection. I do the porn/escort/hookup thing but no actual intimacy like the "Dating" thing or finding that special person in which you share more than good sex with. Yikes!! Good Sex is good sex but afterwards your stuck with the same feeling of being alone. Just because I do porn, doesn't mean that SEX is the most important thing to Me, people have the notion that either I'm not looking for something "More" or incapable of having such wants. Yikes its like I'm Mister Fuck you in Ass guy and I'm out!!

Another thing that bothers Me about the whole relationship thing. I notice people are more willing to partner up during the Winter as opposed to Summer(makes sense in a way) So many lazy fucks out there that partner up for the Winter so they don't have to go out to the bars and clubs in the freezing cold. HAHAA I laugh because its so true, I have been there and done that before, but that was when I was younger. I know friends that have this Winter long "Thing" and as soon the weather gets nice they are out the door chasing more Ass. I can't make any judgements about that but I find it funny is all.....

But I'm looking for that "Special" thing all year round.

I guess I'm just bitching about nothing(like what else is new

Time is ticking, I'm getting older each day and still looking for that "Special" person.

Just staring at the Clock LOL....

Moving on.....

Porn news, it seems that a Gay4pay performer has turned up....HIV+. Yup so the Porn world is freaking out, and everybody is throwing out names not knowing who this "Patient Zero" person is...

It's turning into a Witch hunt, and I feel bad for "Patient Zero" this is one giant mess and the Industry is bracing for a Hard hit. It seems that "Patient Zero" has performed in Str8 and Gay porn. So that means this effects both Genres of porn Str8 and Gay, so the hammer is going to fall hard!! Get ready in the next weeks for some Huge debates and new changes to the porn world.

So much talking about HIV+ models, barebacking issue, STDs. I saw all of this coming!! People are just more informed nowadays and the Porn industry has to evolve in order to compete. They had to evolve when the introduction of the VHS came they had to evolve when DVDs came and yet again with the introduction of Internet(Illegal downloads, Websites, Tube sites)

Health issues in porn hasn't changed, We models come into this business knowing the health risks involved(ST D's, crabs bah bah)but as far as HIV we believe that we are safe because we use condoms, and we are(to a degree)!!

At the same time, if someone is not willing to take the risk and feels uncomfortable performing with HIV+ models then I believe he has that right. Since some Studios do not test their models, some models have been asking their Co star(s)their status(Shit some want to see paper work) And some Studios/Sites frown on that....

Whats the problem with that you may ask?

Well...

That leaves the doors open to models asking other models their status on set. If a HIV+ model is paired up with HIV neg model. The Neg model might not want to work with a model unless they are Neg(do you ask for test results?) Is it the duty of the HIV+ model to reveal his status to a partner, even though they are having protected sex?? Is it wrong of the HIV+ model to work with a model who has stated that He doesn't want to work with someone who is +?? Alot of unanswered questions..

At the same time think about the HIV+ model:

If people are going around asking models their status, is it fair to the HIV+ model?
If that Neg model decides that he doesnt want to work with a HIV+ model. Now the privacy of that HIV+ model has be compromised, Whats to stop that Neg model from spreading rumors that expose the status of that HIV+ model??. . He has his right to privacy, Right?. What goes on set doesn't always stay on set, and gay boys like to gossip that could spread to his private life and that is not fair. Right??

What is happening.....

Neg models are being partnered with HIV+ models against their knowledge(And these models have stated that they didn't want to work with HIV+ models). Believe Me its not fun, finding out a model that you worked with has turned up HIV+, the thoughts that run through your head(Drive you Nuts!). Esp if your some young naive model new to the business... that could break down some people. I have seen it before.

To Me it seems that HIV+ models have more rights then models who are Neg. Which seems alittle unfair to Me.

It's a delicate situation ....

FOR THE RECORD I HAVE DATED PEOPLE WHO WERE HIV+, so I'm not discriminating against anybody!! I'm not making HIV+ models the demons in the matter or pointing a finger or starting a Witch hunt to find out who is + and who is -, I'm willing to work with a HIV+ model as well, in real life I assume everybody is HIV+ when I have sex with them anyway(As everybody should) So save Me the Hate email....

Well lets make a poll,:

poll by twiigs.com

I want to hear from the Fans and readers, what is your opinion????

I will post all comments regarding this issue on my blog, I think its a good idea for people to talk openly about this.

So let me know your thoughts.....






-

TOO FUNNY BABY DANCING!!

This baby can dance!!!

I love Hip Hop!!

HUSTLABALL NYC 2010 CRAZY PARTY!!

Look at my face I'm so happy to be there!!!






So just coming from a Wake, I was shook up more then I thought. To everybody that said "Sorry about hearing about your Grandfather" it was needed!! I was not feeling Porn Starish and it was written on my face.

I pushed on and got through it......

Okay enough about Me I guess you saw some of the pics on the Sword. Okay I got the Vids that people were waiting for.

Here you go:

THIS IS FOR ZACH FROM THESWORD LOGAN STEVENS:


Adam Killian


Adam Killian, Ralph Woods, Fire dancer:


Austin Wilde(again)


Pierre Fitch and Austin Wilde


Ryan Raz, Austin Wilde, Ralph Woods, Adam Killian, Spencer Reed, Phillip Aubrey


I had to get him on all fours, its a great looking shot, Austin Wilde:



Probably missed some people and I didn't go indepth like I usually do. I had my mind on other things!! I tried to get as much footage as I could get.

I notice on the blogs and in the blogging circle nobody really did a full write up about the event

I will give alot of insight information:

Alot of cock sucking going on, Geez you think guys have on knee pads or something. Seriously dicks in mouths all night(Not a bad thing LOL)

My mind was on other things, so I reframed from dancing with the other boys!! I felt bad...

Some good stage shows, again alot of cocksucking going on.

Some models were doing Water Sports, some of it was interesting, some of it I was like Hmmmm????

I have been doing a "Water Sports" act for years, before some of models were even in the Industry. Seeing how some of the models were using "Water Sports" for a performance piece..

I was like HUH???

I mean the "Water Sports Act" doesn't belong to Me, but nobody was doing "Water Sports" live(they were I know, but THAT was my thing) Am I the one that is crazy?? I was doing live Water sports shows back in 2006 with Damien Crosse. I have done four Black Parties, two Magnatudes, five Hustlaballs, eight performances at Gigs


At one point during the show, two models were on stage doing oral and rimming and one of the models pissed into a cup and the other model drank it...

Last year I did a piece with Lady Fag, I peed into a champange glass and she drank it on stage.

Not hating on anybody, I just thought "Wow they took my Bit I did last year" They remember seeing something shocking the year before and wanted the same reaction by doing something they thought would Shock the People. I laughed because it was the Highest form of Flattery. Both these models performed at Hustlaball last year so they were Witness to the Champange Act of Diesel and Lady Fag. So no I'm not being cocky and saying I'm Gods gift to Water Sports, just stating what I saw is all.

I was impressed with Chris Porter, I met the kid in passing a few times. I just thought he was a cute kid, I checked out a couple of his scenes. He's a good bottom, he takes the dick, moans and hes a good fuck toy. What impressed Me was that him still being fairly new to the business, he was able to get on stage and have a strong stage presence, and able to jerk off infront of a live audience(with the lights, music, pressure and being a bottom)I was impressed!!! To be able to get in a head space on stage and crank out a load is tough!! So good job!!

I'm hard on new talent, esp when they are thrown into the spotlight as quickly as Chris Porter was. So good job again Kid!! I give credit when its due!! The performance wasn't drawn out(some people take longer to cum)it had a good timing to it, Strong stage presence, and he had an Edge to him, solid performance.

But Who am I right?? Who am I to judge?? Hands down I'm know as a good performer(Hence Performer of the Year Grabbys 2009)so I have an eye for good performances.

Moving on....

Tommy Defendi is such a cool guy, I can't say enough about this kid. You have seen the Vids, Tommy is just a good guy. I spent alot of time with him and Lizz(Girlfriend) and they are just good people. Big shout out to Tommy!!

Big shout out to Pierre Fitch, Ralph Woods, Jake Steel, Ryan Raz, Austin Wilde, much love to everybody.

Extra Shout Out to Rentboy staff and models, Sean Van Sant, Mike Dreyden, Jeff and the rest of the crew.

It was a good night!!

Another post coming up

RIP JACE JONES!!

29 OCTOBER 87 - 19SEPTEMBER 2010

I had to wait first to confirm it, but alas Jace Jones has passed away.

He was making his mark in the Porn world, and his life was cut short due to an accident..

You will be missed brother!!!

DIESEL AT COMIC CON 2010

Okay Kids.......


I needed some alone time(It was long weekend)so I went to Comic Con this past Saturday. I went with a friend(who will remain nameless)and I had a good time!! I had alot on my mind, with the passing of my grandfather and having to perform at Hustlaball I had alot going on...

I wanted to go as Bishop(like last Halloween)I just wasn't up for running around. I was in a funky mood, and I think I would have had a better time if things were different *sigh.

Anyway I had a blast hanging out with my friend and just taking in the sights and sounds on Comic Con.

Things I noticed about Comic Con:

I'm glad I had a chance to meet Iceman, I saw some footage of him at Last year Big Apple Comic Con seen here:



Literally tons of little lesbians running around as their favorite Anime character. I mean the lesbians are getting younger and younger every year. Seeing teen girls holding hands or kissing out in public dressed in character. Pure Genius!!! Smart girls... There are tons of Anime characters that are Bi sexual or gay, and it was great to see people embrace those characters and use them to display their own sexuality!!

Being a Geek myself it was great to be able to just let loose and let my inner geek out!! I found myself in convos with people from all ages and races!!! It was a pleasure just to be in a crowd with people who have the same interests.

The girls at the events are dressing sexy and just has this sexual energy to them!! Geekboys are geekboys. Geekboys haven't changed much, still socially awkward and still afraid to approach girls. Most of the Geek boys were too busy collecting Swag, or playing Vid games to even notice all the hot women running around.

I saw alot of Geek gay boys running around, it was cool being noticed and recognized. A few gay geeks came up to Me, waiting to take pics with Me and showed Me alot of love.


I know I haven't posted any Geek News lately......



FELLOW GEEKS!!!


In my heart, I'm a geek and nerd and even though I'm this "Porn Star" I will never forget about my fellow Geeks!!

COMIC CON was great!!


LONG LIVE THE GEEKS WE RULE!!

I'M ALIVE!!

I haven't post in some time....

I have footage of Comic Con, Hustlaball....

I will have that up soon, I just needed some time to myself and just live life. Shout Out to Tommy Defendi, Lizz, Jason.

Huge Shout Out to Alex(told you I would write about you!!!)

I will have everything up shortly...

I'm only human....

LOOKING AHEAD!! I SEE SOME STUFF!!

Hmm..

Josh Slyman selffucking and getting plowed by Rod Daly


Kayl O’Riley and Antonio Biaggi



A New model named Carter on Corbin Fisher




Everybody retiring.... Trevor Knight, Tommy D

Interesting.....

So long weekend planned I have alot on my mind, I was going to do this "Read" about the Industry!! And I'm tired!! I'm working out at the gym trying to release that Neg energy, running longer on treadmill, and StairMaster!!

I'm here and I had to post something, writing helps Me relax and I get to just let my fingers feel the pain. It's cool...

Lets Me bring up this party, I can sometimes be Cocky!! Outspoken as a person I have faults like everybody else. I'm not afraid to get on this blog and express myself because I live in the real world.

The real world is complex, ever changing and sometimes the ride is going to be bumpy. So far my path has been(there is that word again)nothing but potholes(LOL)a bumpy ride would be a "Good" thing right about now!!.

To all the people who sent my emails giving Me support!! Thank you so much, I'm here still writing and still posting for you. It's going to be a long weekend!!

Alot of footage to get and getting ready for the show, going over the staging! I'm sure Hustlaball is going to be insane!! I have to go to the WAKE first and then head over to Hustlaball. I have to get the show ready right???

Now somebody else would drop out of the show to handle Family business!!

Work distracts Me and its something I need right now, I have done my crying!! All weekend I have been quiet and keeping to myself. I let go of all the pain!!! I'm just trying to maintain and keep things moving.

How could I go from a Wake and then Host Hustlaball???

I have such a strong duality to my brain, I'm willing to go through the emotional pain of losing my grandfather. It will hurt, it will be nothing but tears and it will tear Me apart!! I will be tired and worn out.

Then the harsh reality of having to Host a Show on stage with a huge audience watching.....

Bam I will be slammed back into Reality of What Is Now!! There is a show of naked Men about to start and I have to play host. Life goes on, I was hired to bring my Personality and get onstage and Rock It!!

That is the only thing, that sucks about being in the entertainment business. You my Fans know that my grandfather passed!! I'm not happy!! But I will go to Hustlaball and turn out the Show!! Making sure I have a Strong Performance!! Cause the people in attendance will have no idea that I just came from a Wake!! They are only looking to be entertained!!!

You see this picture??


Look at my eyes!!! They are alittle bloodshot!! You know What that was from???? I believe about being honest on this blog!! Just look at my eyes!!!

Earlier I was "Crying"(If I smoked a blunt I would say so, real tears) on set because I had the worst panic attack on set. The Bi polar thing kicked into overdrive.....

As I said, I found out hours before a scene that the model I was suppose to work with, tried to use fake test results and wind up testing POS because he was tested before our scene.

I freaked out!! It was such a hard journey to get these two scenes together for the site! One guy backed out last min, some models didn't have the right look. It was coming down to the wire with the two scenes. This was the last straw!! I had a nice long cry....

I balled out!! I was with Howard and Gio and I just was brought to tears!! Howard was sensing that something was wrong!! Gio kept questioning the model about his test results, it wasn't stamped, had no address!! It just looked like a fraud!! Howard was like "Well lets have Him go Test"

Anyway....

I started crying because at that moment I was like "Wow" if it wasn't for Howard and Gio I would have put myself in a "Situation" My brain already moves 100 miles a minute, and I was about to breakdown. I wasn't worried about working with someone who is HIV POS..

Let Me make that known!! I have dated Men who were HIV POS

But...

The fact that he tried to use fake Test results, knowing that He was already HIV POS. He was told upfront that this site tests its models, why would he put himself in that situation anyway??

More so...

If you know the site tests, and the fake results are not working, and they are about to send you to testing.. Wouldn't that be the end of the matter?? Like okay okay... I lied! But No!!! They still go to get tested!! To confirm what they already know??
That is some scary stuff!!

Anyway!! I just thought I would reveal that to some people. Its weird because I look at the picture and say "Yeah I was crying that day!!Look at my eyes!!" But some of the fans are like "Hot Body" "Damn" "Looking Good!!"

Porn is funny sometimes!!

What does this have to do with going to a Wake and then to Hustlaball???

It doesn't matter What my eyes look like...As long as the body is on point the Show will go on regardless......

And you will like it..

Even if I'm emotionally drained..

OH I FORGOT!!

So this is from Suite703...since then I carved out the body alittle more...



This is the body currently...



I had to leave something for the Haters they bring a smile to my day.

To the constant supporters, readers, Fans..

Much Love!!!

I'm preparing for battle!!

Alot of hard work to get that stomach down!! Now step inside of my mental:

I got the waist down and the six pack is strong, there is indication of the mystery eight pac forming.

I currently changed my diet as I'm going into my bulkng stage of things. The body fat count is low and I can maintain that, while adding muscle. Time to pump up!! The major problem was the body fat count for Me. Adding muscle is easy, keeping good cardio and most important to maintain a healthy diet, and that was one of things I had problems with(late night snacks). All fixed!!

Because I'm a nut and concerned about my Character!! I should ask "You guys/girls the question??

Rather see me Bulky, or ripped up??

It's just a question...

PROPS!!

Good Vid Chip!!

It was entertaining!! It had a punch!!

Very Deep!!

From Youtuber to Youtuber it was good!!

KEEPING THE BRAND!!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My Grandfather passed away hours before I could get there....

I'm numb!!

I went to my old house and was swarmed with emotion, I grew up in this house. It was now empty!! My grandparents got that house 36 years ago!! That was the Family house!! So many thoughts and hard to type them so bear with me...

So many memories(bad and good)hit you like little flash backs, but it still felt like home. I ran away from this place at 19 and joined the military, I wanted to see the world!! I would come back once and while(once a year)and visit. It was like I didn't want to come back to the place, I felt drowned Me!

We were sooooo poor!! But like my grandfather says, At least you have a roof over your head!! And food in your stomach, We sat at the table and said Grace before We ate!! The resentment I had in my heart is gone. My grandfater was a cheater!!! But he provided for his family the best he could. He was a hard man, if you lived in his house YOU HAD TO GO TO CHURCH!! those are the rules!!! You did chores around the house, to earn your keep!! When he got up in the morning, the whole house had to get up!! No oversleeping!! There were things that had to be done!!

My memories of grandpa(good ones)You worked hard and took care of your family and never turned your back on any of your kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids. That is the strongest bond!! You could hate each other!! But you come to the table, held hands and said Grace and you ate like a family. He always had the biggest plate(of course) if you were family or friend of family you had to sit at the table and break bread . My grandfather always said "Shake a Mans Hand like you mean it!!" Big time treats in the house were, extra Kool Aid, Butter cookies or Tastey Cake cookies!! It was simple things like this that all the kids enjoyed.

We didn't have money so We had to "Make" treats.

We would take Grape Kool Aid, mix it, and make a Huge Pitcher(for drinking) but save some of the juice, so that We could pour in Ice trays to freeze for later that night(that was our icecream)It was cheap!! It gave all the kids a sugar rush and then We would watch TV, and crash when it was time for bed. Cut off time was 10pm no TV, you had to be in bed!! I lived with my father upstairs but I spent most of my time downstairs(That was where the food was, Heat)so I had to go by his rules until I was 13, I started working by then and guess for who(KFC,work and get food to bring home Duh!)...

I was the oldest grandchild, so I was under alot of pressure to be One in the family who made it(College degree)

I was very proud to have my Mother, Father, Grandmother(mothers side)and Grandparents(Fathers side)at my College graduation!! The look on my grandfathers face, that will be the memory I think about the Most! He had a grin from ear to ear, so did my Father!! All smiles!!! Seeing their faces, and when they looked at each other, and hugged each other, like that is my Grandson, that is my Son!! I felt amazing!!! I finally did something with my life, and seeing my Father and Grandfather together Happy!! That is a memory I have locked away that brings Me to tears!(Well not any more)

Its getting sloppy now, shaking writing this.....

Alot of emotions, I figured I would come here and write.

He kept telling Me when I was little kid "Yeah your going to be the one that does something" I thought I was a loser at the time!! I was 14 and so awkward looking, I grew 4 inches in one summer I wasn't feeling or looking great!!I was going through that funky stage, but my grandfather was still hard on Me. He would say "The only family member that got a college degree was your father!! My Kids have kids so they are not going back to school! Your the oldest grandchild. I know you will be the one that brings in a college degree, I will even give u 100 dollars for it, so I can put it on my Wall"

He displays proudly the accomplishments of his children and grandchildren. That was his shrine, his legacy, the thing he lived for... Seeing his family doing well....

I'm an asshole, I left the house when I could and tried to never look back. When I hit 19 it was bye bye. I was free!! I was tired of being poor, I was tired of never having money. I would always come back to the house(once a year) and give my little cousins all the change I had(I would bring extra). They would run to the store to get Now or Laters, or gummi fish! Always treats!! I was the lucky one that got away so I thought. No more nights wondering if there is food in refrig, sleeping in the cold. All the stress that I was holding in, and I had to let it go.......


Going back to that house, I see memories on the wall of a family that I don't recogize.....

Because I wasn't there......

I'm not in any of the pics because I was gone. I never came around, I missed births, birthdays, celebrations, I missed it all....

Because I wasn't there.....

My aunts and uncles are looking at Me like, We havent seen you in so long... We wondered What happened to you?? Was you alright??? Why don't you pick up a phone and call Us?

We are still your family and We love you!!

I don't know What to say??? I'm crying now because I DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE

I haven't been HOME since my grandmother passed in 2006. Yeah it has been a long time!! Why do I only go home when a relative passes away???. That is my home!!!That is the place where I was raised!!

I was scared to go back!! The place scared Me!! It brings Me back to a time, where My father wasnt home!! I wouldn't see him for weeks, no heat no food!! I didn't want to go back to that awkward little boy, who was boney and skinny. I was sick all the time, and since We had animals We had roaches, fleas, mice, flies and ants! The house was always crowded(that I didn't mind, belong only child)always family over!

I realize now, that I was running away from the things that haunted Me as a child. I don't have to run anymore!! I'm a big boy now!!!

Its funny, the house is still full of kids!! I see the little kids running around, (great great grandkids)they are running around the living room and I can see myself as one of the little ones running around when I was his age, I have a smile on my face because I was safe, I had a roof over my head, and food in my stomach.

It hurts!!!!

Why write this shit??? Why put it up here?? Because I'm a person!!!

I think the reason why you guys read this shit is because. It's real!! Its not about the Glam!!!

I'm hurting right now!! I didn't make it!! From talking to the family alot of people esp cousins didnt come to see him. My Uncle said "Your Grandfather doesn't blame them"

The truth of the matter, Grandpa was a hard man..

He had cancer, and it was eating away at him....

He didn't want to eat, he was in constant pain. He didn't want Us to see him like that. He was a hard man, my aunt told Me he lost so much weight!! He was weak and thin, I never saw my grandfather weak before.. He was a Man!! When grandma died, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time.

I think a piece of him died that day as well. He pushed through and kept fighting..

He was tired though, family said that He wanted to Go. He did all he could for his family. He was in too much pain to go on....

It was better that he go, he isnt in pain anymore....

Right???

This post is hard to write because I get hit with emotions and flashbacks that are good. Grandpa always said to me "U know your Grandfather loves you!"

"We are family, its just what you do!!"

"You don't turn your back on family"

"We don't have alot of money, but We have each other"

Sigh......


I'm at my house, and I'm sitting here thinking about the pics on the wall. Alot of history that I wasnt around for..........

I missed alot of Grandmas and Grandpas life when I ran away........

They had other family members to look out for....

I was grown!!!

When I did come home, Grandpa and Grandma would hug Me and say

You can always come home!!

I just wish It didnt take Me so long to come back.....


LOVE YOU GRANDPA AND GRANDMA!!!!

I think I will take a Photocopy of my Degree and put it on the Wall of Fame in his memory...

He would have wanted it that way...

I can't write anymore

no spell check no corrections










They raised 7 kids, who in turn had 29 kids(some they raised), who in turn had 64 kids(some they raised) so on....