Tuesday, October 05, 2010

My Grandfather passed away hours before I could get there....

I'm numb!!

I went to my old house and was swarmed with emotion, I grew up in this house. It was now empty!! My grandparents got that house 36 years ago!! That was the Family house!! So many thoughts and hard to type them so bear with me...

So many memories(bad and good)hit you like little flash backs, but it still felt like home. I ran away from this place at 19 and joined the military, I wanted to see the world!! I would come back once and while(once a year)and visit. It was like I didn't want to come back to the place, I felt drowned Me!

We were sooooo poor!! But like my grandfather says, At least you have a roof over your head!! And food in your stomach, We sat at the table and said Grace before We ate!! The resentment I had in my heart is gone. My grandfater was a cheater!!! But he provided for his family the best he could. He was a hard man, if you lived in his house YOU HAD TO GO TO CHURCH!! those are the rules!!! You did chores around the house, to earn your keep!! When he got up in the morning, the whole house had to get up!! No oversleeping!! There were things that had to be done!!

My memories of grandpa(good ones)You worked hard and took care of your family and never turned your back on any of your kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids. That is the strongest bond!! You could hate each other!! But you come to the table, held hands and said Grace and you ate like a family. He always had the biggest plate(of course) if you were family or friend of family you had to sit at the table and break bread . My grandfather always said "Shake a Mans Hand like you mean it!!" Big time treats in the house were, extra Kool Aid, Butter cookies or Tastey Cake cookies!! It was simple things like this that all the kids enjoyed.

We didn't have money so We had to "Make" treats.

We would take Grape Kool Aid, mix it, and make a Huge Pitcher(for drinking) but save some of the juice, so that We could pour in Ice trays to freeze for later that night(that was our icecream)It was cheap!! It gave all the kids a sugar rush and then We would watch TV, and crash when it was time for bed. Cut off time was 10pm no TV, you had to be in bed!! I lived with my father upstairs but I spent most of my time downstairs(That was where the food was, Heat)so I had to go by his rules until I was 13, I started working by then and guess for who(KFC,work and get food to bring home Duh!)...

I was the oldest grandchild, so I was under alot of pressure to be One in the family who made it(College degree)

I was very proud to have my Mother, Father, Grandmother(mothers side)and Grandparents(Fathers side)at my College graduation!! The look on my grandfathers face, that will be the memory I think about the Most! He had a grin from ear to ear, so did my Father!! All smiles!!! Seeing their faces, and when they looked at each other, and hugged each other, like that is my Grandson, that is my Son!! I felt amazing!!! I finally did something with my life, and seeing my Father and Grandfather together Happy!! That is a memory I have locked away that brings Me to tears!(Well not any more)

Its getting sloppy now, shaking writing this.....

Alot of emotions, I figured I would come here and write.

He kept telling Me when I was little kid "Yeah your going to be the one that does something" I thought I was a loser at the time!! I was 14 and so awkward looking, I grew 4 inches in one summer I wasn't feeling or looking great!!I was going through that funky stage, but my grandfather was still hard on Me. He would say "The only family member that got a college degree was your father!! My Kids have kids so they are not going back to school! Your the oldest grandchild. I know you will be the one that brings in a college degree, I will even give u 100 dollars for it, so I can put it on my Wall"

He displays proudly the accomplishments of his children and grandchildren. That was his shrine, his legacy, the thing he lived for... Seeing his family doing well....

I'm an asshole, I left the house when I could and tried to never look back. When I hit 19 it was bye bye. I was free!! I was tired of being poor, I was tired of never having money. I would always come back to the house(once a year) and give my little cousins all the change I had(I would bring extra). They would run to the store to get Now or Laters, or gummi fish! Always treats!! I was the lucky one that got away so I thought. No more nights wondering if there is food in refrig, sleeping in the cold. All the stress that I was holding in, and I had to let it go.......


Going back to that house, I see memories on the wall of a family that I don't recogize.....

Because I wasn't there......

I'm not in any of the pics because I was gone. I never came around, I missed births, birthdays, celebrations, I missed it all....

Because I wasn't there.....

My aunts and uncles are looking at Me like, We havent seen you in so long... We wondered What happened to you?? Was you alright??? Why don't you pick up a phone and call Us?

We are still your family and We love you!!

I don't know What to say??? I'm crying now because I DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE

I haven't been HOME since my grandmother passed in 2006. Yeah it has been a long time!! Why do I only go home when a relative passes away???. That is my home!!!That is the place where I was raised!!

I was scared to go back!! The place scared Me!! It brings Me back to a time, where My father wasnt home!! I wouldn't see him for weeks, no heat no food!! I didn't want to go back to that awkward little boy, who was boney and skinny. I was sick all the time, and since We had animals We had roaches, fleas, mice, flies and ants! The house was always crowded(that I didn't mind, belong only child)always family over!

I realize now, that I was running away from the things that haunted Me as a child. I don't have to run anymore!! I'm a big boy now!!!

Its funny, the house is still full of kids!! I see the little kids running around, (great great grandkids)they are running around the living room and I can see myself as one of the little ones running around when I was his age, I have a smile on my face because I was safe, I had a roof over my head, and food in my stomach.

It hurts!!!!

Why write this shit??? Why put it up here?? Because I'm a person!!!

I think the reason why you guys read this shit is because. It's real!! Its not about the Glam!!!

I'm hurting right now!! I didn't make it!! From talking to the family alot of people esp cousins didnt come to see him. My Uncle said "Your Grandfather doesn't blame them"

The truth of the matter, Grandpa was a hard man..

He had cancer, and it was eating away at him....

He didn't want to eat, he was in constant pain. He didn't want Us to see him like that. He was a hard man, my aunt told Me he lost so much weight!! He was weak and thin, I never saw my grandfather weak before.. He was a Man!! When grandma died, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time.

I think a piece of him died that day as well. He pushed through and kept fighting..

He was tired though, family said that He wanted to Go. He did all he could for his family. He was in too much pain to go on....

It was better that he go, he isnt in pain anymore....

Right???

This post is hard to write because I get hit with emotions and flashbacks that are good. Grandpa always said to me "U know your Grandfather loves you!"

"We are family, its just what you do!!"

"You don't turn your back on family"

"We don't have alot of money, but We have each other"

Sigh......


I'm at my house, and I'm sitting here thinking about the pics on the wall. Alot of history that I wasnt around for..........

I missed alot of Grandmas and Grandpas life when I ran away........

They had other family members to look out for....

I was grown!!!

When I did come home, Grandpa and Grandma would hug Me and say

You can always come home!!

I just wish It didnt take Me so long to come back.....


LOVE YOU GRANDPA AND GRANDMA!!!!

I think I will take a Photocopy of my Degree and put it on the Wall of Fame in his memory...

He would have wanted it that way...

I can't write anymore

no spell check no corrections










They raised 7 kids, who in turn had 29 kids(some they raised), who in turn had 64 kids(some they raised) so on....

6 comments:

Dre said...

My condolences Hang in there Dawg

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I was moved by your last two blogs. Sometimes we leave home and don't return because we have to work on ourselves. The love you have for your family didn't leave though, and I'm sure your grandparents knew that.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about this loss.....stay strong and know that you are loved!

Sue said...

Sincerest condolences on your loss. Family. Sigh. What can I say. Yours sounds loving, but your Granddad was a philanderer. My father was one also, but I loved him very much. He got Alzheimer's, then pancreatic cancer and I never visited him because I could not stand to see him all weak and thin. My family gave me hell for it. Bottom line: you can't win. You just live on. You know what you know and keep on living. You hope your loved one who has passed understands and knows that you loved them. It is all you can do.

http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/

Laurie (WJ) said...

Hi T..."We had roaches, fleas, mice, flies and ants!"...catching up..my condolences in a later post..Laurie

Laurie (WJ) said...

Hi T..about the "We had roaches, fleas, mice, flies and ants!"... one place we lived in also had snakes, land toads, BIG ants!!...termites...hornets...BIG spiders!...geckos...butterflies..scorpions...really big rats...not poor but an interesting place to live at the time....thanks to my Dad!!...Rgds...Laurie