Sunday, October 03, 2010

UH UMM...

Well..

I'm tired and worn out from the gym and long weekend. I just heard news that my grandfather(fathers side)is in a coma and it doesn't look good for him.

What to say and what to do?

When my grandmother passed it was(still)CRUSHING to Me!! I don't know how to feel about my grandfather, while I love him in the "family sense" I do resent him in some ways.

My grandfather while married to my grandmother was living a double life. He maintained a long term relationship with another woman. And the family(His children, grandkids)could not stand him for it. Our grandmother still stayed with this Man, TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER!! She dedicated Her life to taking care of the family. Wheter that meant, letting their grown children still live in the family house. Taking and adopting their grandchildren, because their Adult children was on hard times and could not provide for them. Opening up the house, to everybody because that is what family does. I learned so much from my grandmother!!She was Church going and was loved by everybody!! Fuck!!

I'm crying!! Writing this!! So if its not perfect...Fuck it!!

God I misss Her!!

We thought after all the things that were thrown at Her(Grandmother), We thought she would be the one that out lived grandpa. She would be free!! After all the years she dedicated Her life,raising her Kids, grandkids, and greatgrand kids. We did welfare, Church cheese(The Huge Block), Foodstamps. The house has caught fire,.. bah bah

We survived.

Now its his turn, the grandkids are not visiting him as much as We should and He is in a Hospital laying in a coma. I'm Numb!

He was a hard Man, he liked His Scotch and Pall Mall cigs. I don't remember much about his affairs, it was kept from the grandkids but We had our "Guess" My grandmother lived for this Man, she had his kids and her life was revolved around this man. She made him breakfast every morning as usual and packed his lunch for work. She was with him for sixty five years, and never cheated on him. She gave her life to the Family and that Man.

That is why We resent him!! He cheated on her!

But..

He reclaimed his life and devoted his time to the Church. He even became a Deacon!! That resentment is still there!! I have to go see him in hospital...

I don't really want to go...

Its so draining to see family members on their death Bed!! Coma! Coma!

I saw my grandmother in a coma, she was just taking a nap!! Fuck!!

Hard typing this shit!!! Fuck1!!

No spell check and writing from the fly...

I love my grandpa

It was fucked up what he did to grandma, she lived for you!! Man!!

But I will go and see you, and maybe I have to pay my respect!!! I saw the look in your face when Grandma passed and it was like you died...

I guess you realize what you had!! And what was taken from you!!

I will go see you Grandpa I love you!!

FUCK OFF HATERS IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!!

no checking this i just have to hit post

please give me support for this

9 comments:

Gigi said...

DW, I am so sorry to hear about your Grandfather, even though you have resentment, he is still part of you and you are in all your right to grieve...You are a better man for putting aside that resentment and going to see him. I was in a similar situation, I can honestly say I am glad I saw them...Hang in there....Gigi

Dre said...

Hang in there Dawg. Don't be ashamed of your feelings

Peace

antonio said...

mai feel ur pain during this time but what i have learnt is that forgiveness is so powerful i just sent an email to a friend asking for forgiveness it sets us free. B strong DW.

Trojan Gayle said...

Just read your post and i wanted say i understand your pain and i hope you find a way out of it. Life is what you make it and the legacy you leave behind..thanks for sharing....bless.

Trojan Gayle said...

sorry to read about your current situation. life is all about the choices and the effects that they have on others. i hope you manage to fin a way out of this darkness. life is way too short to be stuck in the past. move forward and be a better person...take care and bless!

Josh Slyman ~ ~ ~ ~ Gay Porn Star ~ ~ ~ said...

Hey man...

I'm sorry...

There's really nothing else to say.. I get where you're coming from.. Family is fucked up, pretty sure everyone has fucked up family stuff... You're strong, and I know you'll be okay... Right now it's fine to just feel what's happening.

I don't know what to say except that, what happened in the past has happened.. You'll hate yourself if you don't release some of that resentment for him, especially since he's not going to be around too much longer...

Best wishes man.. It's never easy

Make sure to call someone who cares about you later and just talk about this.. Do what you have to do to stay sane.

Anonymous said...

Diesel, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, but I'll tell you this. A lot of men from the "old school" who kept their families together while carrying on discreet affairs were better people than the ones who never cheated, but continually showed out in other more damaging ways. Also, the fact that he maintained a long-term relationship with one other woman versus whoring up and down the street is to his credit. You are right to cut the man some slack and see him. I hope things turn out for the best.

Anonymous said...

Diesel, take my suggestion for the 2 cents it is worth. Go and see him and try to make peace, if you can. This maybe the last chance you get to see him. You said you love him, remember he is only human! We tend to hold our parents/grandparents as superheroes; but they are human and make mistakes! Trust me when I tell you this, the only person to benefit from this is yourself. Stay strong in this time and God bless.

Laurie (WJ) said...

Hi T...I agree with the comments here about forgiving...to me outside your family it looks like your Grandma sorted it out in some way with her husband...I think we have to remember that parents and grandparents are people too and have their own lives...not for us kids to judge....I am impressed that he insisted on keeping his family together and that you were well brought up. Obviously proud of what he saw you achieve..my 2c worth..Regards...Laurie