This will probably be the most revealing post I have ever done!!!
Well lets get into it.....I looked over old posts and detected a certain tone to my writing. I have said before that I was Bipolar, but I think maybe People have laughed it off as nothing.
I was diagnosed with a Bipolar disorder, at the age of 22, I was going through depression stages and not knowing what was wrong with me?? It became very bad at one point and I sought the help that I needed. Through the years I have learned how to manage it, and still remain myself!!! Now I don't want People to think that I have thoughts of suicide(Its not that bad), my depression was more of isolation, sadness, anxiety, irritability.
Okay in a nutshell, I suffer from Cyclothymia a mild bipolar disorder, I go through certain episodes or phases and its alot to deal with. To understand, I go through certain moods and behavior:
Unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria); Extreme optimism; Inflated self-esteem; Poor judgment; Rapid speech; Racing thoughts; Aggressive or hostile behavior; Being inconsiderate of others; Agitation; Increased physical activity; Risky behavior; Spending sprees; Increased drive to perform or achieve goals; Increased sexual drive; Decreased need for sleep; Tendency to be easily distracted; Inability to concentrate
Difficulty making decisions; problems concentrating; poor memory recall; guilt; self-criticism; low self-esteem; pessimism; self-destructive thinking; continuously feeling sad; apathy; hopelessness; helplessness; irritable, quick temper; lack motivation; social withdrawal; appetite change; lack of sexual desire; self-neglect; fatigue or insomnia
At the same, I have long bouts where I'm normal and myself. I haven't told many people because most people would think I'm crazy..... But getting to know People in the Industry... some models have Panic attacks, suffer through depression and its just something U learn to deal with..
Before getting into Porn, I basically learned to deal with the problem and believe it or not the problem went away. When I first got into porn (2006) I may have went through an episode maybe once during that whole year. (2007) I had several episodes but I managed the problem. (2008)I had several more episodes, and a long period of depression.(2009)I'm having the toughest experience by far, I don't blame porn at all!! In fact I think Porn has helped me to remain Focused and gave me that drive and will power to work harder. If U read my posts about GayVn then that should give ya insight about my disorder.
When I came home from the Grabbys I was happy it was the best feeling of my Life!!! Weeks after, I slipped into depression and became isolated. I decided to retire because I was having more episodes than usual, and I was not a pleasant person to be around. Nothing made me happy, and I don't want to be around People when I'm not happy or outgoing!!!
Why am I telling this to the world????? I have been writing this blog for 4 years and it basically shows my ups and downs when I read it. Deep down I'm a nice person, but recently I have been nasty, and down right mean. I stay to myself, and keep a distance from people with bad energy. I like to surround myself with positive people who make me feel comfortable. My mood swings seem to be trigger by Users, Assholes, Fakes, Phonies. Instead of ignoring them and going about my own business, and I'm clashing with them and that is not a good thing.
My blog allows me to rant and vent which helps me deal with the disorder. Gives me an outlet for my emotions, Porn was good medicine for me. On set I was able to focus on the work because one of the Euphoric phase, when I became depressed I would use the blog to express my feelings and then stay away from people when depressed(I would use the fact that I'm a famous porn star so I can't go out)It all worked neatly for me, but then a big problem happened in 2009.
I turned 40years old and then started to have a Mid life crisis.....
Yes Diesel Washington is 40yr(Shocked???)I don't consider myself a Daddy!! I don't feel 40 I don't act 40 and I don't look like I'm 40!!! I'm retired now!!! Before I thought it was best that I didn't share my age with people. But I have a change of heart now!!! I made my name in this Industry!!! At 40!!!
But back to Mid Life crisis, seeing that the Industry is based on fresh faces and its all about youth and youthful appearances. My Anxiety kicked in double time. It was becoming harder and harder to remain sane. Think about it, working in a business when U have to have a Hot body, 8 pac and there is always someone younger trying to get Ur spot. Knowing the shelf life of a porn star is about a year....U have to be very lucky to continue in this business for as long as I have(alot of talent, and picking Ur roles)the pressure was alot to deal with. Maintaining the body, coming up with new positions, trying to outdo yourself with every role. It was hard and I needed a break!!
Anyway this blog was to show people that I'm human and have issues!! Yeah sure hot body, big dick, knows how to use it!! great performer bah bah bah
In reality this 40yr old, Nut Job, blew the roof off of Gay Porn!!!!
And I'm honest, I don't know how many Porn stars out there have the same disorder I have, but I know plenty of guys who fake it and act like they are not depressed or is somewhat borderline Bipolar.
At least I can admit it, I didnt turn to drugs, booze, bareback sex to escape the reality of being bipolar.
I deal with it everyday!!!
SO TO ANYBODY I WAS NASTY TO OR MEAN TO......I'm sorry!!!