Thursday, August 27, 2009

COMING CLEAN TO THE TABLE

This will probably be the most revealing post I have ever done!!!

Well lets get into it.....I looked over old posts and detected a certain tone to my writing. I have said before that I was Bipolar, but I think maybe People have laughed it off as nothing.

I was diagnosed with a Bipolar disorder, at the age of 22, I was going through depression stages and not knowing what was wrong with me?? It became very bad at one point and I sought the help that I needed. Through the years I have learned how to manage it, and still remain myself!!! Now I don't want People to think that I have thoughts of suicide(Its not that bad), my depression was more of isolation, sadness, anxiety, irritability.

Okay in a nutshell, I suffer from Cyclothymia a mild bipolar disorder, I go through certain episodes or phases and its alot to deal with. To understand, I go through certain moods and behavior:

Euphoric phase

Unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria); Extreme optimism; Inflated self-esteem; Poor judgment; Rapid speech; Racing thoughts; Aggressive or hostile behavior; Being inconsiderate of others; Agitation; Increased physical activity; Risky behavior; Spending sprees; Increased drive to perform or achieve goals; Increased sexual drive; Decreased need for sleep; Tendency to be easily distracted; Inability to concentrate

Dysthymic phase

Difficulty making decisions; problems concentrating; poor memory recall; guilt; self-criticism; low self-esteem; pessimism; self-destructive thinking; continuously feeling sad; apathy; hopelessness; helplessness; irritable, quick temper; lack motivation; social withdrawal; appetite change; lack of sexual desire; self-neglect; fatigue or insomnia

At the same, I have long bouts where I'm normal and myself. I haven't told many people because most people would think I'm crazy..... But getting to know People in the Industry... some models have Panic attacks, suffer through depression and its just something U learn to deal with..

Before getting into Porn, I basically learned to deal with the problem and believe it or not the problem went away. When I first got into porn (2006) I may have went through an episode maybe once during that whole year. (2007) I had several episodes but I managed the problem. (2008)I had several more episodes, and a long period of depression.(2009)I'm having the toughest experience by far, I don't blame porn at all!! In fact I think Porn has helped me to remain Focused and gave me that drive and will power to work harder. If U read my posts about GayVn then that should give ya insight about my disorder.

When I came home from the Grabbys I was happy it was the best feeling of my Life!!! Weeks after, I slipped into depression and became isolated. I decided to retire because I was having more episodes than usual, and I was not a pleasant person to be around. Nothing made me happy, and I don't want to be around People when I'm not happy or outgoing!!!

Why am I telling this to the world????? I have been writing this blog for 4 years and it basically shows my ups and downs when I read it. Deep down I'm a nice person, but recently I have been nasty, and down right mean. I stay to myself, and keep a distance from people with bad energy. I like to surround myself with positive people who make me feel comfortable. My mood swings seem to be trigger by Users, Assholes, Fakes, Phonies. Instead of ignoring them and going about my own business, and I'm clashing with them and that is not a good thing.

My blog allows me to rant and vent which helps me deal with the disorder. Gives me an outlet for my emotions, Porn was good medicine for me. On set I was able to focus on the work because one of the Euphoric phase, when I became depressed I would use the blog to express my feelings and then stay away from people when depressed(I would use the fact that I'm a famous porn star so I can't go out)It all worked neatly for me, but then a big problem happened in 2009.

I turned 40years old and then started to have a Mid life crisis.....

Yes Diesel Washington is 40yr(Shocked???)I don't consider myself a Daddy!! I don't feel 40 I don't act 40 and I don't look like I'm 40!!! I'm retired now!!! Before I thought it was best that I didn't share my age with people. But I have a change of heart now!!! I made my name in this Industry!!! At 40!!!

But back to Mid Life crisis, seeing that the Industry is based on fresh faces and its all about youth and youthful appearances. My Anxiety kicked in double time. It was becoming harder and harder to remain sane. Think about it, working in a business when U have to have a Hot body, 8 pac and there is always someone younger trying to get Ur spot. Knowing the shelf life of a porn star is about a year....U have to be very lucky to continue in this business for as long as I have(alot of talent, and picking Ur roles)the pressure was alot to deal with. Maintaining the body, coming up with new positions, trying to outdo yourself with every role. It was hard and I needed a break!!

Anyway this blog was to show people that I'm human and have issues!! Yeah sure hot body, big dick, knows how to use it!! great performer bah bah bah

In reality this 40yr old, Nut Job, blew the roof off of Gay Porn!!!!

And I'm honest, I don't know how many Porn stars out there have the same disorder I have, but I know plenty of guys who fake it and act like they are not depressed or is somewhat borderline Bipolar.

At least I can admit it, I didnt turn to drugs, booze, bareback sex to escape the reality of being bipolar.

I deal with it everyday!!!

SO TO ANYBODY I WAS NASTY TO OR MEAN TO......I'm sorry!!!

Thats it!!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Ed...Yep that's OK with me being bipolar ...you are some what lucky to have known for so long..I have told u b4 that you are in interesting bloke..mmmmmm another part to you in the mix...mmmmmm
...I am into making glass beads and a well known artists found out the sudden way last year or so that she is also bipolar...she does really good work..(Corina Tettinger) she may not want her name on your blogg but at least you know...and I am just sooo pleased that you are 40 YES!!....I am 53 or is that the one coming up..lol...the middle age thing is quite good btw..I was always skinny now I have a bit of bulk on the bod!! lol...I am still hoping to be able to get over next year and meet up/hookup with you.if that's ok with you... and I am not letting u off the hook I still want to be able to read your blogg as usual..Love Regards and support..Laurie, did I say I am so pleased you are 40..??!!! I am swinging from the rafters mate!!

senseofpeace said...

OMG! Man, I love your blog and think it is great that you feel free to share your emotions. I am glad that you let folks know that you are bipolar, and I hope you remember that each one of us has some extra "thing" that we deal with as we live each day, whether it be Tourette's sydrome, esteem issues, depression, etc. It seems like you are doing you the best you can. I respect you for it.

On a totally different note, you are super sexy and I cannot believe you are 40. Not that there is anything wrong with 40, but I do not know anyone who is 40 that looks as fine as you. Maybe I run in the wrong circles. What is your secret for maintaining your look? (Please do not say "good genes".) Whatever it is, keep it up. You are an inspiration.

Dre said...

Hang in there Diesel. You are the best.

Curio said...

Just goes to show you never know what people go through.

You deserve mcuh respect for sharing such an intimate part of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday Diesel. Welcome to the 4-0 club.

Chris... said...

Thank you so much for coming out and speaking on this subject. Many times the subject of mental disorders in the black community are forced to stay hidden. Although I don’t suffer for the disorder I know there are many who do suffer alone because someone may have told them they’re crazy or something. I also want to thank you for being so honest with your fans. Usually celebrities shy away from the subjects you tackle without a second thought. You’re an excellent role model and keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Washington,
So let me guess. Youre bored again, huh? While it may feel to you like you've revealed some great big secret, I was still waiting to read the part of the table you'd clean.

Not a porn fan of yours. I dont know if youre good or not as I've been any of your work. But I assume it must be good with the awards and such.

I applaud you for being you and entertaining the rest of us bored souls. I figured lon time ago there were some emotional instabilites there and that you werent a twink. Your post ending is most correct...Youre just human. Dont beat yourself up over it.
Be well.
Mike, Atlanta

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing Diesel, it really gives ppl a real insight into ur life, and it was very brave of u to share this with us.

Lots of love, Brad

Anonymous said...

Wow! What a profound statement. I'm writing because I've known a number of people with various bipolar conditions. I'm told that body chemistry changes late into one's thirties and that change can cause a need to reevaluate medicine to treat your condition. Perhaps you're experiencing that, and it would help to see your doctor about it. Well, that's my reason to write -- to share that possibility in case you haven't already been told that by people more knowlegeable than I. Best wishes.

Doodvid said...

I can empathise with a lot of this - never had it diagnosed professionally but can identify massively with what you have described.

Thanks for writing bout it cos actually it's helped me to see that it isn't just me bein "silly".

And fella - you are SO not looking your age :-)

ReggieH said...

I too have cyclothymia, and so understand very well what you have been and are going through. Medication and therapy has done wonders for me -- saved my life I think -- and encourage you to consider it.

BTW: things get better after 40!:) A lot of bull sh*t no longer seems important and just falls away...

NFLJockGuy said...

D!
After I turned forty, I made it my mission to look harder and hotter than I ever had before.. I've had more hot sex and dick since turn 40 than I ever had the years before that.. I think the air of confidence that we carry with us after 40 makes us that much more attractive and sexy to others! Keep it coming and keep it hard, bruh!

Anonymous said...

Dear Ed... totally agree with ReggieH "BTW: things get better after 40!:) A lot of bull sh*t no longer seems important and just falls away..."...man I am so pleased u are..I could relax now..similar age group etc.. Still hope to meet/hookup with you, accent and all..hehe...

Also wanted to say its **also** bipolar (rather than I am bipolar) just part of what we know and like of yourself mate..Love n regards...Laurie..

Anonymous said...

Dear Ed...when I get grouchy and agro it makes sex more energetic etc...better in some ways..I was wondering if you find the same thing out of that part/phase of bipolar??..I have found that being harassed at work u know gets u stressed but channelled it into good (read "nastie" I guess..not totally sure of the meaning there..ws etc. in fact) sex actually...wanted to make some good out of it if u get what I mean..Rgds..Laurie