Okay I'm in a pissy mood.....
If U don't want to hear it....then go to another blog cause this is nothing but Diesel in a bad mood.
I hate this relationship game. I'm single and not liking it at all, Why can't I find someone that accepts Me and likes me for my personality not just the dick. It makes Me crazy(which is easy to do)that I can't find a single person that wants to be serious in a relationship Geez. From the game players, the Curious, Users, Co Dependents, and the Jealous types. I have admitted that I'm not the easiest person to get along with....
But God Damn!!!! I have worked hard to change my thinking and I accept everybody else with all the baggage they bring, bad habits, bah bah bah.....
But U fans have no clue what I have been through.......... Let's talk honest here:
I remember the first time I was in Love.....I was stationed over seas in Germany and came to dating this Polish and German girl. She was great, easy to talk to and just wanted to spend time with Me....it didn't matter what We did as long as We were doing it together.... When my time was done with the Military, I went State side to handle all the family business and tell people I was relocating to Germany. I spent two weeks in NYC and left her to handle business in Germany. I was receiving calls from Germany from My girlfriend saying everything was okay....At the same time I was getting calls from friends saying that My girl was hanging out at various Military bases flirting around.....Ignored it.
I go back to Germany to make a new life for myself.... The day I arrived, I kissed my girl and was happy to see Her. We spent some quality time together that night and then I had to leave to get things in order(at the time I was a drug dealer, this was 1993)I came to U.S. for supplies and needed to start selling(I needed as much money as possible)Now I guess alot of People are missing the story. When I came back to Germany I was going to Live with Girlfriend and her parents, I hated the idea that I had to live with Her parents, so I was out to make as much money as possible.
I come back to the house later that night, she was gone. I speak German so I asked her parents where did she go???? They had no clue where she went, instead of sitting and waiting for Her to return, I went back out to get more sales. I called the house every hour to find out where she went, they had no clue. That night I crash at my friends place....... to make a long story short I didn't hear from her in Two weeks time. I refused to go back to the house, her parents didn't know Me well enough and I felt that I didn't belong in that household. So I'm in Germany and Homeless....... It was hard!!! I didn't see her again until 2years later(more about that later)
So the first person I ever loved left me homeless in Germany and it was a horrible experience for Me.....I never trusted anybody after that!!!
Moving on...... I was dating a few girls at the time but nothing serious........ then I made a change.
I was curious about guys but never acted upon it, I was dating this Bi sexual girl at the time and she told Me I should experience everything life has to offer.
Okay.....I was introduced to a Brother(Lite skinned African American)and we started to experiment(Kiss, Pet bah bah). I mean I had no clue what to do, I didn't know If I was a Top or Bottom.....and he even asked Me "Are U more of a Passive person, or Aggressive???" I had no clue what He was talking about..... I thought for a second and seeing that I like to lead rather then follow I said "I'm Aggressive" he smiled and said "Thank God" from that moment on I knew my role. I knew nothing about the Lifestyle and at the time he taught Me everything!!! I didn't know how to kiss guys or hangout with guys, I didn't know anything at all..... I really clinged onto this guy and he was my Guide into this Lifestyle. And I was abused for it!!!!!!
I remember calling him on the phone and planned to meet him in the city one day. He was driving at the time and I decided to meet him by the Staten Island ferry(Manhattan side, I lived on Staten Island at the time) I saw his car across the street from the Ferry, I went up to the Car, but He drove off(thinking He didn't see me)I went running behind the Car, yelling for him to stop but the music was playing and he had his friends in the Car as well. Two blocks later he finally stops, I go up to the window and was like "U didn't see Me man I was running after ya???" He said he didn't see Me and was only going around the block to look for parking. Needless to say since that day, he continued to treat Me badly, said I was clingy and a newbie and He didn't want to waste any more time with Me!! Ouch!!!
I ran into one of his friends that was in the Car that day......and He told Me the real story........ The day I went running behind my Ex's car, My Ex knew I was behind him.......He kept driving to see how many blocks I would run for Him(it was a bet with his friends)!!! And He told his friends he was just using Me for Sex and He understood that he was my first sexual experience with a Man....He just didn't want to be bothered with a relationship at the time and he didn't know How to break up with Me!!! Ouch!!! I was Crushed!!! My first experience with a Man and He dumped Me on the phone a week later. I dated him for about a month. From that experience I was forever jaded by Guys........ I became very Aggressive and turned into a Asshole...... I was played hard!!! So I became a Player!!!
Now that I became a Player.....I started using guys for sex.....I noticed that older guys were attracted to Me and started offering Me money. So I went from a Player to Hustler and started making money....... It was a dirty lifestyle...but I made alot of money in a short time, but I wasn't focused at the time and Hustling guys for money was kinda of sketchy....... So I upgraded from a Hustler to a Escort........
But this post is about relationships so back to that.....at the time I was escorting I still lived on Staten Island, I became obsessed with this Str8 boy(Latin)We were friends(Good friends)and I started to fall for him. I was so confused, I didn't want to lose the friendship so I kept my distance. One drunken night, I made a mistake and kissed him(His Gf broke up with him and he was crying)He kissed Me back to my surprise....but then We passed out and didn't talk about what happened for weeks. Nothing really changed between Us and We remained friends(he even started dating this other girl)we remained close and then I started to fall in love with Him!! It was the worst feeling ever!!!Falling for someone who didn't want ya!!!Hurts!!! My friend came upon hard times and lost his job and his parents asked him to leave their house........He asked to crashed at my place(and I was happy to help out)this is where the problems happened....... I was a good friend to him. He asked if his girlfriend could stay the night(I was so jealous of Her)I said I didn't mind(I did) I had a one bedroom apartment and the couch in the living room was a sofa bed. So to my disgust, there was the guy I liked in my house...Fucking some Chick on my sofa bed!!! I didn't like that at all...
We were such good friends and got along as roommates so I learned to deal with all the girls he brought over to the house. We had threesomes and orgies(no action between Us)and I shut down the Gay side of Me. Then one day it happened, I couldn't take the constant girls running around the apartment. I sat him down and talked to him directly I said " I like you, not the way U think, I think I'm in love with Ya" He sat there looked in space and said "I like You too, but I don't think I'm gay Man!!!" "But I will try to do it with Ya because Ur my best friend" I felt like Dog shit!!!! But I wanted Him so Bad!!! I started to blow him.......He couldn't get hard!! Ouch!!!! Here I was with my best friend at the time and I got what I wanted!!!!But it was dirty!!!! The only reason he played with Me was because We were Best friends!!! I felt like a douchebag, the guy I wanted to be with so bad......only let Me blow him because he didn't want to lose Me as a friend...and he trusted Me. He was not Gay or Bi sexual at all......... but he got naked with Me because I was his friend and he trusted Me..... I felt like a piece of trash. Two weeks later He got a job and got back on his feet, he moved out a month later. We are still friends to this day..... But that taught Me a lesson!!! I knew I wanted someone I could be friends with but at the same time I wanted a Lover!!! The guy I wanted was clearly Heterosexual(Even to this day)I was hurt big time........it sucks because it caused distance in Our friendship to this day...
I soul searched alot after this.....I even went back to dating Women again. I had several relationships with women but nothing lasted....We either grew apart or it didn't work out between Us(cheating, money issues bah bah)I was a Mess, I was living the DL lifestyle and I hated it...
Then came Jose......... I really liked this kid. He was good for Me and we had great times. The only problem with Jose, he didn't work........I would work from 7am to 5pm doing construction and He would sleep all day and do nothing... He dropped out of school by 8th grade...and just was living off welfare and section 8....I wanted him to do more......He escorted here and there...but He didn't want to do anything with his life. I couldn't take it, I stayed with him for year and in that time he never had a job or wanted to get one. I then found out He was cheating on Me with his best friend(I thought was best friend)I came home early to find them in bed together...... Now its not as bad as U think...when I found them in bed together I merely walked into the room got undressed and fucked them both!!!! Needless to say the trust was not there and a week later I dumped him!!!
I started dating another Bi sexual chick, and it was short lived!!! She wanted to do threesomes with other girls....the only problem.....She didn't want Me to mess around with the other girl..... So basically I was getting Half a girl to play with while she got a dick and pussy to play with... Selfish Cunt!!!! She dumped Me for the girl I set her up with.......Fucking Cunt(more about that later)
Then there was John........I met John late night in the city, he was cute as fuck but at the time he was talking to a drag queen.... I grabbed the opportunity when the drag queen went into a store for smokes. I talked to him and he was interested in Me...when the drag queen came back... he excused himself and left with Me. We had the best relationship U could ever have.......he had a dark secret though...... He was a Dope head!!!!
About a month into the relationship, I noticed he started to change. We had a complex relationship(he had a girlfriend at same time)I was seeing him during the weekends and then I started seeing him less and less. He told Me he wanted space and thought his girlfriend might be pregnant.... the fucking drama!!! It turned out that she wasn't pregnant at all, then more problems.......He received a phone call which would change Our relationship for the worst. One of his best friends from Upstate NY committed suicide(drug overdose)when he went back home, he changed. I had my own problems at the time......I lost my place(long story) and was living out of my Jeep at the time. But it was Diesel and John against the world at this point, I got him into escorting and We were making about three thousand each weekend from it. We had hopes and dreams of getting a place together...and We were making the money(even though we were living in a Jeep at a rest stop off the West Side Highway)but then it happened......I noticed him Nodding off when talking to Me and then I knew He was high on Heroin again.....I confronted him about it and he denied it. It happened when he went home...the friend that killed himself was his drug buddie....he got together with the rest of his friends and toasted him(By using Dope)and he relapsed. It got messy when he started missing clients or falling asleep on clients. Then He went missing for three days........I couldn't find him and he wasn't answering his phone... He was trying to kill myself.......the suicide really shook him up. He took every drug out there Heroin, Crack, Coke, LSD, Weed, bah bah in the attempt to take his life.
To make the story even worse......I found out that he was on Parole for his drug offenses and was seeing a parole officer twice a month(He stopped going when We got into a relationship)at this point I loved this Kid......When his friend died he was out of control......he went missing for three days just drugging up and trying to kill himself. The money we saved for an apartment (almost five thousand dollars) was gone!!!! After the three days of drugging, he got into contact with Me and I ran over to get him. He was sitting on a street corner, nose bleeding, nodding off, and throwing up all over the place.... He looked like he was dead!! I jumped out of my car and ran over to him on the street and he opened his eyes and said "I'm sorry" I rushed him to New Jersey rented out a hotel room and took care of him for three days..... During those three days, I slept with him in bed when he started having Night sweats, pissing in the bed and throwing up!!! I sat him in a tub and washed his body when he was shaking and crying....waiting for the drugs to come out of his system. At night, he would shake all over and I would cuddle him and then he would wake up look up at Me and tell Me he loved Me and then he would fall back to asleep in my arms. When We needed money, I would go out and do some clients that way I could pay for the hotel(I had no place) and buy Us food...... I would feed him soup and sandwiches to get some food in his stomach.... I had to nurse him back to health because He was due to see his parole officer very soon(put it this way he drugged for three days, I had three days to nurse him back to health because He had to go to his parole officer that same week) So basically on Thursday he fell off the wagon, I found him on Sunday.....Sunday Thur Wednesday I nursed him back to health so He could see his parole officer that Wednesday afternoon.... From Sunday to Wednesday I didn't leave his side(only to do clients when We needed money)spoon fed him and massaged him(cramps and tightness from the drugs)and washed him(He couldn't walk). I drove him to his parole officer and he passed the inspection. I was tired and worn out from the situation, I drove him back home(2hours distance from Me to his Mothers house)and left him under his mothers care(his Mom had no clue about his drug abuse)....... Things got better and he even found a job, waiting tables.
Then from there he fell off the wagon yet again......but I wasn't there for him this time(I wanted to be, I had to work) and he was caught with drugs on him!!! Which was a violation of his parole and He was sent to jail to finish his time. He was locked up for 7 months, and I was getting 5 letters from him(per week)in his letters, he was saying he loved Me and when He got out that We would be together again(I saved his letters and we burned them when He got out)... Upon his release........he surprised Me in the city, I didn't know when he was going to be released but I received a call from a mutual friend that said John was out and looking for Me. We connected again.......I was ready for his release and had two thousand dollars saved, to get him some clothes and a phone, so We can stay in contact. He started waiting tables again and got his life in order.........I loved him and wanted to see him more...but he was working so much....I thought he didn't want Me anymore......He surprised Me with a Diamond ring and a poem(Mushy shit I know).....My heart was his.......then one week later he was caught with drugs on him(again) and sent back to jail.....he was taken from me again.....I died when He left........ I couldn't take this Co Dependency anymore.........I shut the door on the past and tried to move on......but I still loved him(more about that later)
Now Im a jaded asshole........I was escorting and it was all about the money. No hookups just money....I didn't trust anybody and I didn't want to date anybody....If it wasn't about money I could care less.....
I then met Paz(ISRAELI)that's why I laugh at M.L., I dated an Israeli and even tried to learn Hebrew. Paz was an escort himself and worked on various websites(Show guys, Chelsea guys)and He was a porn star(Now Ur getting the Idea why I got into Porn)I loved him....He taught Me so much about the business.....I learned first hand, How to run an escort company.....How to Promote......the right way to escort.....and I learned first hand about the Porn Industry!!! Paz had control issues, and I was living in his house, Paz dumped Me because He thought I was going to leave Him for a younger guy(He was wrong)Paz was alot older than Me and he was insecure(more about that later)so I was crushed yet again!!!
Then probably the worst relationship ever!!!! David!!!! when I was dumped by Paz, David came into my life.......He was alot younger than Me, in school and he had goals and plans for the future. He was super smart, and we spent alot of time together......this relationship lasted for almost 4years....... I cheated on him.......I felt that I wasn't getting the attention that I needed and looked for replacements. It costed Me the best relationship I ever had!!!! I was selfish and destroyed the only relationship that was truly special.......David was and is my soul mate!!! Even when I get upset or have a bad episode(Bi polar)David has a way of finding Me...talking to Me and I feel so much better having someone that understands Me for a change.....
But David is older now........he has matured and moved on. He keeps in touch with Me but doesn't love Me anymore????.....We don't hangout(for fear of getting back together)and We only talk online.........I think he still loves Me but he knows it will never work out again.....and He has too many things going on in his life right now!!!!
So I'm cursed everyday to know that I found my Soul mate but I fucked it up by beening selfish....... I have to live with that for the rest of my life!!!! I meet people everyday and nobody gets Me!!!! David was the only one that understood Me, He knew what I was thinking and we didn't have to talk, He could read my mind and know what I was thinking.....
I messed that up BIG TIME!!!!
Now to finish up the blog..........
The German and Polish girl, tried to reconnect with Me two years after she left Me homeless in Germany......she came over to the United States looking for Me saying that I had a Son(Yet she had no pictures of the child so I don't believe that crap) When she came to visit Me here in the States, I left her in the house while I went out and had fun with friends as a payback to her(revenge is sweet)Dropped her at airport and drove off....
John the Dope head, I saw him recently in the city........He is clean and sober now!!! But He put on like forty pounds of fat and went back to girls.
Jose I talked to him online....he finally went to Job corp got a skill and trade......but he moved away to Florida and Our lives are just different now!!!
Paz moved back to ISRAEL and quit the porn biz for good!!!
The Latin guy from Staten Island.....fucked up his life.....he was charged with Having Sex with a Minor(He was 19 at the time and she was 16) and was brought up on charges....... He is working and We talk every now and then......Not as tight as We used to be though.
The Bi Sexual chick who dumped Me for the girl I set her up with.........She got dumped by the girl I set her up with.....The girl I set her up with...dumped her because she started to be clingy and wanted a relationship with Her. She is Bi sexual and wanted only fun.......My ex wanted a girl on girl relationship....So it feels good to see what comes around goes around!!!
Why did I write all of this??????? because Most People think I'm this monster with no feelings!!! I want to be loved like every body else!!! I have my own baggage but I learned to deal with it and showed that I have alot of love to give someone!!!!
I'm just lonely now!!!And I needed to vent.....I havent wrote a post that was revealing in a long time so there U have it........
Most People think I'm this Player and fuck em and leave them sort of guy. Most guys are turned on by the fact they think I'm a player......Less to deal with and no strings attached....
But I have always wanted more......and I have been walked on, abused, I have been in several Co dependent relationships and when most guys find out that I'm sensitive and looking for love......... they are turned off big time. Because Im not that Human Dildo that they wanted......or that Sex God that wants to fuck everything in sight......It's a good front though!!!! But that's not Me at all!!!
I used to be that shallow asshole that based everything on looks.......After the years being in porn I have learned that.... People have all these ideas about What Diesel is????? Diesel Washington is a character that I play!!!
The Editor is alittle different......alot more sensitive, Teddy Bear and a lonely bastard!!!
