Tuesday, October 20, 2009

IN A PISSY MOOD!!! DON'T READ THIS

Okay I'm in a pissy mood.....

If U don't want to hear it....then go to another blog cause this is nothing but Diesel in a bad mood.

I hate this relationship game. I'm single and not liking it at all, Why can't I find someone that accepts Me and likes me for my personality not just the dick. It makes Me crazy(which is easy to do)that I can't find a single person that wants to be serious in a relationship Geez. From the game players, the Curious, Users, Co Dependents, and the Jealous types. I have admitted that I'm not the easiest person to get along with....

But God Damn!!!! I have worked hard to change my thinking and I accept everybody else with all the baggage they bring, bad habits, bah bah bah.....

But U fans have no clue what I have been through.......... Let's talk honest here:

I remember the first time I was in Love.....I was stationed over seas in Germany and came to dating this Polish and German girl. She was great, easy to talk to and just wanted to spend time with Me....it didn't matter what We did as long as We were doing it together.... When my time was done with the Military, I went State side to handle all the family business and tell people I was relocating to Germany. I spent two weeks in NYC and left her to handle business in Germany. I was receiving calls from Germany from My girlfriend saying everything was okay....At the same time I was getting calls from friends saying that My girl was hanging out at various Military bases flirting around.....Ignored it.

I go back to Germany to make a new life for myself.... The day I arrived, I kissed my girl and was happy to see Her. We spent some quality time together that night and then I had to leave to get things in order(at the time I was a drug dealer, this was 1993)I came to U.S. for supplies and needed to start selling(I needed as much money as possible)Now I guess alot of People are missing the story. When I came back to Germany I was going to Live with Girlfriend and her parents, I hated the idea that I had to live with Her parents, so I was out to make as much money as possible.

I come back to the house later that night, she was gone. I speak German so I asked her parents where did she go???? They had no clue where she went, instead of sitting and waiting for Her to return, I went back out to get more sales. I called the house every hour to find out where she went, they had no clue. That night I crash at my friends place....... to make a long story short I didn't hear from her in Two weeks time. I refused to go back to the house, her parents didn't know Me well enough and I felt that I didn't belong in that household. So I'm in Germany and Homeless....... It was hard!!! I didn't see her again until 2years later(more about that later)

So the first person I ever loved left me homeless in Germany and it was a horrible experience for Me.....I never trusted anybody after that!!!

Moving on...... I was dating a few girls at the time but nothing serious........ then I made a change.

I was curious about guys but never acted upon it, I was dating this Bi sexual girl at the time and she told Me I should experience everything life has to offer.

Okay.....I was introduced to a Brother(Lite skinned African American)and we started to experiment(Kiss, Pet bah bah). I mean I had no clue what to do, I didn't know If I was a Top or Bottom.....and he even asked Me "Are U more of a Passive person, or Aggressive???" I had no clue what He was talking about..... I thought for a second and seeing that I like to lead rather then follow I said "I'm Aggressive" he smiled and said "Thank God" from that moment on I knew my role. I knew nothing about the Lifestyle and at the time he taught Me everything!!! I didn't know how to kiss guys or hangout with guys, I didn't know anything at all..... I really clinged onto this guy and he was my Guide into this Lifestyle. And I was abused for it!!!!!!

I remember calling him on the phone and planned to meet him in the city one day. He was driving at the time and I decided to meet him by the Staten Island ferry(Manhattan side, I lived on Staten Island at the time) I saw his car across the street from the Ferry, I went up to the Car, but He drove off(thinking He didn't see me)I went running behind the Car, yelling for him to stop but the music was playing and he had his friends in the Car as well. Two blocks later he finally stops, I go up to the window and was like "U didn't see Me man I was running after ya???" He said he didn't see Me and was only going around the block to look for parking. Needless to say since that day, he continued to treat Me badly, said I was clingy and a newbie and He didn't want to waste any more time with Me!! Ouch!!!

I ran into one of his friends that was in the Car that day......and He told Me the real story........ The day I went running behind my Ex's car, My Ex knew I was behind him.......He kept driving to see how many blocks I would run for Him(it was a bet with his friends)!!! And He told his friends he was just using Me for Sex and He understood that he was my first sexual experience with a Man....He just didn't want to be bothered with a relationship at the time and he didn't know How to break up with Me!!! Ouch!!! I was Crushed!!! My first experience with a Man and He dumped Me on the phone a week later. I dated him for about a month. From that experience I was forever jaded by Guys........ I became very Aggressive and turned into a Asshole...... I was played hard!!! So I became a Player!!!

Now that I became a Player.....I started using guys for sex.....I noticed that older guys were attracted to Me and started offering Me money. So I went from a Player to Hustler and started making money....... It was a dirty lifestyle...but I made alot of money in a short time, but I wasn't focused at the time and Hustling guys for money was kinda of sketchy....... So I upgraded from a Hustler to a Escort........

But this post is about relationships so back to that.....at the time I was escorting I still lived on Staten Island, I became obsessed with this Str8 boy(Latin)We were friends(Good friends)and I started to fall for him. I was so confused, I didn't want to lose the friendship so I kept my distance. One drunken night, I made a mistake and kissed him(His Gf broke up with him and he was crying)He kissed Me back to my surprise....but then We passed out and didn't talk about what happened for weeks. Nothing really changed between Us and We remained friends(he even started dating this other girl)we remained close and then I started to fall in love with Him!! It was the worst feeling ever!!!Falling for someone who didn't want ya!!!Hurts!!! My friend came upon hard times and lost his job and his parents asked him to leave their house........He asked to crashed at my place(and I was happy to help out)this is where the problems happened....... I was a good friend to him. He asked if his girlfriend could stay the night(I was so jealous of Her)I said I didn't mind(I did) I had a one bedroom apartment and the couch in the living room was a sofa bed. So to my disgust, there was the guy I liked in my house...Fucking some Chick on my sofa bed!!! I didn't like that at all...

We were such good friends and got along as roommates so I learned to deal with all the girls he brought over to the house. We had threesomes and orgies(no action between Us)and I shut down the Gay side of Me. Then one day it happened, I couldn't take the constant girls running around the apartment. I sat him down and talked to him directly I said " I like you, not the way U think, I think I'm in love with Ya" He sat there looked in space and said "I like You too, but I don't think I'm gay Man!!!" "But I will try to do it with Ya because Ur my best friend" I felt like Dog shit!!!! But I wanted Him so Bad!!! I started to blow him.......He couldn't get hard!! Ouch!!!! Here I was with my best friend at the time and I got what I wanted!!!!But it was dirty!!!! The only reason he played with Me was because We were Best friends!!! I felt like a douchebag, the guy I wanted to be with so bad......only let Me blow him because he didn't want to lose Me as a friend...and he trusted Me. He was not Gay or Bi sexual at all......... but he got naked with Me because I was his friend and he trusted Me..... I felt like a piece of trash. Two weeks later He got a job and got back on his feet, he moved out a month later. We are still friends to this day..... But that taught Me a lesson!!! I knew I wanted someone I could be friends with but at the same time I wanted a Lover!!! The guy I wanted was clearly Heterosexual(Even to this day)I was hurt big time........it sucks because it caused distance in Our friendship to this day...

I soul searched alot after this.....I even went back to dating Women again. I had several relationships with women but nothing lasted....We either grew apart or it didn't work out between Us(cheating, money issues bah bah)I was a Mess, I was living the DL lifestyle and I hated it...

Then came Jose......... I really liked this kid. He was good for Me and we had great times. The only problem with Jose, he didn't work........I would work from 7am to 5pm doing construction and He would sleep all day and do nothing... He dropped out of school by 8th grade...and just was living off welfare and section 8....I wanted him to do more......He escorted here and there...but He didn't want to do anything with his life. I couldn't take it, I stayed with him for year and in that time he never had a job or wanted to get one. I then found out He was cheating on Me with his best friend(I thought was best friend)I came home early to find them in bed together...... Now its not as bad as U think...when I found them in bed together I merely walked into the room got undressed and fucked them both!!!! Needless to say the trust was not there and a week later I dumped him!!!

I started dating another Bi sexual chick, and it was short lived!!! She wanted to do threesomes with other girls....the only problem.....She didn't want Me to mess around with the other girl..... So basically I was getting Half a girl to play with while she got a dick and pussy to play with... Selfish Cunt!!!! She dumped Me for the girl I set her up with.......Fucking Cunt(more about that later)

Then there was John........I met John late night in the city, he was cute as fuck but at the time he was talking to a drag queen.... I grabbed the opportunity when the drag queen went into a store for smokes. I talked to him and he was interested in Me...when the drag queen came back... he excused himself and left with Me. We had the best relationship U could ever have.......he had a dark secret though...... He was a Dope head!!!!

About a month into the relationship, I noticed he started to change. We had a complex relationship(he had a girlfriend at same time)I was seeing him during the weekends and then I started seeing him less and less. He told Me he wanted space and thought his girlfriend might be pregnant.... the fucking drama!!! It turned out that she wasn't pregnant at all, then more problems.......He received a phone call which would change Our relationship for the worst. One of his best friends from Upstate NY committed suicide(drug overdose)when he went back home, he changed. I had my own problems at the time......I lost my place(long story) and was living out of my Jeep at the time. But it was Diesel and John against the world at this point, I got him into escorting and We were making about three thousand each weekend from it. We had hopes and dreams of getting a place together...and We were making the money(even though we were living in a Jeep at a rest stop off the West Side Highway)but then it happened......I noticed him Nodding off when talking to Me and then I knew He was high on Heroin again.....I confronted him about it and he denied it. It happened when he went home...the friend that killed himself was his drug buddie....he got together with the rest of his friends and toasted him(By using Dope)and he relapsed. It got messy when he started missing clients or falling asleep on clients. Then He went missing for three days........I couldn't find him and he wasn't answering his phone... He was trying to kill myself.......the suicide really shook him up. He took every drug out there Heroin, Crack, Coke, LSD, Weed, bah bah in the attempt to take his life.

To make the story even worse......I found out that he was on Parole for his drug offenses and was seeing a parole officer twice a month(He stopped going when We got into a relationship)at this point I loved this Kid......When his friend died he was out of control......he went missing for three days just drugging up and trying to kill himself. The money we saved for an apartment (almost five thousand dollars) was gone!!!! After the three days of drugging, he got into contact with Me and I ran over to get him. He was sitting on a street corner, nose bleeding, nodding off, and throwing up all over the place.... He looked like he was dead!! I jumped out of my car and ran over to him on the street and he opened his eyes and said "I'm sorry" I rushed him to New Jersey rented out a hotel room and took care of him for three days..... During those three days, I slept with him in bed when he started having Night sweats, pissing in the bed and throwing up!!! I sat him in a tub and washed his body when he was shaking and crying....waiting for the drugs to come out of his system. At night, he would shake all over and I would cuddle him and then he would wake up look up at Me and tell Me he loved Me and then he would fall back to asleep in my arms. When We needed money, I would go out and do some clients that way I could pay for the hotel(I had no place) and buy Us food...... I would feed him soup and sandwiches to get some food in his stomach.... I had to nurse him back to health because He was due to see his parole officer very soon(put it this way he drugged for three days, I had three days to nurse him back to health because He had to go to his parole officer that same week) So basically on Thursday he fell off the wagon, I found him on Sunday.....Sunday Thur Wednesday I nursed him back to health so He could see his parole officer that Wednesday afternoon.... From Sunday to Wednesday I didn't leave his side(only to do clients when We needed money)spoon fed him and massaged him(cramps and tightness from the drugs)and washed him(He couldn't walk). I drove him to his parole officer and he passed the inspection. I was tired and worn out from the situation, I drove him back home(2hours distance from Me to his Mothers house)and left him under his mothers care(his Mom had no clue about his drug abuse)....... Things got better and he even found a job, waiting tables.

Then from there he fell off the wagon yet again......but I wasn't there for him this time(I wanted to be, I had to work) and he was caught with drugs on him!!! Which was a violation of his parole and He was sent to jail to finish his time. He was locked up for 7 months, and I was getting 5 letters from him(per week)in his letters, he was saying he loved Me and when He got out that We would be together again(I saved his letters and we burned them when He got out)... Upon his release........he surprised Me in the city, I didn't know when he was going to be released but I received a call from a mutual friend that said John was out and looking for Me. We connected again.......I was ready for his release and had two thousand dollars saved, to get him some clothes and a phone, so We can stay in contact. He started waiting tables again and got his life in order.........I loved him and wanted to see him more...but he was working so much....I thought he didn't want Me anymore......He surprised Me with a Diamond ring and a poem(Mushy shit I know).....My heart was his.......then one week later he was caught with drugs on him(again) and sent back to jail.....he was taken from me again.....I died when He left........ I couldn't take this Co Dependency anymore.........I shut the door on the past and tried to move on......but I still loved him(more about that later)

Now Im a jaded asshole........I was escorting and it was all about the money. No hookups just money....I didn't trust anybody and I didn't want to date anybody....If it wasn't about money I could care less.....

I then met Paz(ISRAELI)that's why I laugh at M.L., I dated an Israeli and even tried to learn Hebrew. Paz was an escort himself and worked on various websites(Show guys, Chelsea guys)and He was a porn star(Now Ur getting the Idea why I got into Porn)I loved him....He taught Me so much about the business.....I learned first hand, How to run an escort company.....How to Promote......the right way to escort.....and I learned first hand about the Porn Industry!!! Paz had control issues, and I was living in his house, Paz dumped Me because He thought I was going to leave Him for a younger guy(He was wrong)Paz was alot older than Me and he was insecure(more about that later)so I was crushed yet again!!!

Then probably the worst relationship ever!!!! David!!!! when I was dumped by Paz, David came into my life.......He was alot younger than Me, in school and he had goals and plans for the future. He was super smart, and we spent alot of time together......this relationship lasted for almost 4years....... I cheated on him.......I felt that I wasn't getting the attention that I needed and looked for replacements. It costed Me the best relationship I ever had!!!! I was selfish and destroyed the only relationship that was truly special.......David was and is my soul mate!!! Even when I get upset or have a bad episode(Bi polar)David has a way of finding Me...talking to Me and I feel so much better having someone that understands Me for a change.....

But David is older now........he has matured and moved on. He keeps in touch with Me but doesn't love Me anymore????.....We don't hangout(for fear of getting back together)and We only talk online.........I think he still loves Me but he knows it will never work out again.....and He has too many things going on in his life right now!!!!

So I'm cursed everyday to know that I found my Soul mate but I fucked it up by beening selfish....... I have to live with that for the rest of my life!!!! I meet people everyday and nobody gets Me!!!! David was the only one that understood Me, He knew what I was thinking and we didn't have to talk, He could read my mind and know what I was thinking.....

I messed that up BIG TIME!!!!

Now to finish up the blog..........

The German and Polish girl, tried to reconnect with Me two years after she left Me homeless in Germany......she came over to the United States looking for Me saying that I had a Son(Yet she had no pictures of the child so I don't believe that crap) When she came to visit Me here in the States, I left her in the house while I went out and had fun with friends as a payback to her(revenge is sweet)Dropped her at airport and drove off....

John the Dope head, I saw him recently in the city........He is clean and sober now!!! But He put on like forty pounds of fat and went back to girls.

Jose I talked to him online....he finally went to Job corp got a skill and trade......but he moved away to Florida and Our lives are just different now!!!

Paz moved back to ISRAEL and quit the porn biz for good!!!

The Latin guy from Staten Island.....fucked up his life.....he was charged with Having Sex with a Minor(He was 19 at the time and she was 16) and was brought up on charges....... He is working and We talk every now and then......Not as tight as We used to be though.

The Bi Sexual chick who dumped Me for the girl I set her up with.........She got dumped by the girl I set her up with.....The girl I set her up with...dumped her because she started to be clingy and wanted a relationship with Her. She is Bi sexual and wanted only fun.......My ex wanted a girl on girl relationship....So it feels good to see what comes around goes around!!!

Why did I write all of this??????? because Most People think I'm this monster with no feelings!!! I want to be loved like every body else!!! I have my own baggage but I learned to deal with it and showed that I have alot of love to give someone!!!!

I'm just lonely now!!!And I needed to vent.....I havent wrote a post that was revealing in a long time so there U have it........

Most People think I'm this Player and fuck em and leave them sort of guy. Most guys are turned on by the fact they think I'm a player......Less to deal with and no strings attached....

But I have always wanted more......and I have been walked on, abused, I have been in several Co dependent relationships and when most guys find out that I'm sensitive and looking for love......... they are turned off big time. Because Im not that Human Dildo that they wanted......or that Sex God that wants to fuck everything in sight......It's a good front though!!!! But that's not Me at all!!!

I used to be that shallow asshole that based everything on looks.......After the years being in porn I have learned that.... People have all these ideas about What Diesel is????? Diesel Washington is a character that I play!!!

The Editor is alittle different......alot more sensitive, Teddy Bear and a lonely bastard!!!

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yo. I feel your pain but most of all I thank you for your story. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who have gone through and is going through crazy shit only to want to relax with that special someone. I act very happy also. I date hot guys and chill with hot friends but I am lonely for someone who is all mine. Thanks again. Maybe there is hope for us!
Gary

cnstarz928 said...

I sat down to read your blog, and I can understand what you're going through. Just realize that there is someone out there in this world exactly for you, and you might have to wait and wait but eventually it will come to you. In the meantime don't lose that person you are inside and that big heart that he is protecting. One day there truly will be someone who will protect it and care for it all for you.

Ray Avito said...

In an effort not to sound hackneyed, let me just say, I enjoyed this post.

Anonymous said...

That was as REAL as it gets. I never doubted you were a teddy bear at heart. Most of you "big" kats are puppy dogs. but it's very moving to hear you speak so plainly.

Thanks for being so forthcoming.

An admirer from afar

Jannx said...

Wow, one of the best (if not the best) blog entries. It was very revealing. Thanks for sharing.

David said...

What a very touching story, you opened your heart and soul up let a lot of bad situations, and anger from your mind. I wish I had that much courage, I hold all of the hurt and rejection and bad feelings inside of me. It has made me very untrusting person, and unwilling to let down my walls that I have built up over the years. I don't trust people either for the fear of getting hurt and rejected. I hope that one day I can find my soulmate so that I can love and live life to the best of my abilities. Thank you for opening up to us today. Good luck finding a person worthy of you.

David Flot, Joliet Ill.

David said...

What a very touching story, you opened your heart and soul up let a lot of bad situations, and anger from your mind. I wish I had that much courage, I hold all of the hurt and rejection and bad feelings inside of me. It has made me very untrusting person, and unwilling to let down my walls that I have built up over the years. I don't trust people either for the fear of getting hurt and rejected. I hope that one day I can find my soulmate so that I can love and live life to the best of my abilities. Thank you for opening up to us today. Good luck finding a person worthy of you.

David Flot, Joliet Ill.

Richard said...

Wow. Just wow.

You are one STRONG dude - I do not even think YOU realize how strong you are - and I do not mean physically, which of course you are, but emotionally.

By the way, I read your other post. I know you are working out a lot, but I think you look hotter with a few extra pounds.

Cleaved Soul said...

Thank you for sharing as always Diesel. You let us into such a private part of your life and as a fan i want to say just how much i appreciate it. Fuck the haters u look great, but do what u feel u got to do, don't worry about them. Love's hard bi-polar or not, I hope that u find someone that gives u what u need emotionally and spiritually, so you can find your balance with ur physical aspect.

Much Love,

Brad

Durant said...

Mr. Washington. Everyone else feels your pain but me. I don't watch or like porn so I haven't seen any of your movies...but I have ran into the blogs. You are an interesting character. So, you went through some heartbreak..we all have...you are not special in that way. The way we handle things is a whole 'nother story. You are a porn actor/model (whatever) so that is gonna make it harder for you whether you like it or not...it's the life YOU chose so don't get all whiny about it. I do hear porn folks saying it's hard for them to date because of their profession...ugh DUH! By reading your blog I see that Diesel Washington character gets too much airplay. When you say stuff like " I wanna fuck -" who in the hell is gonna think you could possibly want a serious relationship...escorting and doing threesomes? I ain't judging you but it is what it is. You want somebody to love you for you and not your "dick" then give them you and stop giving up yo dick so much...if they ain't interested then FUCK EM...not literally. You gotta give to people what you want in return and know that everybody ain't gonna accept it. You keep being an asshole then don't get all mad cuz folks treat you like one. The past is supposed to teach you a lesson...you have 2 options...learn from it and move on...or continue to cry about it and blame the world. Even after reading this blog...I am 28 years old and think you still don't know heartbreak...like I do. I have slept with 1 person in my whole life...folks tell me how great that is but none can imagine what hell I get when it comes to dating...but I have made a choice to be me at all times. You ain't ready for love so get it all together...then it will come to you. Peace!

D

chase517 said...

Well i found your blog, and thanks for talking me today on AIM. I read your blog about relationships. I understand more now about why you thought the way you do about my schooling, and I hate school now so its okay. Thanks for expressing your emotions in such a raw and honest way. Hopefully I will talk to you soon.

Hussanyc said...

Wow bro that was very deep- sorry

Anonymous said...

Hi T....well that was kinda alot of stuff....weird coincidence is that you and Flex Deon-Blake both were in the military in Germany...both had 1st male sex experience there..both have big dicks so that rules that issue out...he mentioned to me by email once that he's into fisting so perhaps you two should hit each other up..... Rgds..Laurie

Anonymous said...

Hi T..... just thinking on "big dicked" guys I have met...that 1st reaction thing can be a two way one...give him a chance to get past it then if he doesn't then order of the boot...also noticed some BD blokes get very self conscious of being so...you cant get past the wall of what they expect your reaction to be...they end up being a furious little island behind barriers....one bloke I recall wasn't self conscious of his BD..seemed to be proud of it or just a normal thing to have and we just got on with it.. after the 1st look try saying "hello" etc. to break the ice a bit..be normal one of the guys..FYI...Rgds...Laurie

ToddyEnglish said...

Thank you for your honesty!
Sometimes it is really good to vent. That post will be very beneficial to you in the future simply because you'll be able to refer back to it and see where you went wrong.
Anyway, I loved that post. Whether you know it or not you are a warm and caring soul.
Admittedly, I prejudged porn stars as being shallow exhibitionists...However, through your blog I've found you to be quite the opposite. You are a very genuine and sincere man and you'll find that right person for you.

Cheers! =0)

Darrin J said...

Tjo! You have big balls for putting yourself out there like that. As an occasional reader, I appreciate the human element you added this time. Actually, I skim your blog looking for it and now you have an entire post dedicated to your pathway to now.

Know this: men are fickle creatures. Having two men join in a relationship...both must be committed to seeing its success or things fall apart quickly.

Maybe you will meet someone or maybe you won't. But it looks like you have mad love and respect for yourself which increases your standards but drains the dating pool.

Just do what you do and the Universe will take care of the rest.

Anonymous said...

i think that when you give up your porn career and escorting you might have a better chance at a good relationship...i personally would not want a pornstar/escort as a boyfriend..and being single isn't that bad as long as you are happy with yourself

RicMikey said...

WOW is all I can say papi.....This post is very powerful & very heartfelt. As I continued 2 read your post, I felt all the pain, the love, the loss u went through.....LOVE is somethin that is hard 2 find, but once found can be the most amazin experience. Just be patient papi, u will find your soul mate once again! It will take time.....But u r worth everythin u put out there! LOVE/a relationship is what we all want.....I myself am still waitin! HIT me up sometime pa, we should chill & hang out!

RicMikey said...

I would love 2 get 2 know the real Editor.....

Sir-Yellow-Bone? said...

I’m sorry to hear about your heart being crushed so many times but I have a feeling it made you into the man you are today. A man that knows the true value of what it means to be loved and appreciated simply for all things un-tangible. Things like trust, honesty, character. I couldn’t help but see me in a lot of what you have written and I think that you should consider getting a book deal. I mean you never know you might somebody that can handle all of you, the whole you, and nothing but the truth! People fail to realize that you’re human and have feeling just like everybody else in this world. Regardless, I wish you the best in your quest brotha!

Anonymous said...

Yikes.

First Off, I NEVER leave comments on blogs. I don't believe that a comment is going to change or alter the situation in one's life unless they do it themselves. But, I HAD to leave a comment to let you know I have more respect for for you than E-V-E-R!!!
That was the THE most heartfelt, brutally honest,revealing post from you (or ANY "blogging pornstar") EVER!
I'm a 40 YO African American gay male looking (?) for someone of my own, running into the same 'ol bullshit GBM's run into (be "Mandingo Man",cheated on, be the "side thang", "'Sorry, I Just Don't See You THAT Way'"), and I have a FUCKIN' NEWFOUND RESPECT FOR YOU!!(not hatin', but I always thought you were a nutcase oreo!!)
I saw ME in that post (never had the drama, though; mine was minimal),and I only hope for the best for you, and to find "that one" (like your buddies Damien & Francios)that will see YOU, NOT "Diesel". Honestly, if you're feeling this way, I suggest you hold off on the "comeback". I know it's tempting to be "back in the game", but remember, it's just that...A GAME.
Loneliness is a Mofo, but when you dig you, others will see that, and see.....YOU.

Sorry for the long post...I was just bowled over by the honesty!

Keep Strong,Kid.

Anonymous said...

All have to say...THANK GOD you posted this!

I like you more because of it.

Maybe the alone time is good--because you've dedicated your life of pursing the one; and in this time frame you really haven't devoted any time to yourself.

Being single might be a good thing for you.