Tuesday, June 16, 2009

THE HATERS WON ROUND 1!!!! by the editor

Okay lets get it over with.......I am no longer in a relationship.

Go on Haters!!send me the emails and comments saying U told me so...I didn't deserve love...I'm dirty....god knows the stupid shit that will come my way in the form of the emails/comments. Fucking bullshit haters!! U won this round!!

I was caught off guard.....I came off the Huge win(Grabbys)!!! I was overwhelmed with excitement and then days after Heavy Depression!!

Okay here goes:

The Main goal I ever had since 2005 was to be The Best Performer in Porn!!! Money motivated me at first... then it was to be the Top African American performer.... then it was the work...then the awards. I will be honest, I wanted that recognition and what better way to get that??? Winning the award.!! The Plan, I was to come up with the Name(Diesel Washington), Concept, Image, Blog, Performances...Every fiber in my body craved the end result, I knew my body had to be twice as good as my White counter part. I would also have to work harder, promote myself, do the wildest appearances, write scripts, open my life, give up my privacy basically sell my soul to this industry Bah bah bah bah(U know this) I got it!! The Excitement stage!!

Then Depression set in....that goal that motivated me so hard is what kept me pushing and pushing. I drew energy from the haters, fans, models and bloggers that pushed me and gave me that extra steam. It's done!! Where to go now???

Enter The Lover D:

I will try to explain this.......

I put too much energy into making something happen with this person. Since 2005 my focus was on Diesel Washington...Diesel Washington. When I met D(lover), I put my total focus on this person....I became Needy, Clingy, and Control Freak(not in the way u think). I kept trying to fix problems that weren't there... Added to that D was not the person they claimed to be.

I was lied to over and over...

I put my heart on the table and opened my life to D, I was honest about my Issues, being geeky and somewhat of a Manchild bah bah bah..... I was dead honest. I wanted to make sure they knew exactly what was in store for them. There were slight issues of the Public persona(but not enough to cause a problem in relationship)they were comfortable with the porn, escorting and flirting. What killed the closeness??? The feelings that we had???

Personality......D I have to tell you this directly!! I know U reading my blog rite now, U were waiting for this post to drop!

Ur selfish!! U said things to me to win Me over!! I jumped hurdles for ya!! U lied to me over and over!! U saw me as Arm candy and a trophy! I have emotions and feelings..all of which U could care less about! It was all about You!!! Ur passive aggressive nature was quite upsetting to me. The ability to make a decision is easy, and u lacked that ability. What hurts the most was the lies. U claimed to be different than everybody else, but in fact U were the same. Another liar, another person to play with my emotions and led me on. But what hurts the most?? U left me confused?? Usually people use me for sex(but we didn't have any)u used me for a trophy??

Is that what I became?? A trophy??? I was only wanted by You because other people wanted me!! That is insane!! At first I didn't see the signs, telling all Ur friends that I did porn(I didn't want that), U loving the feeling of being stared at(at bar or on the street),and asking over and over if u think people recognized Me. I should have seen it, U wasn't in love with me, U were in love with the fact that U were dating Diesel the arm piece.

I will tell what hurt the most, when we went to Pop(pop art store) in Philly. U picked up a replica of one of Salvador Dali's pieces, I said jokingly "Is that the same guy that does the melting clocks" U looked up at me rolled Ur eyes and said "U mean Salvador Dali" "He is my favorite artist" and the name of the painting is bah bah bah bah. What I saw in Ur eyes wasn't the look of "Let me enlighten my partner" it was like that was a dumb statement and that I embarrassed you in front of the art dealer. That hurt!! I'm not the smartest person in the world and rite there I felt low and worthless because I don't have a strong knowledge of Art. I'm not an artist like yourself. I didn't go to school for Art design so that world is foreign to me. A person that cared for me wouldn't have made me feel like that. I knew the art work, I just didn't know his name at the moment, but I was familiar with the Piece. Thanks for that. Its instances like that, that made me feel uneasy. I don't have a vast knowledge of books, art, and classical music, but I wanted to be exposed to that culture. I wanted to learn, not be talked down to because I didn't have knowledge of it. In elementary school, I was a jock and played basketball, ran track and football. I wasn't home schooled and the artsy type in school like U was.

Anyway I hope U feel bad...I wont text ya anymore. I want nothing to do with ya.....Remember what I said to ya!!! I opened my heart to you and never lied to ya, u lied to me about Who U were, U pretended to be someone that I wanted to be with, and that's the worst Lie U can use on me! U didn't want me being Diesel around ya, at the same time u played a character that U thought I wanted, just to keep me around for Arm candy. U played on my emotions by saying u Loved Me. I am guilty of being naive and a hopeless romantic but the smoke is gone I see U for what U are now!!

I hope U read this post, its all about U baby!!! Ur a liar!! User!! And game player!!!

Ur family issues is what destroyed this, I didn't abuse ya!! Ur grandmother did!! I showed ya compassion and understanding!! All I got back was Diva Attitude, and an attitude like u deserve someone to wait for ya while u resolve Ur issues sexually and emotionally. Sorry Buddy, but I'm fucking Nuts myself but at least I can admit it. Ur running around like Ur shit don't stink.


U can do alot of dirty shit to me and I would accept you with wide arms, the things I will not tolerate, being lied to, and talked down to because I'm not as knowledgeable in things of interest of my partner(I thought I would be enlightened not made to feel inferior).

I thought opposites attract....I think they do but not when one has a uppity attitude and uses me as a Arm piece!!

Ur trash go play Ur piano and think Ur this great guy, but Ur socially awkward dont know how to treat people U like (because Ur grandmother fucked ya up)so go back to being that third wheel hanging out with friends.

Isn't it strange that all Ur friends are in relationships and Ur still single???? U disapprove of all Ur friends relationships because of some stupid reasons. It is that they are happy with their partners and Ur still single???? Guess U want relationships with Ur friends but get mad when they ditch ya to be with their partners. Ummm Duh?????? Ur a friend when they have Lovers and sorry buddy, the Lovers will always win over the friends. Friends are just the ones that are there to pick up the pieces when things go wrong.

So go back to Ur friends and tell them U fucked this Up!! Oh wait I met all Ur friends and they all like me!!

So to D's friends that may be reading this...Ur friend needs help he doesn't know how to treat people and he is kinda of a Douche Bag!!!


Anonymous said...

Was this D a white boy? Just wondering.

Anonymous said...

Jeez Diesel, I'm really sorry about this...I don't read your blog or anything but a friend told me it was interesting so I read it and it is very interesting Diesel! I do feel for you man! Everyone needs someone to talk to, so if you want to talk to me or anything don't be afraid to hit me up!

RicMikey said...

I'm so sorry 2 hear that papi.....2 be lied 2 & made feel like crap is a feelin that we both can share.

But u r intelligent, sexy as hell & very well spoken. Any man would be lucky 2 have u in his life. U need 2 be treated right & loved in every possible way. I wish I could make u feel better.

HIT me back sometime pa! Hopefully I can find u on rentboy, so we can chill?!?!

JNez said...

wow. these last two posts were so honest and revealing i have to catch my breath. you are indeed an intelligent man able to seek wisdom and implement it into your life. it's unfortunate that the relationship didn't work out. but airing out your feelings & perspective in a non-confrontational way is really cathartic. i am sorry for your losses but i feel confident that you will rebound, stronger and wiser like you always do. please keep writing...

Ray Avito said...

Damn, that sucks. Good you found out sooner rather than later. And seriously, if there's one thing I can't stand is someone attempting to talk down to me.

Steve in Dallas said...

Haters didn't win, The Editor won. You found out what you were dealing with before you got in too deep. The haters only win when you become one of them.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this was a very interesting blog entry. Unfortunately, not for what you might have wanted to achieve. You've expose a lot more about yourself than you probably should have. You seem to live in emotional extremes, or that could just be what I'm picking up from your blog entries. In one entry you are deeply in love with your lover, then the next blog you're out of love and hating the lover (in what seems like moments ago you were praising).

Sorry for your loss Diesel. The only suggestion I have is to take comfort in those things (and people) that keep you grounded.

Oh, and you might want to put your blog entries on a 3~5 day draft folder filter. Meaning? Continue to write your blog entries as you do(when the moment and the situation moves you), but instead of posting the entries then and there, save them to your draft folder. Let them sit in your draft folder for 3~5 days (or longer). After you have a reserve of 3 or 4 postings in a queue(line), resume posting in sequential order. Blogging and saving will give you the comfort of venting, but the 3~5 day delay will give you some reflection time. Having several blogs in your draft folder gives you some options in the event you don't want to post one.

I hope something I wrote was useful for you.

lotsan_701 said...

hello diesel,
i read your post. i feel sorry for you because i know what you're feeling right now... i already met that kind of guy and to put the story short : it was awful !! the lies, personalities, situations, etc... all of it were wrong and i felt like totally "abused"... it was hard to move on and i hope you can do the same. good luck and forget that moron, he did'nt deserve you in the first place.

James said...

We love you Diesel. Everyone is human. You & the ex. Best wishes for you going forward!

Anonymous said...

Letter to the Editor,

Good grief Mate!!...sorry to hear that...well from my little experience in relationships (bombed out a couple of times here recently) ...taking it slow seemed to work better.doing things a bit at a time meant lower risks less to loose if it didn't turn out.. I guess being in your position you have to "filter" out those types of blokes... don't really know how u do that though..check out with other blokes in your position ie high profile they must have run into the same problems etc....mmmm u must have run into that at school as a jock etc..hangers on??? Any way regroup focus on day to day stuff and another door opens u know :-) ....Rgds Laurie

Anonymous said...

get over it..love hurts sometimes..dont let him build up all that hate in you..let go..go on...

D (another d not the d in the post)