Thursday, March 04, 2010

THE REAL TRUTH

I tried to block out the situation but I cant.....


I tried the "Dallas Method" and I think that is not fair to Jeremy or the situation.

We both made mistakes, but this is my blog so I will speak about my mistakes. On paper it was the perfect match, both multi bloggers, both escorts, both pornstars and We both have our "own issues"

I had the chance to think about everything, and I see the mistakes I made(took Me a Min to see it though)I was too controlling, too selfish, and We both can agree that We moved entirely too fast.

Think about it, I have been in the porn business for several years and I have been an Escort for several years and I have been a blogger for several years. I have a ton of experience, and know alot of things. Jeremy is new to the porn business, new to escorting, and has been a blogger for a shorter period of time than I have. In a nutshell, I wanted to take charge of his porn career, escorting and the whole bunch. I didn't take into account, that he has to find his own way into the business. He must be allowed to make his own mistakes, I just wanted to protect him is all......

This business is alittle shady, If you fall off a cliff and hit every rock on the way down and survived. When you see the person that you care for deeply, stepping on that same cliff(ready to jump into this business), wouldn't you want to warn them about the danger???. In doing so, I came off too harshly, too realistic and I see that now. I was overprotective, and you can't do that with an emerging talent even if it's someone that you care about. More lessons to learn..

Now this will be hard for Me to say, but I was a selfish motherfucker!!! I found the person that shared so many of the same interests as Me and I didn't want to share him!!! Simple as that!!! I got caught in the Double Standard,, I couldn't see sharing him with Clients, Studios/Websites and all the Fans that he has. I wanted to keep him to myself, I found someone that made Me happy and I didnt want to share. It's strange because I think We both felt this way. We wanted our own relationship, but without losing ourselves(We have different personalities) in the process and it couldn't work.

I think it was harder for Me, because I don't think I could handle seeing him doing scenes with other Tops while We were dating. I know it sounds strange, I want people that I date, to accept the fact that I want to do porn and make my name larger than life. But at the same time, I felt uncomfortable when Jeremy wanted the same thing??. Me feeling uncomfortable made Jeremy feel uncomfortable, and it translated into our blogs and escort work. I always say the best bloggers/escorts are the ones that are single and lonely. The writing is full of passion, and the tone of the posts are different(more edgy, funny)*sigh *sigh

I still think Jeremy is one of the best bloggers that does porn out there. Seeing his writing style and thought process and how he puts his posts together was inspiring. Coming up with posts day after day, is hard!! We enjoy putting the posts together in the end though. Great writer.

I have no evil words for Jeremy, he is as nice and sweet in person as he is on Twitter. Being lucky enough to date him was indeed an honor. Smart, Witty and just the cutest little puppy you could ever meet. It still hurts writing this......

Things happen for a reason.....


So what is the count?????? I was dumped by an ex because I wanted to do porn. Now I have lost someone because THEY wanted to do porn(On their terms)It has come full circle, another added Joy!!LOL

This sucks!!!

Well at least the posts will be better and I now have no distractions, so the climb to the top continues......

I will use this little setback in the gym big time!!! Life moves on, but now it will move at a slower pace than usual. I never talked on Skype for 12hours with anyone before and it would seem like only 10mins went by.

I will Miss that!!!

****sigh****

P.S.

For the Fans of this blog understand, this was not a publicity stunt. It wasn't to get attention or promote(In a way)I had real feelings for Jeremy...

I feel the need to post this because it was an experience that I went through. Call it Drama or whatever but this was my experience. I share this with the world because I'm human. I'm not photoshopped, not censoring myself, no fake tans, or special effects. Just my experiences, from trying to get into the Porn Industry, Up and Downs, the people I have met.

TMZ has nothing on Me!!

I see all these porn stars writing books, about their experiences in porn. My book is right here with pics, Vids and journals.

Almost five years of writings and memories on this blog, all true with pics to prove it!!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Here's the real problem Disel. You have not fully matured in balancing what you feel in your groin, to what you feel in your heart and what you feel in your head. The older you get if you mature you start moving your decision making based on your heart and your head. Your partner is probably still at the groin level (and your were probably a fantasy or what you portray on film).

It was good while it lasted.

Anonymous said...

I know this must be a very disappointing turn of events for you, but sometimes I think relationships are easier to manage when the other person is not o the (exact) same line of work that you are in. The competitive pressure are too great. Better to find someone that you have something in common with, but still have enough differences to complement each other, not compete with each other. I'e never believed in the "power couple" set up.

Anonymous said...

My brotha you have an ego and even bipolar systems because you are trying to evolve into something that is even your imagination can conceive.

Your trying to be the biggest porn guy in the world and that is so limited given your obvious talents and creativity.

Your blogs evoke emotions and I think that is so awesome and super talented. Your not perfect and you need love like everyone else. But, you are an awesome talent.

Anonymous said...

Another breakup!?

You are a nobody.

What hurts more: 1.knowing he was with a bigger dick, 2.seeing it pleased him more?

jdverte said...

hat you can use this blog to kinda objectively look at the relationship and it's results...and yeah sometimes you can be too much the same ...a difference here and there sparks things..

Cloud said...

Damn diesel, that suks, sorry I haven't been commenting on your blog, I have been cought up with school, and my video games, lol. But anyone that reads your blog can tell that you were really feeling this guy. It really sucks that ya'll broke up like that, I would say that you can try still being friends, but that can at times be a really awkward situation. I say just throw yourself into your work, or something that you really love until you are more ok with the situation.. hope you feel better.