Big Shout Out to Ricky Sinz for wining Best Porn Star blog at the 2010 Grabbys. I had an old Vid of Me and Ricky that I want to re post here it goes:
Ricky tells it like it is and I love him for it!!! No bullshit str8up realness!!!
Okay I haven't spoken his name since We broke up!! Jeremy Feist there you have it!!! My ex(if you could say that LOL) We didn't go into the story of what exactly what happened!! I think its time here goes:
I have a controlling nature, I liked Jeremy so much that I wanted to control his career and I wasn't comfortable with the whole idea of him being a bottom in the Industry(He was my boy I didn't want to share). I became so aggressive with him Verbally, I think I scared him away!!! He took for the hills running and I cant blame him. I have been lonely for a long time and I fell for the kid, I remember we were on Skype for 18hours str8 one day. I cried with him, laughed with him and I grew highly attached to him.
The mistakes keep replaying in my head over and over. I freaked out once when We were driving because We were lost. I guess I didn't have a chance to tell him that I hate being lost. I mean I hate it!! It makes me feel powerless that I can't find my way home or find a place that is safe for Me. I was the kid that got lost in amusements parks, lost in the mall, lost in woods. I would fall to my knees and start crying because I felt alone and scared!!! Yes I was that kid that had Park rangers looking for Me. I had Mall security bring Me to the Lost and Found Office and my Mom had to be paged to come to Lost and Found to get her son. This happened more than several times when growing up. To this day I have anxiety attacks because of it, I shake and become loud and just a mess. I'm sure He got an ear full from Me when we were driving around lost.
One of the worst mistakes was picking on his insecurities, we all have them!! In my attempt to make him stronger, I wasn't building him up and supporting him. I was tearing him down and bringing his insecurities to light even more. In my mind I was preparing him for the harsh world of haters out there. Wrong tactic!! And when I realized that it was too late!!
I guess the worst mistake was going on and on about him throwing out my ganja. Ouch it was an hour(or longer)lecture about throwing out my stash. Yikes!!!!
Why am I telling you all of this??????
I have noticed that this problem continued in my other relationships. I want to change badly, but I didn't know what the problem was. Finally I found the key to the problem. More or less...
I Personal Train, do porn, and escort, all those areas of work are based on Looks, Sex and the body!! I'm heavily engaged in the sex trade and having sex is like changing socks to Me(I'm serious) My sexually side gets plenty of attention, but my Romantic/Emotional side gets nothing.....
So when I see that someone is interested in me more than a sexual nature. My Romantic and emotional side run wild and I become attached quickly. I really believe that I'm starved Emotionally/Romantically....
So much that I often get confused with the emotions that are running through Me because its been a long time since I have been with someone that I wake up in the morning to. And even if that happens, the thoughts that run through my mind are:
Are they interested in Me more than just sex??
Are they trying to use Me for something???
Will they like the real Me??
Am I into them more than they are into Me??
I know it sounds stupid, and probably makes no sense to you. But it makes sense to Me!!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I still read Jeremy's blog www.notesonbarnapkins.blogspot.com and I miss him!!! He has been going through alot of stuff lately with an operation. Moving in with parents and he probably doesn't know that I still think about him from time to time. I miss those days of excitement bro....*sigh
I had to bring back Our breakup Vid, its kinda of funny watching it because it mirrored real life...
I feel that Jeremy is the future of the Porn Star bloggers, Grabby people if your listening I think Jeremy needs to be nominated for Best Porn Star blogger for 2011 he's a smart writer, makes good observations about things, and hes just funny!! He is well rounded with witty posts, personal info, and I find that he always stays ahead of the pack!!
Not to leave this post on a Sad note, I really think I'm going to die alone in this world. I have alot of work to do on myself and I'm only 40plus(time is running out) I'm just tired of being alone so I figure that something has to give.
My porn career
I haven't made the choice yet....