Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I admit to having problems......

We all have problems, mine are alittle different......

I went through the whole mental/sexual abuse thing(Survived)I went through the drug years(Survived and 420head now)I went through the homeless thing(Very Stable now)I went through slut phase(Survived, Hiv neg)the bad relationships, fighting through bouts of depression and mania(Still surviving)And I have been through the dark stages..Ending all the pain and leaving this world(Yet I'm still here)I went through it all!! and.......

I'm Still Here!!!

I want to share one story with fans, this might give you an idea:

I am an only child, I grew up with my mother until I was 12yrs old, My mother worked two jobs from 7am-3pm and then from 3pm-11pm, I didn't see her when I woke up or before I went to bed. I acted out in school(I was being abused by a neighbor) and my Mother kicked Me out and told Me to live with my Father.

My Father was a Gigolo and was not ready to take care of a child. He often would take trips overseas, where I was left in a house with no money, no lights, no heat, no food and I had to fend for myself. I was only 12, I used to bag food at the supermarkets for spare money then I started working at 12 1/2yrs old at McDonald and KFC, just so I could get money and put food in the house which He ate as well. He never checked a report card, took Me to the park or played basketball with me, after work he would lock himself in his room and be with his girlfriend(Whoever) at the time.

I was skinny growing up, maybe it was the lack of food at times???LOL But I had a growth cycle that was nuts, I grew 4 inches in one summer and my shoe size went from a 12 to 14. Basketball coaches were taking notice of Me and I started playing basketball. My Father was All American in college and from What I was told he could have been a Pro. He enlisted in the military(Army)and fought in the Vietnam War(So he had his own issues)when he came back he never went back to playing ball. I would ask my Father to take Me to the park and teach Me how to play ball, but He was always busy with his girlfriends at the time. So I went to the park by myself and played with the older guys who taught Me the game.

I was an average student in school and played BASKETBALLthat was my thing. I was a Jock and the teachers wouldn't fail Me because I had to play in the big game!!!

There is a memory that sticks out in my head I want to share with you people. I remember it being so cold in my house, If I left out anything to drink, it would freeze over and it was so cold the pipes would freeze and there wouldn't be any water....that's how cold it was in my house during the Winter. I couldn't leave out food because the Rats and roaches would get at it. So I grew up very Poor!!! But the memory....

When We had lights, I remember sleeping in bed during the Winter and I had this little space heater I kept by my bed to keep Me warm and I had tons of blankets on. My father brings home this girl(never saw her before)she goes into his room(U had to walk through my room to get to my fathers room)I play like I'm sleeping(I think I was 12yrs at the time)I hear them talking in the room and she starts complaining about it being cold, so what does my Father do?? He comes into my room and takes my little space heater and brings it into his room(He had his own space heater)to make her feel better. This memory sticks out like a knife in my heart, I wake up the next morning freezing, there were ice crystals on my blanket. I wrapped the blankets around me and walked to the closet so I could put on warm clothes. I had to go into my Fathers room to get change for the bus to make it to school, I walk into his room, and it was toasty hot!! There is my Father and some bitch passed out on the bed butt naked!! I just remember how warm it was my fathers room, I could break a sweat in there!! Only to come back to my room where I could see my breathe in the air, the pipes are frozen again so no water. I guess I have to go to school and wash at the gym(since I was on basketball team I had props)this was 8th grade.

I was skinny and tall and didn't grow into my new body(I was awkward), I didn't have a style in clothes and sometimes I would wear my Fathers clothes because I didn't have money to buy any new ones. I was sick most of the time because I was so skinny and wasn't eating enough or the right things to eat. I was an outcast in school because I wasn't wearing the stylish clothes or had the hot sneakers that was in style. So 12-15 was not the best of times, it wasn't until 16 when I started working alot. I was making money, buying my own clothes my own sneakers and started getting "Cute".

By 19 I had my first bout with Depression, I had no clue what was going on??? I was crying and laughing at the same time, not a good look when your in the Army. I always had to be in control, I was a Squad leader and I had to look after my soldiers. This was during Desert Storm, Moving on............

After the Army, I did the whole engaged thing twice, backpacking across Europe. And then I came back to America. I started playing basketball again, College coaches were taking notice again(I enlisted in Army to see the world first before college)and then I started to play college basketball, I had an injury that stalled my basketball career, I went through physical therapy and got well, and then I was injured again. The Doctors said I would never be the same again to play ball again. I ignored what the doctors told Me and played basketball again. I played in the Nike league here in NYC, and then it happened!!!

I went down hard and broke my ankle, I had two bad knees before and now, two bad ankles. That was It!!!So what was the body count?? A bad shoulder, bad back, two bad knees, and two bad ankles. My love for Basket ball was at an end. I was 25yrs at the time, I used to watch old footage of Me playing ball, Dunking and blocking shots. I run into friends that I played with back in the days, and We always talk about the past and what if We made it into the NBA......

That was one of reasons why I did the PlayBook movie for Titan, It was my dream to be a professional basketball player and I was able to live my dream through porn. I got myself ready for the role and played night and day and worked on my legs so I could do those dunks Michael Jordan style... At least I have that!!

The body is older now and I take longer to heal and it seems like when I wake up in the morning everything is stiff(morning wood included)and I have to roll out of bed and get started

I can only dream about what might have happened???? If I was healthy and had my strong ankles and knees at the time, would I have been a Pro???? I think about it all the time..... I'm an old man now! Those were dreams I had when I was younger, just dreams!!

I don't know why I wrote this post???? I'm crying reliving this memory right about now. I have been through some dark shit!!!!

But I'm still here!!! When I saw someone going through what I went through. It touched my soul and my heart. I don't want people to hate Me!!! I only wanted to help!!

God I sound like a fucking Mess!!!!

I don't want any pity, this wasnt written for shock value and it was just Me wanting to write and vent. So to the haters say what u want.... I'm a real person with real feelings



Dariusx said...

No doubt my dude, U still standing!! U aight.

Anonymous said...

diesel...your story is amazing..i really think you should write a will be a best are definitely a survivor..very proud of you!!!

Anonymous said...

but you're still here. more power to you!

Alex said...

Well-done, man. Be proud. We're all glad you're here.

Anonymous said...

Dear Diesel, first I want to apologize in advance for my English is not the best quality, so I hope you can understand this as I write now.
As you say at the beginning of your post, we all have problems, and always, always, always your problem, according to you, is the worst, or my problem as myself, is the worst.
But the truth is that, all problems are complicated for those who suffer, that's why the marvel of a human being is able to move forward in this life and not decline; to these problems that have to live each in his own life.
You, despite all these problems, you could make a road, no matter how beaten you, how hard life has dealt you, you are sitting around telling us this and you know you've got here, by your own efforts; because you have willpower.
Dear friend, you can have one of the most beautiful bodies I've seen, you can have the biggest cock in the marketplace, but my admiration is not based on these physical attributes that you show us.
No, I look in your eyes, and I'm not talking about looking at yourself in the porn movies you do, I watch your videos on youtube, your photos in which you find yourself with friends, as this is where I see the real Diesel.
That's where I see the real man, I do not measure you, as a man by your physical attributes, for me you are not the most brilliant or more beautiful for those things, because all that will disappear with time, but what really matters is there, within that enormous man who is eager to prove to all that is worth more than it appears.
You do not seem worth, you're worth it.
I only wish I could see you and give you a big hug and tell you a little secret in your ear: "Your greatness is not what you are, is what you've got of yourself and what you are going to achieve in the future."

I send to you a big hug and a huge kiss my friend.


Anonymous said...

That is a sad story. It's cool to be sad when it's appropriate to be sad!!! Good luck in your recovery.

Rahul said...

Hey Diesel... hats off to you! i think your experiences have made you a richer man and from the sound of things that I have read on your posts (and for what its worth) I think you rock! keep it tough bro and keep writing - love the easy style and depth of your posts - has given me a ring side view of the porn world...

Alex said...


I'm sorry for your past troubles, you seem to have, for the most part, risen above them. I sense that you are a good man.
I hope you continue healing and growing.
If you'd like to talk more about this, I'm open to that, and in any case I'm proud of you and am praying for you.

Rev. Alex

raulito said...

Just give him a few more years and he will be doing gay videos. I am sure that he has had his pipi sucked by now a few times.
He just has to hit the gym some more, right now he is no shape to be doing porn.
good blog, I love it.

Anonymous said...

you dont have to post this one but

i hope those who have hurt you make amends but you deserve any success you get because of everything you went through.

do most porn stars have a similar background?