Im writing this blog as the Editor for a change........
Im having alot of success as Diesel Washington and He makes the kind of Porn that I like to watch.... Bottoms getting worked over Heavy, Hard Fucks, Good acting, and Chemistry with the Models...
But what about the Editor????
He spends most of his time, Online answering emails, writing blogs, I work Three Jobs!!! and Travel in and out of state all the time.....
Not exciting at all.... I spend alot of time alone... Alone at Airport, Alone at Home, and alone walking the streets of NYC....
I dont like to go out to Clubs much.... tired of having to be "ON" as Diesel and most people just want Sex or just to be seen with me as opposed to enjoying my Company....
I dont trust many people... because its always Games and Bullshit.... just People wanting to Meet Diesel and ask about the Industry, or about the People In it.....
I have been stalked several times.....or followed all the way home!!!! I had Friendships that ended badly after People tried to use me as a gateway into Porn or to meet People in Porn.
I have had people steal my clothes at Events I guess as Keep sakes????? I have had People only interested in Sex with Me, not caring about my Personality or attitude or not even waiting to know My Real Name...
I have had People who only want to Train(WorkOut) with Me because of the Diesel Character at my real Job.
Yeah I know........ Its So Bad to be a Porn Star bah bah bah bah...
I cant remember the Last time I had a date(real one)the last relationship I had was 2years ago, nothing lasting longer than a couple of months as of lately....
Most Say they comfortable with the Porn thing... Until they see Co stars and compare themselves to them.....Chain reaction... thats if I can find someone that is accepting of the fact that I do porn.....Most are not..
I go to the Department of Health, Once every two months getting tested for STD's and the whole work up...... Its so Bad that the Doctor knows my Name by Heart even saw some of my Movies!!!
So I spend alot of time Bymyself!!!!!!!
On the Industry Side.....I find most models dont want to work with me because of some Issues(Being Black, Too Big, Too aggressive)I dont have a clue!!!
I have a Rep for being some kind of Bad Ass, While all the time People dont know me or take the time to get to know me....
Am I jaded???? I dont think so but as of lately.....Everything is so One Sided at the moment...... As Diesel becomes more popular I seem to get more and more lonely.....
As of this Moment, I dont have a date for Gayvn..Im taking My Mother with Me!!! I want Mommy Washington to come and support me.....Mommy Washington is my Biggest Fan.
But think what u want People.....Diesel is Confident, Kick Ass take Names Later type...
The Editor is Sad, Lonely and looking for Someone to share the wealth with.......
I know I know.....Break Out the Tissues already......Im Crying a River with all the bullshit.....
But its a downer when Ur suppose to be this Big Star and U have no one to share it with....
I think its Me...... I really do...
I FUCK LIKE A GOD AND DO SOME CRAZY THINGS ON SCREEN.......
When its said and done I go to sleep at night Alone...... and wake up in the morning Alone... Yeah Sure Hookups are Fun.... U make out have hot sex..... and when the Nut dries up on Ur Cock the other Person is gone and ur Left Alone just like U started!!!
Endless Hook Ups only to be Left Alone......
If I die Today the only person that will Miss Me is my Mother!!!!!
NOW THAT IS SAD!!!
I will Tell ya the Truth..... The only reason Why My scenes are Powerful.... Is cause Im living through My Work.....
The Reason why I spill My Guts online??? Maybe Just Maybe Someone is Out there..Saying Im alone too and maybe just maybe I will meet that Person that brings out the Best In Me!!!
On the other hand.... If I was to be in a relationship... My work would probably Suck!!! Because I would just be doing it to get it over with so I can get back Home to See My Special Person.
As I said before, this is My Last Year In front of the Camera. I want my Old Life back when I was Happy and broke......but had a special person with me, who didnt care if I had a penny in my pocket as long as we were together......
Even Now People are like I would be Ur Friend...... Only to Meet and try to get me in the Bedroom..... Saying We can be Fuck Buddies or something......
I've had Old Friends Look Me up, Here I'm thinking they wanted to hangout with Me....but to find out they are broke and Living Off Me (Partying Wise smoking my Weed)
I get Hate email from Blacks saying I Sold Out!!!!
I get Hate email from Whites claiming that Im some sort of Black Sexual Animal, and that I need to be locked up for the stuff I do...
I have Companies and Studio's only looking at Me for the almighty Dollar..... Im a business not a person to them........
I have Up and Coming Models that look at me as a Stepping Stone for Fame, do a Scene with Diesel and People will take notice........
How to Live Alone????? Spend alot of time online and go home and get up for work and repeat the cycle. Does it get old??? Of course but I dont have a choice.
At this rate, maybe I should get a Dog..... Oh thats right, having a Dog in NYC is Hell....a Dog needs room to Run around, I wouldnt place a Dog in My shoes for any price...
Now u Heard the Real Story......
Its not all Glam and Glitter..........
20 comments:
Dear the editor,
Not only you are alone, so are most of the people who live on this planet, including I.
I used to be sad and feel dispressed about the world around me after my mother, the only one who understand and love me, passed away. I's lost many years. And I've found that everything is uncertainty.
You and I was born alone. We have nothing even the clothes. And definitely, you and I have to die and cannot bring anything even a penny with us.
So why do you have to put importance on the surroundings around you?
Love yourself! Don't hurt yourself even thinking!
You should learn how to live with yourself, learn how to love and do anything in the positive side of life. Life is short. You have the remaining time not over 30,000 days.
Everyday you wake up, please think that you are still lucky to breathe, to do what you want to including your work. You still have your mother (Not like me). You can do the good things and be a good son that she are proud of.
You and I cannot choose to be born, but are able to choose to go on.
I am Asian who live in Thailand. No lover. But I have my life! my work! my freedom to live life in my own way.
Everyday I wake up with happiness. I walk on the street and see how beautiful lives move around me. Birds are singing for me. I do my love job. I am very happy when sharing my good attitude to other people around me and making them happiness. And I don't want anything. Just live life, that's it!
I don't hope you agree with me. But just want to share my opinion, my experiences to you.
Anyway, hope you feel better sooner.
ciaos,
Enrico
Hi mate, yep I wondered if you have a real name etc...se u have already joined us lonlies...I think u probably end up getting more on the sex side....was at asos place a few weeks ago 9 hrs!!..and realised I was jackin off myself after all that time..lol..I have been pusing to get to know a sigle bloke but its hard fiding one....ah well u should enjoy all the trappings while u have them...mmmmm just huggin in stuff would be great, know what I mean...Rgds...Laurie
Hang in there man. You have made your fans very happy through your videos and this blog. You will find yours no doubt. If you give happiness you will find happiness. It's karma.
I am a brutha and I enjoy your work. Do your thing.
Hio Mate...went to bed thinking about what you said...feeling the same here...Yeah I did want to know your real name but thought it wasnt polite to ask...assumed u wanted privacy etc..BTW the movie I mentioned has Al Pacino in it..I still think you should go see it..especially after what u said here.....if u are interested I am, in corresponding by email/Skype etc...its really good to have some one to talk too u know..its been awhile here for myself to have that...Rgds Laurie..... (lwjcarroll@wc.net.nz Skype lauriecarroll)
I had a friend who was in the business he worked for StreetLife, in fact he was a founder of the site. He and I were close and I know what your saying and how you feel. I think you need a friend who is the total opposite of you and what you do. This will ground you. Seek a male friend who is not like you but someone who will respect you as you respect him. Don't force it seek and you will find him.
Awwwwhhhh papi, I feel your pain 4 real! I not even in your shoes & I am goin through the same crap.....Y is it so hard 2 find someone that u can vibe w/, someone that will love & care about u 4 who u r and not try 2 change u???
Isn't it amazin 2 see how people that u think care & love u, just use u 2 get somethin/ahead?!?!
I would pay your escort fee 2 just talk & spend time w/ u.....Sex is so overrated now! I want 2 be able 2 share that w/ someone I can call my own, u know???
Well I don't want 2 bore u 2 death, but I just wanted 2 let u know u aren't alone.....I am here 4 u pa, so if u need 2 talk about anythin & I really do mean anythin, just HOLLA at me!!!
BESOS pa!
Awwwwhhh papi, I'm sorry that u feel alone.....I know how it feels, trust me. Being alone sucks like ASS, lol. Being who u r, I wouldn't think nor would anyone else think u feel the way u do.....But u can have everythin & still feel like somethin is missin! Its crazy how this world is.....
Isn't it amazin, that those that u think care & love u r just usin u 2 get ahead or get somethin out of it??? Honestly papi, I read your profile on MYSPACE & it intrigued me. I assumed u were 1 way from your looks, but my assumptions were way off.....Readin every lil thing u've written, on myspace and now your blog, it intrigues me even more & it makes me want 2 know more.....What is in that SEXY, INTELLIGENT and STRONG man? I want 2 know & I am hopin he wants me 2 know.....
I would pay your escort fee just 2 spend time w/ u......Talk, have fun & whatever else u'd like 2 do.....No sex! Sex 2 me is somethin special and I want 2 be able 2 give it 2 the right guy who deserves it, u know??? Its been a year and 2 months since I got anythin, lol.....
I just want u 2 know that if u need anyone 2 talk 2, about anythin, don't hesitate 2 HOLLA @ me.....Remember, u r not ever ALONE! I am here w/ u!
BESOS mucho papi!
Hey, Hi
Just read your last post.
I'm Jerome from Paris. I'm bottom as you imagine... I come often to the US for my business. I don"t have a lot of experience but would love to date you. I'm sure behind this strong and agressive guy in the movies...there is a nice and very interested guy
XOXO, J.
Hi,
I have been reading your blog for a while, this is the first time I have commented.
I must admit that this post fits my idea of what it must be like to be a porn star. Rather, what it must be like to be a person who is a porn star, is reflective and has moved past the initial infatuation with the job, parties, sex and drugs.
I am not one to judge so I don't think you are being are complaining about your life by posting these thoughts. It's normal and healthy to reflect on your life periodically and evaluate whether or not you are happy.
So the purpose of this comment is to say I think you are more than just a porn star. I'm only one person, but I'm sure there are others.
P.S. I'm a nursing student, so we're all about seeing people beyond their appearance..etc
You get a pat on the back for this post,
I hope you find happiness in your life
Somebody that can really make you feel like the person you are inside, outside of the diesel washington lifestyle, and somebody that you can open up to
BIG D! U R A mess! correction, A HOT MESS! Ain't nothing wrong with being alone. It's not good that you get lonely though, you need to work that out. it's like the pet shop boys said, "Love come quickly... when you least expect it, waiting around the corner for you..." hang in there dawg!
You got the right idea in channeling that loneliness you feel into your work. Without that void in your life, your work would be just another paycheck, just anotha dolla day.
peace,
well this was unforunate to read. i can't fully understand what its like to be in your situation but i can understand what it is like to want to be in a relationship, to have that desire to have that special someone by your side. anyway, in my opinion the best thing to do is not to dwell on it. the more you try to "look" for love, the more difficult and unattainable it becomes. its just a rut your in, i'm sure you'll find that special someone some day.
Whoops...wrong actor..its Dustin Hoffman...those two seem to get me mixed up....story line kinda fits your recent moves....its one of those things that can happen!! U just have to keep on trying...also thinking this moprning... u seem to be in similar boat the Bear porno actor....single for ages then finally found a partner last year from memory... His name is Ali..or thats his stage name..hes on //bearfilms.com if u happen to get a channce to meet him...Hope this perks u up..email/Skype me is ok if u like... it would be good to have a mate/buddy to talk whatever to..Rgds..Laurie
Mate...and have a good weekend!!...Rgds...Laurie
Wow, Im shocked no one has responded to such a revealing note. I have to be honest I am kinda speechless from reading this particular post but Ill do my best to offer some words of solace. Good for you for realizing what is essential in your life and making the decision to leave the industry. Hang in there, that person out there is coming your way. Peace and Blessings Bro!
Man, you give so much in your movies--and your blog! I'm attracted to you on screen and get to know a bit about you thru your writing. Thanks. You are a star, and have surpassed everyone else in porn that I admire. At some point you'll get outta the game and return to private life. Thanks for you gift to the public in the meantime. I suppose you've read "Bobby Blake"'s autobiography...another star who was once on your track, tho you've raised the bar. Thanks. Nobody else I know is on screen doin it so good as you. Just hold onto your warm generous freaky smart personality and when you return to private life there will be a special someone for you, I know there will. Meanwhile remember art is a gift, an act of generosity. For which your fans are grateful.
Diesel this is Mark from Italy , I read all what u wrote , saw your movies.It's true through your movies I can say "u fuck like a God" but from what u wrote I can say "u are not just a cock to stick in ass" , u're a human being with feelings ... We would like to be like you but u remember to us that , in business, everythin' is not glam.
I'm sorry for you , all I can say is keep it on and look for somebody who can love you and maybe u'll find someone who doesn't care if you're a pornstar.
Anyway thanks for ur movies, u're really amazin'.
Mark
ouch. I really hope you find your one man cause that seems to be were it is at and what makes all u do worth it. not to sound like an old '70s movie but if u find some one to share your life with all the being alone will be pauses and you will look forward to the time with your one. what ever you do don't get jaded. your one is out there and when you find him you will know. no one will have to tell you cause all the pieces will fit. and he will be like diesel who? cause he will be into you, and care what you think,and how u feel and want long slow kisses and a whole lot more that has nothing to do with your professional life. And your heart will kinda miss a beat when you think of him and you will get a little excited when he comes in to view and you will not know how to act like a school boy crush. you might even act a little geeky cause he throws you off your normal stride as you see peeps you are involved with. those are some not all of the signs of finding the one. he might make breakfast for you or see you off at the airport ask you how things when but not care who you did. and kiss u in a public place and not give a darn who saw yall kiss. are you feelin me. finding the one may mean looking in a geographic area you do not normally go but when you find the one. no one will have to tell you . you will know. peace my brotha just know the best is yet to come. so just let it happen. opps for got to say he will like you for you and not for who you project in your professional life. bye.
Mr. Washington -
My question to you is how you would take care of all of these problems?
If you're lonely it's up to you to change that.
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