Right into it......
I wrote a post calling out two friends that I talked about on a previous blog...
I want to say sorry to both of them!!!!
I took out my anger on both of them, instead of pointing the finger at myself. I'm a hard learner and it takes me a while to understand the whole situation. As I saw it I buried myself emotionally into this paranoia pit of either your with me or against me. Tsk Tsk Tsk!!
And that is the wrong kind of thinking right there, I will admit it!!
Things have insanely changed in the business, and I have to learn to roll with the punches. I'm an old fossil compared to newer models, standards have changed and the bottom line of it all, is that this Recession is a motherfucker!!!
My views about the racism in the industry will stand!! .
My views on Safer sex/HIV+ models in the industry, I will stand behind that 100% so that will never change as well..
The blog is about Diesel, so I will put the focus on him and I will reveal his secrets:
I'm insecure about the body(You knew that already)
I'm insecure about my looks(that is easy one as well)
I'm insecure about the direction of my so called career(Hot Topic!!)
Finally I came to terms with things, either I walk away quietly and fade away. Or I step up the game, quit my job and go all out and become an American pornographer.
The latter frightens me!!!!
That is the honest truth!! Totally scares the shit out of me!!! Every single trigger of my "Issues" would be pushed to the utmost limit. I'm scared I will be mentally abused and crippled by my own hands, worrying about "Some" creation of mine and seeing if it would be successful and groundbreaking!! The pressure of putting my mouth to business and doing something other than getting in front of the camera(which is easy)playing "Mister Sexy", and putting my ego aside and accepting help!
Would probably drive me mad!!
I'm such a control freak, I would have to oversee everything!!Yikes!! Literally just thinking about making such a leap, triggers a slight panic attack!! My heart starts racing and I start to lightly gasp for air...
It's easy to judge all the Studios/Sites and say you need to do this or that. Finger pointing is easy!! It's easy to dictate what other people need to do in this business, I figure they have the money and resources but lack the direction and motivation. But Diesel you are not in their shoes, so do you really know what it takes to run a successful business??
Sure your a popular performer, blogger, personality..But you like to do alot of finger pointing, try running a business yourself!! Such a scary thought.....
Or survive doing what your doing now!! Which is nothing!! Standing Still!!
I had big time issues watching all the other models work, while I sat bench(I have a real job as well)I will admit it, I was jealous and just reading online about this model or that model working and working!! Just made me have issues I was like
"I'm a better performer than that model"
"I would have played that part better"
"Why does that model get to work with that model?? I wanted to work with that model for years???"
Growl Growl Snap Snap!!!
My competitive natural, wanted me to get out there and show up some of these models that perform badly. My insecurities kept compelling me to do more as a model, like I still had something to prove. Model Model Model
I spent so much time worrying about my modeling career, that I shot myself in the foot from doing other projects. Website/Studio, Directing, Promotion,bah bah bah
And since I shot myself in the foot, I'm holding onto all the resentment of I should be doing this or that at this point of my career. I look at Eric Rhodes, Steven Cruz, Damien Crosse, Barrett Long, Jeremy Hall and others that came into porn and I see what they are doing now and I'm flat out jealous!! But I can only blame myself for being too scared to dive in and make it happen.
Instead of taking responsibility for my own career, I was quick to blame other people. I would think things like "It's this Studio/Site fault that I'm not there directing, they don't see my talent other than modeling" Like someone owed me a job in this business just because I'm Diesel Washington...
That is totally self absorbed, ego driven stuff working in my head, and it doesn't work like that outside of my head though, and this is the real world!! Wakey Wakey!!
Filled with resentment thinking the industry owes me something, not good. Added to the resentment is the hate energy that was being transferred to me by every day living and lets face it the Haters!!
Ummm Wake up Diesel!!!
You reached that Superstar status already, you won the awards you got all the nominations you have pretty much gone as far as you can go just being a model.
Simply put......I'm scared to go further!!
But I made a promise to myself:
1st year I wanted to win Best Newcomer(I got nominated)
2nd year I wanted to win Best Performer(Won Hottest Cock)
3rd year I was to win Best Performer cause didn't win 2nd year(I won this time and retired)
4th year(Unretired) I wanted to open the door for other Men of Color performers(Won Best Supporting Actor) but didn't open the door and I failed in my attempt
I kick myself in the ass everyday thinking about it.....
I see so many black models doing low budget or bareback porn because the door is not open on the mainstream side of porn. I can imagine all the models trying to break through the door and being told they don't have the right look for gay porn and getting turned away. It happened to me when I tried to get through the door.
Even now some Studios/Sites use that same bullshit line with me, even though I have proven my scenes sell.
You see???? I go right back into talking about my modeling career instead of staying on the main topic. I have to look further than just having a successful modeling career......
The deadline I gave myself for making the decision if I want to jump into the fold was Dec 12 of this year.
Hence the reason why I'm ending the "Crimes Against Nature" blog, it was do or die!! So with regret......
If I can't put out, then I shut down!!!
Nothing worse then a porn star who doesn't know when to quit!! It was a good ride, the blog was created to chart the progress of a nobody.
Take that nobody!!!
And make him into Diesel Washington world famous porn star!!!
I did that!!
The story is over!!!
Again sorry to my two friends!!! I wasn't being a friend to you because I couldn't see through the jealousy, being scared, self absorbed, and insecure.
I'm only human!! a crazy one but I'm still human!!
6 comments:
Dear Diesel, first, I do not think you're a nobody, secondly, sometimes you make mistakes and that is because firstly, you are human and all humans make mistakes, I am a human being and I've been wrong many times indeed.
The good thing is that you recognize, you have the ability to recognize your mistakes and you apologize, that's good.
The downside is that you are always looking for the worst and always end up feeling so bad.
My friend, do not look bad out of you, search for it inside you and let her forehead, just so you can see what you can accomplish more than you thought.
Diesel, we all have problems, but none of us has problems which can not cope, each of us has problems and has tailored solutions for them, just that sometimes we have to look within ourselves to find the solution to it.
If you let me, with all the humility I can say, I suggest two things, not envy, admire it, wonder shows that you can achieve your goals, and exceed admired, because you can improve yourself to yourself, not just the others.
And second, not hate, hatred breeds hatred and that sooner or later you finish eating your heart and ends up sick.
I believe in you because I see great things in you and admire you for things and attitudes that I do not own, and even though I live far away and we do not know, I always try to give you support and my best feelings and words of affection, because I know you're worth.
Sometimes you find yourself stuck inside, because you can not see clearly the whole scene, sometimes you need to cross the street to see the whole situation surrounding it, that way you can sometimes find a solution to our problems.
Diesel, you have many fans who admire you and appreciate you for who you are. You're a good person, you are somebody, you never think less about not getting something at the time that you want, sometimes you do not get what they want because it is not now, because you are not prepared to deal with it .
Be patient, but above all, you must be patient with yourself.
I sent a big hug from Buenos Aires and all my admiration.
Adrian .-
Ummmm, is Barrett Long still in the business? His site goes weeks without being updated, there has been nothing new from him from other studios and he does not update his Twitter or Facebook sites.
I agree that he had a lot of potential, but as an porn mogul, he has pretty much crashed and burned.
Thank you, I have recently been searching for information about this topic for ages and yours is the best I have discovered so far.
I hope you've been able to talk to "Bobby Blake" about this...he may have taken a different path than you when he withdrew from the porn industry, but I think he'd have some deep empathy for what you're going through. Furthermore, he's taken the time to try and write his whole story out. (Sorta like you've been doing in real time.)
I love the fact you are sincere about your insecurities, everyone has them. As someone in his 40's I know what your goin through, but like me you set "achievable" goals, great job. You are very attractive and personable. You will be fine, you need a real friend, stop hangin at gay bars.
All the best for the future
Nick C.
Why didn't you post my comment about Barrett being a failure? You never struck me as someone being afraid of the truth. In fact, just the opposite and it was kind of a compliment. And it's true. He is a failure.
Post a Comment